I hae been searching for an analogy for how I feel for the past couple weeks, but haven't been able to come up with anything but this. Enjoy.
The one thing that I could come up with that seemed to fit was cleaning products. You know, Mr. Clean, Fantastik, Lysol, and all of those. Those and that old "recipe" that you heard from your mom, your aunt, read in some magazine or book or whatever, it doesn't matter where, just that it's some conglomeratation of household ingredients that work on anything. You know, the fallback for when the nationally advertised packaged stuff doesn't work. The vinegar mix that will work after all the others have failed. The stuff that you forget about except in moments of desparation. That's me.
In recent months I have discovered that I play the role of the "always there when you need him, can always count on that if all else fails" friend in peoples' lives. You know, the guy that female friends come to after their jerk boyfriend has treated them like shit but before they find some almost identical jerk with which to start over with. The guy that male friends call upon when there's no game to watch with the regular guys and no chick to wine and dine into bed. I don't know why this is the case. I'm a good person, obviously, if they feel safe with me, as they act like they do, but it's like I'm not a good enough person to be number one in someone's life.
I guess it all flows from my loneliness, in the romantic department, the majority of these feelings do. I mean, throughout my life I have played the role of understanding male friend when the girls of my life have dealt with bad guys, unfit guys, or anything of the sort. So many times I have heard those words: "If I wasn't seeing anyone right now, Kyle, I'd love to go out with you, but..." or "You're a wonderful person, but..." or any other buts that have just driven me insane. If I'm so fucking wonderful, or whatever, why is it that any time one of these girls turns to a friend to be "more than a friend"...it's not me? It's happened quite a few times lately. It kills me. Several of the female friends, some with whom I'm close, have started dating male friends, OTHER male friends, male friends that aren't as nice, not as understanding, not as caring as me (at least evidenced by the fact that it has been me that they've turned to for support and the like in the past)...but not me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just whining, maybe I am just fucking repulsive to other people. Maybe I'm only good for talk and emotional support. Maybe I'm only worthwhile to people in small doses. I don't know. All I know is that I am really longing for a good friend, and a girlfriend, these days. Someone that I can lean on in my time of need, someone to play the role in my life that I generally fill for others. But anyway, I think that's the last thing that's really been on my nerves lately. I think I'm ready to stop with the depression theme that this blog has taken on lately. I promise I'll stop soon. I've just needed to get all of this stuff out. Sorry.
The one thing that I could come up with that seemed to fit was cleaning products. You know, Mr. Clean, Fantastik, Lysol, and all of those. Those and that old "recipe" that you heard from your mom, your aunt, read in some magazine or book or whatever, it doesn't matter where, just that it's some conglomeratation of household ingredients that work on anything. You know, the fallback for when the nationally advertised packaged stuff doesn't work. The vinegar mix that will work after all the others have failed. The stuff that you forget about except in moments of desparation. That's me.
In recent months I have discovered that I play the role of the "always there when you need him, can always count on that if all else fails" friend in peoples' lives. You know, the guy that female friends come to after their jerk boyfriend has treated them like shit but before they find some almost identical jerk with which to start over with. The guy that male friends call upon when there's no game to watch with the regular guys and no chick to wine and dine into bed. I don't know why this is the case. I'm a good person, obviously, if they feel safe with me, as they act like they do, but it's like I'm not a good enough person to be number one in someone's life.
I guess it all flows from my loneliness, in the romantic department, the majority of these feelings do. I mean, throughout my life I have played the role of understanding male friend when the girls of my life have dealt with bad guys, unfit guys, or anything of the sort. So many times I have heard those words: "If I wasn't seeing anyone right now, Kyle, I'd love to go out with you, but..." or "You're a wonderful person, but..." or any other buts that have just driven me insane. If I'm so fucking wonderful, or whatever, why is it that any time one of these girls turns to a friend to be "more than a friend"...it's not me? It's happened quite a few times lately. It kills me. Several of the female friends, some with whom I'm close, have started dating male friends, OTHER male friends, male friends that aren't as nice, not as understanding, not as caring as me (at least evidenced by the fact that it has been me that they've turned to for support and the like in the past)...but not me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just whining, maybe I am just fucking repulsive to other people. Maybe I'm only good for talk and emotional support. Maybe I'm only worthwhile to people in small doses. I don't know. All I know is that I am really longing for a good friend, and a girlfriend, these days. Someone that I can lean on in my time of need, someone to play the role in my life that I generally fill for others. But anyway, I think that's the last thing that's really been on my nerves lately. I think I'm ready to stop with the depression theme that this blog has taken on lately. I promise I'll stop soon. I've just needed to get all of this stuff out. Sorry.
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