I am sick of being a whiny little no one. I'm tired of feeling let down by everyone in my life. I am tired of being broke, of having no idea where my life is going, of not being able to find contentment in anything that I am doing. I'm sick of not feeling well. I'm sick of listening to the troubles of others. I'm fed up with the life that I'm living right now.
Problem is, I don't know how to change, or even if I really want to. I like me, I really do, but there has got to be more to life than what it presents to me. I do not want to be like everybody else and yet I don't feel comfortable playing the role of bizzaro-everyone. I want to be me, but I need to find some acceptence in being me. I have to throw off this mask that I wear, the dual-purpose creation of moi that I have to both scare others away and keep myself below everyone else's radar, and yet I want to keep my individuality at all costs.
I want to fall in love, and yet I don't want to fall into the trap of giving up "kyle" instead becoming half of a "we", "us", or "them". I want to feel like I'm important to someone else, the most important someone else in someone else's life. I want a most important someone in my life. However, I don't want to be stuck in the "I need you to be happy" land of some hapless girl's dreamscape. I want to be happy, I want to be free, I want to be with someone that loves me for who I am and isn't afraid to have me love them unconditionally in return. I want to feel not needed so much as wanted, to have someone that thinks of me when I'm gone, but not too much, not knocking-on-the-window-at-three-in-the-morning obsessively, just enough to bring a smile to her face long enough so that her smile will bring a smile to mine whenever I may see her next.
And, in the end, I just want to be.
Sorry, just an exercise in free writing there...just wanted to see what was on my mind, and I guess I realize it now...which, on the side note, leads me to the plea for anyone out there in cyber-land that knows of a nice girl (and by nice, I mean the independent, strong-minded, not-quite-to-the-point-of-hating-all-men feminist, and yet strangely cutesy girlish girl), by all means, send her this way.
Problem is, I don't know how to change, or even if I really want to. I like me, I really do, but there has got to be more to life than what it presents to me. I do not want to be like everybody else and yet I don't feel comfortable playing the role of bizzaro-everyone. I want to be me, but I need to find some acceptence in being me. I have to throw off this mask that I wear, the dual-purpose creation of moi that I have to both scare others away and keep myself below everyone else's radar, and yet I want to keep my individuality at all costs.
I want to fall in love, and yet I don't want to fall into the trap of giving up "kyle" instead becoming half of a "we", "us", or "them". I want to feel like I'm important to someone else, the most important someone else in someone else's life. I want a most important someone in my life. However, I don't want to be stuck in the "I need you to be happy" land of some hapless girl's dreamscape. I want to be happy, I want to be free, I want to be with someone that loves me for who I am and isn't afraid to have me love them unconditionally in return. I want to feel not needed so much as wanted, to have someone that thinks of me when I'm gone, but not too much, not knocking-on-the-window-at-three-in-the-morning obsessively, just enough to bring a smile to her face long enough so that her smile will bring a smile to mine whenever I may see her next.
And, in the end, I just want to be.
Sorry, just an exercise in free writing there...just wanted to see what was on my mind, and I guess I realize it now...which, on the side note, leads me to the plea for anyone out there in cyber-land that knows of a nice girl (and by nice, I mean the independent, strong-minded, not-quite-to-the-point-of-hating-all-men feminist, and yet strangely cutesy girlish girl), by all means, send her this way.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home