For starters I'll begin with my usual Monday night/Tuesday morning analysis of Joe Millionaire...I watched the show with my room mate and best friend and both of them thought for sure that Zora was going to be kicked off. They both felt it was obvious that she would be. I was the lone dissenter (I guess that makes mine the minority report -- but then it doesn't surprise me given the fact that I'm almost always right about the compatibility of two people). The thing is, the two of them are so obvious for one another. Sure, their date was akward and they didn't talk much and it was certainly uncomfortable for both of them, but that's not at all what's important in love. I know this...too well. The thing that was important was that they are two kindred spirits, that they understand each other deeply even if they don't realize it. I mean, true love, if that's what it can be called (not that I believe that either would realize it at this stage of their "relationship") is about that, not about the superficialities of good times and comradery. The fact that they didn't have much to say speaks volumes about their inter-relationship and how good they are for one another. At this stage, Evan seems to realize this, or at least feels that it is more important than the hotness or fun or seeming likenesses that he has with other girls, but only time will tell if he's not a dumbass and dumps her. That sort of connection only comes now and then, if at all, in life.
But the even better half of my evening came after the show so I'll cut off that talk for now. After the show, the three of us went to the bar and that eventually turned into a good conversation that lifted my heart a bit. For starters, I found that I am not such a basket case for having my semi-fanatical understanding of the nature of love in it's various forms (essay posted on my website to save BlogSpot some bandwidth) and how so many (I estimate 99.9% of Americans and probably 99.3% of the rest of the industrialized world -- more in places with pop culture influences than others) have a confused notion of it. I see so many chasing shadows and it depresses me, but at least I know now that I am not some over-romantic psychopath for believing that two many people are hung up on the belief that eros and philos are the pinnacles of "true love". That makes me feel better.
It also was a relief to hear someone tell me that all the problems that I have with social relationships (of various sorts) are not unique to me. I am not alone, and I needn't go into specifics here, and it feels good to know that it is not unusual...or at least not specific to me alone...to feel as lonely and underappreciated as I do. I was given the criticism of my persona that I have been seeking out for too long, and though I knew most of it in my heart already, it is reassuring somehow to hear other people say that that's what they feel is my problem. Basically, I give off an aurua of hopelessness, which I totally see, and that drives people away. And though it is hard for me to try and change that about myself -- because it's hard to blame yourself when you feel screwed over by other people time and time and time again, even if you know some of the problem is in yourself -- I feel as though I have confirmation of my worst feelings about myself and that gives me a place to start off at. I was also able to share my feelings of under-appreciation and ideals of what life is all about, and that too gives me hope.
The only negative that I feel about tonight is that I worry that people feel they've been too harsh to me. I tried to convey that I don't feel over-burdened by criticism that I am given and that I rather relish it given the fact that people (and especially girls) tell me how fucking wonderful I am, but I fear that they might feel that I cannot take it for whatever reason. I can, I am seeking out criticism because, at this point in my life, I need that. I don't know what my deal is, not exactly, and it's wonderful to have friends care about me enough to tell it to me straight out. It helps me focus. It helps me weed out the other possibilities that I feel are contenders and lets me work on those things that other people perceive as my weaknesses as a human being. I am teflon baby, nothing sticks and nothing scorches, I can take all the criticism in the world and it won't even phase me. I've been through enough shit in my life (death of a friend and my mother, crisis of faith, unrequited love to name a few) that my lackings as a human being are nothing. I'm not sure people really understand that about me. I wish they did, because it kills me that I feel people don't realize they can be brutally, painfully honest with me and I'll love them even more in the end for doing so. That's what love's all about in the end after all...
But anyway, to some it all up, I feel more normal tonight than I have in a long time, and I feel loved. Thank you.
But the even better half of my evening came after the show so I'll cut off that talk for now. After the show, the three of us went to the bar and that eventually turned into a good conversation that lifted my heart a bit. For starters, I found that I am not such a basket case for having my semi-fanatical understanding of the nature of love in it's various forms (essay posted on my website to save BlogSpot some bandwidth) and how so many (I estimate 99.9% of Americans and probably 99.3% of the rest of the industrialized world -- more in places with pop culture influences than others) have a confused notion of it. I see so many chasing shadows and it depresses me, but at least I know now that I am not some over-romantic psychopath for believing that two many people are hung up on the belief that eros and philos are the pinnacles of "true love". That makes me feel better.
It also was a relief to hear someone tell me that all the problems that I have with social relationships (of various sorts) are not unique to me. I am not alone, and I needn't go into specifics here, and it feels good to know that it is not unusual...or at least not specific to me alone...to feel as lonely and underappreciated as I do. I was given the criticism of my persona that I have been seeking out for too long, and though I knew most of it in my heart already, it is reassuring somehow to hear other people say that that's what they feel is my problem. Basically, I give off an aurua of hopelessness, which I totally see, and that drives people away. And though it is hard for me to try and change that about myself -- because it's hard to blame yourself when you feel screwed over by other people time and time and time again, even if you know some of the problem is in yourself -- I feel as though I have confirmation of my worst feelings about myself and that gives me a place to start off at. I was also able to share my feelings of under-appreciation and ideals of what life is all about, and that too gives me hope.
The only negative that I feel about tonight is that I worry that people feel they've been too harsh to me. I tried to convey that I don't feel over-burdened by criticism that I am given and that I rather relish it given the fact that people (and especially girls) tell me how fucking wonderful I am, but I fear that they might feel that I cannot take it for whatever reason. I can, I am seeking out criticism because, at this point in my life, I need that. I don't know what my deal is, not exactly, and it's wonderful to have friends care about me enough to tell it to me straight out. It helps me focus. It helps me weed out the other possibilities that I feel are contenders and lets me work on those things that other people perceive as my weaknesses as a human being. I am teflon baby, nothing sticks and nothing scorches, I can take all the criticism in the world and it won't even phase me. I've been through enough shit in my life (death of a friend and my mother, crisis of faith, unrequited love to name a few) that my lackings as a human being are nothing. I'm not sure people really understand that about me. I wish they did, because it kills me that I feel people don't realize they can be brutally, painfully honest with me and I'll love them even more in the end for doing so. That's what love's all about in the end after all...
But anyway, to some it all up, I feel more normal tonight than I have in a long time, and I feel loved. Thank you.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home