Life has had a very surreal feel to it lately. It's wierd, because I feel like I'm awake...in fact, I know that I'm awake, except that things seem to be constantly not going quite right for me; as if fate is intervening at every step making sure that things don't go as I would wish they would. And it's not just the big stuff, but the little things too...everything from red lights all over the place while I drive to not getting a girl that I'd like to ask out to even pay me attention to always having something bigger intervening whenever its my turn to say or do something that needs to be said or done to finally building up a buffer in my bank account in time for my car to need that much money worth of repairs. It's like a dream, or maybe a story where the main character is always being shat upon by the author in order to create tension, to force him into a situation that will ultimately prove to show the reader the point that the author's trying to make...and I don't know what the point is, but I don't like the fact that I feel like I'm in a canoe going down the river of life without any paddles...
And I don't think I'm being paranoid or depressed or anything, because I don't feel like that at all. Things have just been "wierd".
But then I think about this past weekend and how, my birthday having been on a Sunday this year, I was pretty much granted a two-day birthday by my friends -- one that included a weekend night and my real one on a worknight. In any case, the only thing that I have ever asked for my birthday is a sort of carte blanche of social engagements so that we can do the stuff that I want to do. And we rarely do a lot of those things. I mean, I wanted to go to the arcade and blow twenty bucks on skee-ball, I would have liked to have gone to the symphony, maybe the art musum, I would have wanted to go the see the local improv group, I would have wanted to kareoke or bowling, or just do something spontaneous and, well, stupid. Those are the things that I like to do, varied as they are, and I never get a chance to share them with my friends because no one else is even as close to interested as I am...or maybe I've given up hope and stopped asking? So I see my birthday as the one day out of the year that I can really let go of my fear of being looked at like "you want to do what?" and suggest the things that I really, really, really want to do. But when I did this past weekend wveryone kind of shrugged their shoulders and made it clear that they wouldn't be interested. I mean, a couple of them were broke and I didn't want to either alienate them or force them out, that was a consideration, but for the most part, the things that I wanted to do were thrown out the window by everyone else and I gave in, followed the suggestions of the crowd. On my birthday, the one night I ask to be in charge, it was taken from me, by my friends.
I mean, I'm not bitching about it, but it does seem to exemplifiy the sort of thing that I'm talking about. I mean, perhaps I'm just too timid to grab life by the reins and lead it where I want to go, or maybe I'm just a follower, or maybe I need some new friends (as addition to the ones I have, not at the expense of my present ones...for those who may read this, I wouldn't turn my back on my current friends for the world) who share the same whacked out -- sometimes cultural, sometimes childish -- interests that I do. I don't know. It just seems that things should be going better for me, or rather, that things shouldn't be going so badly for me. And I don't know what to do.
And I don't think I'm being paranoid or depressed or anything, because I don't feel like that at all. Things have just been "wierd".
But then I think about this past weekend and how, my birthday having been on a Sunday this year, I was pretty much granted a two-day birthday by my friends -- one that included a weekend night and my real one on a worknight. In any case, the only thing that I have ever asked for my birthday is a sort of carte blanche of social engagements so that we can do the stuff that I want to do. And we rarely do a lot of those things. I mean, I wanted to go to the arcade and blow twenty bucks on skee-ball, I would have liked to have gone to the symphony, maybe the art musum, I would have wanted to go the see the local improv group, I would have wanted to kareoke or bowling, or just do something spontaneous and, well, stupid. Those are the things that I like to do, varied as they are, and I never get a chance to share them with my friends because no one else is even as close to interested as I am...or maybe I've given up hope and stopped asking? So I see my birthday as the one day out of the year that I can really let go of my fear of being looked at like "you want to do what?" and suggest the things that I really, really, really want to do. But when I did this past weekend wveryone kind of shrugged their shoulders and made it clear that they wouldn't be interested. I mean, a couple of them were broke and I didn't want to either alienate them or force them out, that was a consideration, but for the most part, the things that I wanted to do were thrown out the window by everyone else and I gave in, followed the suggestions of the crowd. On my birthday, the one night I ask to be in charge, it was taken from me, by my friends.
I mean, I'm not bitching about it, but it does seem to exemplifiy the sort of thing that I'm talking about. I mean, perhaps I'm just too timid to grab life by the reins and lead it where I want to go, or maybe I'm just a follower, or maybe I need some new friends (as addition to the ones I have, not at the expense of my present ones...for those who may read this, I wouldn't turn my back on my current friends for the world) who share the same whacked out -- sometimes cultural, sometimes childish -- interests that I do. I don't know. It just seems that things should be going better for me, or rather, that things shouldn't be going so badly for me. And I don't know what to do.
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