Es tut mir leid, I have been busy lately and haven't been able to post. Moving is a bitch and I don't have a phone line to tap into, so the internet has been the least of my concerns during the last week or so. It's probably better that way anyway, I've gone into a depression that puts all but the Lisa situation/Mom's cancer/semester from hell combination to shame. I seriously have no positives in my life right now. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Among other things:
:::RANT ALERT:::
:::RANT ALERT:::
the following may contain ranting material. Unless you really care, you may not want to read on...
1. I am questioning who my frineds are. Too many lonely nights without a call, without a visit has me realizing that all of my contacts with people are self-initiatiated, invite-myself-alongs. No one fucking calls. I don't know what that means. Maybe it means nothing, maybe it does.
1a. It occurred to me the other night that if I were to die in my sleep, the fact that no one pays me any attention would probably lead to my body lying there, rotting and bloating for days...until someone complained about the smell. This thought sent me on a thirty-mile drive around the city, trying to convince myself that things could be worse by driving through the ghetto.
2. I'm broke. I'm three months behind on student loan payments. Four months behind on the phone and three on the electric. I also have medical bills to pay off for my stupid, paranoia-induced mole removal. There's no end in sight. My life will not improve unless I can come up with the $104 I need to pay for the LSAT so I can go back to school. Dammit.
3. I hate my job. It sucks. I am treated like a machine by my bosses. My humanity is stripped away every time I step through the door. My car's about to bust down (but it always is) so I don't know how much longer that'll last. It'll be good though. It'll force me to go out and get a job. Or something.
4. I am hopelessly alone. I just want someone to talk to, someone to hold, someone who I know is there for me. Twenty-five years of loneliness is enough. I'm almost twenty-six and I'd rather not extend my loser streak yet another year.
5. I really, really miss my mom right now.
6. I've been having panic attacks again. It sucks.
7. Stress. My muscles are all taut, my neck feels like I've sleep on it badly for the last three years, my back is killing me.
That's enough. If you've read all this, I applaud you. I sure wouldn't. Thanks, sometimes you need to get that sort of stuff off you're chest. Anway, back to our regularly scheduled programming...
:::RANT ALERT:::
:::RANT ALERT:::
the following may contain ranting material. Unless you really care, you may not want to read on...
1. I am questioning who my frineds are. Too many lonely nights without a call, without a visit has me realizing that all of my contacts with people are self-initiatiated, invite-myself-alongs. No one fucking calls. I don't know what that means. Maybe it means nothing, maybe it does.
1a. It occurred to me the other night that if I were to die in my sleep, the fact that no one pays me any attention would probably lead to my body lying there, rotting and bloating for days...until someone complained about the smell. This thought sent me on a thirty-mile drive around the city, trying to convince myself that things could be worse by driving through the ghetto.
2. I'm broke. I'm three months behind on student loan payments. Four months behind on the phone and three on the electric. I also have medical bills to pay off for my stupid, paranoia-induced mole removal. There's no end in sight. My life will not improve unless I can come up with the $104 I need to pay for the LSAT so I can go back to school. Dammit.
3. I hate my job. It sucks. I am treated like a machine by my bosses. My humanity is stripped away every time I step through the door. My car's about to bust down (but it always is) so I don't know how much longer that'll last. It'll be good though. It'll force me to go out and get a job. Or something.
4. I am hopelessly alone. I just want someone to talk to, someone to hold, someone who I know is there for me. Twenty-five years of loneliness is enough. I'm almost twenty-six and I'd rather not extend my loser streak yet another year.
5. I really, really miss my mom right now.
6. I've been having panic attacks again. It sucks.
7. Stress. My muscles are all taut, my neck feels like I've sleep on it badly for the last three years, my back is killing me.
That's enough. If you've read all this, I applaud you. I sure wouldn't. Thanks, sometimes you need to get that sort of stuff off you're chest. Anway, back to our regularly scheduled programming...
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