So I finished writing that last post last night and decided to go and take a walk. Somewhere in between the two, I came to the realization that I am happy. Honest to God happy. For so long I have been over-worried about my problems and wondering what the hell they meant. I have a very good self-image, as I have said, but it all made me wonder if maybe I needed to change. But then it dawned on me...my problems aren't my problems, they aren't exclusive to me. They are the problems that we all face because we are all human. So what if no girl will date me? That's their problem, not mine. I'm who I am and that's cool, that's awesome. You know what? Girls don't know what the hell they want. So what if I don't have a job that is fulfilling? With the economy the way it is, there are plenty of people in the same boat. So what if I don't know which way I want to take my life in in the future? I know that whichever road I take will lead to my success.
Right now, in the here and now, I am happy. I have no HUGE problems -- no secret crushes, no diseases, no impending financial disasters, no huge family problems, for crises of faith, none of the myriad troubles that so many people face every day -- just little ones. Wants, not needs. For that I should be grateful. And now I think I'm ready to realize that that is the case.
So last night, even though it was a Friday night and I was alone at home as usual, I was overcome by this euphoric high, this feeling that, indeed, everything is alright and that even though things aren't perfect in my life, that's good enough. I can't hope for more than that. I have people that care about me, my health, no huge issues, and I am, at an existential level, very, very comfortable with myself. That's more than most people, I think, can really claim. Sure I want more, but those are wants and not needs. I think that maybe my hopes that all would be perfect in my life, my belief that all should be perfect, clouded my ability to realize that what I have already is pretty damn good. Hope can sometimes do that to you. Especially if you wager all your emotional energy in it. Hope can only carry you so far, and rose colored glasses can fog your vision. But hope has a place and I have found it and so I can now put everything into perspective and it feels really, really good.
I am happy. I realized that and it made me even happier. So happy that I took it upon myself to tell people all over the place. And the best part is, everyone that I told seemed to have been made a little happier themselves in knowing that I got there. Even though it still left them with their own troubles. It felt good to be able to lift so many people up, if only for a moment.
Right now, in the here and now, I am happy. I have no HUGE problems -- no secret crushes, no diseases, no impending financial disasters, no huge family problems, for crises of faith, none of the myriad troubles that so many people face every day -- just little ones. Wants, not needs. For that I should be grateful. And now I think I'm ready to realize that that is the case.
So last night, even though it was a Friday night and I was alone at home as usual, I was overcome by this euphoric high, this feeling that, indeed, everything is alright and that even though things aren't perfect in my life, that's good enough. I can't hope for more than that. I have people that care about me, my health, no huge issues, and I am, at an existential level, very, very comfortable with myself. That's more than most people, I think, can really claim. Sure I want more, but those are wants and not needs. I think that maybe my hopes that all would be perfect in my life, my belief that all should be perfect, clouded my ability to realize that what I have already is pretty damn good. Hope can sometimes do that to you. Especially if you wager all your emotional energy in it. Hope can only carry you so far, and rose colored glasses can fog your vision. But hope has a place and I have found it and so I can now put everything into perspective and it feels really, really good.
I am happy. I realized that and it made me even happier. So happy that I took it upon myself to tell people all over the place. And the best part is, everyone that I told seemed to have been made a little happier themselves in knowing that I got there. Even though it still left them with their own troubles. It felt good to be able to lift so many people up, if only for a moment.
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