I was going to e-mail this to a friend that inspired it (you know who you are), but I figured after the crap I posted last night and earlier today, I might as well post it here for everyone to read it. I guess it's a sort of apology, or at least a sort of a ying to the yang of my depressive rant (or maybe a tit for the tat?).
The thing is, I am frustrated with my life. I am frustrated with the fact that try as I may to do the right thing in everything that I do, I get nowhere. It doesn't matter if it's in the workplace, in my family life, in my romantic life, my social life, or wherever else it doesn't go anywhere. I try to do good, and I honestly believe in the bottom of my heart that I do do good...at least most of the time (a record that I am proud of and do not feel it humanly possible to do better). And it kills me, it does. It seems unfair to me. It seems unjust. And sometimes all of that shit just piles up and it just has to come out...and it does...here. It isn't because I have a necessarily negative view of the world or of people in general, and I certainly don't have a negative view of myself, it's just that sometimes things get to a point where you just can't take the punches anymore and you have to say something. That's what it was. That's all that it was. A silly sort of "so's your mama" sort of attack on the world...a true existential rant.
But I fear, and I've been told, that it makes me seem negative. I've come to realize that in recent months thanks to the friendship that has grown between myself and the person mentioned above. I'm trying to change...not myself per se, but the face that I show to the world. I will always be a gadfly on the ass of injustice (and hopefully someday as a lawyer, or writer, or public servant), but I realize that I needn't allow it to spread to every facet of my existence. I needn't complain to my friends about how the world is fucked up, about how nothing is fair, and how there's no sense of decency in the world. When I do that, I lump too many good people into those vague categories -- people that shouldn't be lumped in. Not only that, but when I allow myself to be consumed with these thoughts, it transcends my own personality (a loveable, spunky sort if I do say so myself) and becomes me, if only in the visage of myself to the world.
I need to calm down, take a chill pill, smoke a few herbs or something, and stop being such an asshole...even though, deep down, I'm not really.
The thing is, I am frustrated with my life. I am frustrated with the fact that try as I may to do the right thing in everything that I do, I get nowhere. It doesn't matter if it's in the workplace, in my family life, in my romantic life, my social life, or wherever else it doesn't go anywhere. I try to do good, and I honestly believe in the bottom of my heart that I do do good...at least most of the time (a record that I am proud of and do not feel it humanly possible to do better). And it kills me, it does. It seems unfair to me. It seems unjust. And sometimes all of that shit just piles up and it just has to come out...and it does...here. It isn't because I have a necessarily negative view of the world or of people in general, and I certainly don't have a negative view of myself, it's just that sometimes things get to a point where you just can't take the punches anymore and you have to say something. That's what it was. That's all that it was. A silly sort of "so's your mama" sort of attack on the world...a true existential rant.
But I fear, and I've been told, that it makes me seem negative. I've come to realize that in recent months thanks to the friendship that has grown between myself and the person mentioned above. I'm trying to change...not myself per se, but the face that I show to the world. I will always be a gadfly on the ass of injustice (and hopefully someday as a lawyer, or writer, or public servant), but I realize that I needn't allow it to spread to every facet of my existence. I needn't complain to my friends about how the world is fucked up, about how nothing is fair, and how there's no sense of decency in the world. When I do that, I lump too many good people into those vague categories -- people that shouldn't be lumped in. Not only that, but when I allow myself to be consumed with these thoughts, it transcends my own personality (a loveable, spunky sort if I do say so myself) and becomes me, if only in the visage of myself to the world.
I need to calm down, take a chill pill, smoke a few herbs or something, and stop being such an asshole...even though, deep down, I'm not really.
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