I went to the bar last night (after midnight, concluding Buy Nothing Day...though I didn't buy anything anyway) and some girl gave me her phone number. I didn't ask for it, nor would I have because she just reeked of not being my type (lots of make-up, two-thirds of her tits exposed, picking up guys at the bar, etc...), but a friend of mine talked her into doing it, telling her that I was interested or something. But this puts me in an akward position that I don't like being in -- not calling someone that I may very well see around in the future. I mean, I'm an often guilt-ridden person as it is, and when I take an action that may hurt someone else's feelings, it just makes it that much worse. And to then confront that person and see the hurt that I've cost them...there are no words really to describe those feelings. And what's worse is that I know damn well that in my mind, the pain that I feel that they are going through is probably twenty times or more than that which they are really going though...because, come on, I didn't even talk to this girl aside from "I'm Kyle. Nice to meet you" so there won't be any love lost in my not calling...but maybe it's that I've been rejected so many times in my life that I instinctively take on all those feelings that came after a girl I'd been after for months, or even fell in love with over time, rejected me after I finally worked up the courage to say something...I don't know.

But it's that rejection that defines me, I think, sometimes...at least my love life. I'm afraid now to take risks, afraid now to admit that sometimes feelings develop in friendships, afraid now to ask girls out. Afraid to make the first move.

But I don't think that that has anything to do with this girl. I mean, I should respect her for making the first move (God knows I'm turned on by that)...but the thing is, I don't want to get into a relationship that's not going to last and that I know is not going to last from the get-go (and I have no interest in casual sex or dating). There's nothing for me there, only more guilt. So why bother if it's only going to hurt me? It just doesn't seem a risk that's worth taking to me.