I am confused. Sometimes things in life seem to have direction, sometimes things seem to be going somewhere and I just feel it in my belly that I know where...but then things happen, words are said, reality sets in, the future re-morphs itself and I find myself staring down yet another fork in the road wondering if I should just start walking or step back to take a good hard look at my other options. It isn't fair, it really isn't. Fate intervenes too much, so do the thoughts, words, deeds, and emotions of other people and there's not a damn thing you can do about any of it. You can only control your own destiny to a point, the rest you have to trust others, trust your instinct and even though things may not seem to make sense at the time, you have to just go with the flow, like it or not. I don't. I like to know where I am, I like to know where things might lead, I like to know all of my options and be able to decide from there what is best for me, for fate, and for all those involved. Do I move away to never-never land, do I hook up with so-and-so, do I take a certain path and hope to God that I made the right decision to do so? I don't like that, there's no way to go back and change what decisions I have made, and frankly it scares the living crap out of me. And I face these fears every day of my life: always have, always will. Do I feel content with what I have and never take risks or do I go for whatever, trusting my feelings and my take on things and take a chance of screwing everything up in the process? Do I follow my heart and believe that I am guided by some higher, benevolent power, or do I weigh my options to death, to the point where those options dry up and die -- leaving me stuck in the mud of conservatism and sameness...my life never evolving.

I wish I had the strength to take a chance, but I over-analyze everything which leaves me knowing that things could very well be worse for me than they are right now...things could be better, but maybe not. I just wish sometimes that the road of life was lined with bright, flashing, neon signs that told me what was going on, where my decisions will take me. But there isn't...there isn't even a manual around to give me a shot at making educated guesses...and that leaves me in the position that I am -- cold and naked on the floor, pondering what to do in all areas of my life, too fucking scared to get up and move it, take chances, speak up, and follow my heart.