I have been doing too much soul searching lately (as if there is such a thing...at least I never thought there was) and it's driving me insane. I have discovered that for too long I have been hiding the "real me" (pardon the self-help-ish lingo there) in favor of someone that "gets along" with others. I have buried that side of me that feels a wierd urge to sometimes greet others with kisses on the cheek, that side of me that enjoys nothing more than watching the sunset or staring at the stars, that side of me that likes to sit and watch people and try to "figure them out" and never find out if I was right, that side of me that cries whenever he sees something truly, and simply, beautiful, all because other people think those things are ridiculous or creepy, or (in some cases) gay. Hell, I've been holding back on the child-like innocence that I have worked my damndest on trying to retain all of these years -- seeing the world through non-judgemental eyes and all of that. I have been going out of my way recently to please others, to not get in their way, and to certainly not have them dislike me...but in the process I have found myself discontented, like I am but a shadow of my true self, and though I don't not like the way that I behave when I am that shadow, it's still not as pleasant as a bright autumn day.

But what I fear the most is that if I allow myself to slip, to break out of my shell as it were, is that my friends will distance themselves from me, that they will think that I've changed. Even if I haven't. And I don't want to go back to not having any friends, I've spent too many years down that road, and even though I still do not have any "best friend" types (you know, the types that will gladly offer a shoulder to cry on, try and make you happy even at their own sacrifice), I do have dear friends, "almost-best-friends", that I would not be able to ditch, nor stomach if they ditched me. I really, really fear that. And so I think that it best to bottle up myself and serve the same old shit that I have...watering myself down so that I'm palitable to the masses. Keeping my true self for when I write and dream. I don't know.

It's not easy being green...suddenly the tao of kermit seems so relevent.