I didn't sleep much last night...I was haunted too much by my dreams -- dreams that hit too close to home -- and was kept from dreaming by a million thoughts racing through my head.

The problem is that I am too sensitive, I read too much into things. The problem is also that I have a tendency to overlook the obvious while in denial...when those two things combine, it is a dangerous combination because it leads to a bursting of the dam so to speak. I tell myself that everything's okay, everything's okay, everything's okay until it is painfully obvious that it is not and then it all comes crashing down on me as I realize how naive I have been, how childishly stupid I am. It doesn't matter what it is, whether it's my mother's sickness, the futility of a job, the apparent worthlessness of my life, a friend who's lies are destroying my trust in them...I avoid the circumstances until I can no longer do so and suddenly everything becomes crystal clear that everything's not okay as I had been telling myself and I just fall uncontrollably into pieces.

I wish I could turn off my mind, I wish I could turn off my emotion. Sometimes I feel screwed over by God that I was not born with the ability to do that as so many (especially men) have been. I wish I felt nothing. I wish I was numb. I wish I could be nothing more than some automaton sheep like oh so many of my brethren are. I wish, wish, I wish. But that is just a dream...