Fuck. Sometimes I hate that people that I care about read this blog, because I want so badly to leave the post I just made up. But I can't. I need to vent so fucking badly...so very very fucking badly, but I can't stand the thought of hurting my friends with words that could easily be taken wrongly. Oh well. I guess I'll sum it up again in a few short sentences:
A couple of months ago a friend of mine reminded me that if life is throwing me lemons that I should make lemonade out of them. I've been trying since then to do so. But today I realized why it has been so hard for me...lemonade is not just lemon and water, it needs a lot of sugar and the thing is, there isn't that much sweetness in my life which leaves the lemonade that I'm trying to make too tart to drink. I feel lonely, my weekends especially because no one calls, and I have so much frustration built up that I feel like I'm about to burst and I just need to talk it out. I need people to ask me how I'm doing and really mean it when they ask and be willing to listen to my answer whether they don't like it or not. I need people to be willing to hold me, hug me, let me lean my head on their shoulder and cry. I need to feel loved. I need people to give back to me what I give so willingly to them.
The original post (5 Decmeber 2003) --
A couple of months ago a friend of mine reminded me that if life is throwing me lemons that I should make lemonade out of them. I've been trying since then to do so. But today I realized why it has been so hard for me to do so...the thing is, lemonade is not just lemon and water, it needs a lot of sugar and the thing is, there isn't that much sweetness in my life which leaves the lemonade that I'm trying to make too tart to drink. I mean, I'd rather suck on the lemons than drink unsweetened lemonade. And that's what I'm doing. I think.
I mean, it's perfectly natural to be thrown lemons in life, and the fact that there is some sourness involved in living makes the sweet that much sweeter...but it's not natural to be not thrown any sugar either. At least, if it is natural, it's not pleasant and certainly worth griping about. But it's just that I don't feel as though I deserve it. I mean, yeah, I have a shitty job and am dirt poor. Yeah I'm single for the 26th year straight and hating it. Yeah I want to go back to school but can't seem to motivate myself to do so. I can deal with all of that and all of those things would make some fine lemonade if I had some sugar, but I don't have nearly enough. I try to get some, but no one's willing to give me enough. I mean, I need people to listen to me, let me uncork some of the frustration that I feel, but I don't feel that people are willing to listen to me. I need to hang out with friends in quiet places and just be alone and talk about whatever -- not just hang out at bars and shout from across the table. I need people to stop telling me how fucking wonderful I am and then turning around and giving me the cold shoulder. I need people to push me, hold me, love me. And honestly, although some try, no one seems willing to give enough. And I try to give them incentive by being there for them whenever they might need someone, and I hope that they care enough to return the favor when I need it, but they don't. Too often I feel as though I'm taken advantage of -- the kid in elementary school that you play with only because all your real friends are out with chicken pox or maybe because he has a cool toy you want to play with.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly, but I just feel too damn lonely to really feel like they love me, or sometimes even like me. They don't call enough, and aside from a very few, rarely ever ask me how I'm doing except in the polite hello kind of way where you're always supposed to reply with "alright" or "good" or whatever. I mean, there are days that I want to answer with a "suicidal" but there's no way to say that. I'm too fucking polite to do that. And yet, I need to know that someone's there for me, willing to let me lean my gigantic head on their shoulder and cry if need be. I need that. I mean, for God's sake I'm human after all. But I can't. I can't just say "I need some help" because I have too much pride or something, maybe just because I'm afraid that they'll think me a freak for having problems...I don't know. But at the very least, I need people to listen. I don't feel that I have that. And it leaves me ranting on this damn blog with tears forming in my eyes as the result.
A couple of months ago a friend of mine reminded me that if life is throwing me lemons that I should make lemonade out of them. I've been trying since then to do so. But today I realized why it has been so hard for me...lemonade is not just lemon and water, it needs a lot of sugar and the thing is, there isn't that much sweetness in my life which leaves the lemonade that I'm trying to make too tart to drink. I feel lonely, my weekends especially because no one calls, and I have so much frustration built up that I feel like I'm about to burst and I just need to talk it out. I need people to ask me how I'm doing and really mean it when they ask and be willing to listen to my answer whether they don't like it or not. I need people to be willing to hold me, hug me, let me lean my head on their shoulder and cry. I need to feel loved. I need people to give back to me what I give so willingly to them.
The original post (5 Decmeber 2003) --
A couple of months ago a friend of mine reminded me that if life is throwing me lemons that I should make lemonade out of them. I've been trying since then to do so. But today I realized why it has been so hard for me to do so...the thing is, lemonade is not just lemon and water, it needs a lot of sugar and the thing is, there isn't that much sweetness in my life which leaves the lemonade that I'm trying to make too tart to drink. I mean, I'd rather suck on the lemons than drink unsweetened lemonade. And that's what I'm doing. I think.
I mean, it's perfectly natural to be thrown lemons in life, and the fact that there is some sourness involved in living makes the sweet that much sweeter...but it's not natural to be not thrown any sugar either. At least, if it is natural, it's not pleasant and certainly worth griping about. But it's just that I don't feel as though I deserve it. I mean, yeah, I have a shitty job and am dirt poor. Yeah I'm single for the 26th year straight and hating it. Yeah I want to go back to school but can't seem to motivate myself to do so. I can deal with all of that and all of those things would make some fine lemonade if I had some sugar, but I don't have nearly enough. I try to get some, but no one's willing to give me enough. I mean, I need people to listen to me, let me uncork some of the frustration that I feel, but I don't feel that people are willing to listen to me. I need to hang out with friends in quiet places and just be alone and talk about whatever -- not just hang out at bars and shout from across the table. I need people to stop telling me how fucking wonderful I am and then turning around and giving me the cold shoulder. I need people to push me, hold me, love me. And honestly, although some try, no one seems willing to give enough. And I try to give them incentive by being there for them whenever they might need someone, and I hope that they care enough to return the favor when I need it, but they don't. Too often I feel as though I'm taken advantage of -- the kid in elementary school that you play with only because all your real friends are out with chicken pox or maybe because he has a cool toy you want to play with.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly, but I just feel too damn lonely to really feel like they love me, or sometimes even like me. They don't call enough, and aside from a very few, rarely ever ask me how I'm doing except in the polite hello kind of way where you're always supposed to reply with "alright" or "good" or whatever. I mean, there are days that I want to answer with a "suicidal" but there's no way to say that. I'm too fucking polite to do that. And yet, I need to know that someone's there for me, willing to let me lean my gigantic head on their shoulder and cry if need be. I need that. I mean, for God's sake I'm human after all. But I can't. I can't just say "I need some help" because I have too much pride or something, maybe just because I'm afraid that they'll think me a freak for having problems...I don't know. But at the very least, I need people to listen. I don't feel that I have that. And it leaves me ranting on this damn blog with tears forming in my eyes as the result.
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