I don't know why I do this every time I get down. I latch on to someone or maybe two and try to force them to help me deal with my problems. This time it's one girl. I don't know why I do it -- try to monopolize her time, her emotions, all that -- but I think it has something to do with the fact that I feel so fucking alone right now. Like nobody understands me. I just want someone to sit down and pay attention to me. Listen to me. Show interest in me. Understand me. I guess it's understandable that I go to her in this time of need because she is the sweetest, kindest, most understanding and inwardly beautiful person that I know and if anyone would do that for me, it would be her. But it certainly doesn't justify it. It definitely doesn't excuse the fact that I feel like I'm dragging her down with me or disgusting her to the point that I will lose her as a friend. I don't know. I just don't know. I sicken myself sometimes. The shit I do.

I started off this little bout of depression with the question of why don't people like me as much as I think they do. I mean, I always try to go out of my way to help other people and rarely put myself ahead of others. Hell, I thought, I'd be my friend if I wasn't me, it'd be sweet to have a guy I could always count on be my friend. Now I know that that's not the case, that I'm not as selfless as I thought I was, that I'm not such a good friend. That pisses me off, but it's enlightening in it's own way...and it's a place where I can start in order to make myself a better person. I guess.