I have always been a worthless conversationalist and I have always chalked that up to my shyness, but it occurred to me today that that might not be the case…I think it may have more to do with the fact that I generally have nothing to say, at least to the people that I’m talking to.
I lead a pretty dull life. On the typical day I wake up, go to work, come home and eat dinner, then watch TV or a movie or go to the bar or something. Everyday it’s the same thing and very little changes or happens at any one of those steps that is really worth talking about. If anything happens that is worth talking about, it almost always occurs while I’m with one of the very few people that I ever talk to, which of course means I’m just saying stuff like, “Hey, remember that one time…” and I sound like a stoner when I giggle or whatever.
The thing is, in conversations I am usually the listener, and I am a damn good listener if you ask me, and I even give advice that is 95% good on top of that when I’m asked for it (sometimes when I’m not asked…oops). I mean, I have helped people through deaths of loved ones, bad break-ups, shitty relationships, and “self-explorations” (you know, identity crises, faith crises, that sort of thing) or whatever you want to call them. I’ve been through all of that and I’m glad to share what I’ve learned in doing so and am more than happy to help my friends through those problems. Of course, by doing so, I tend to become the friend that people come to when times are bad and “fix them up” so that they can run off and play with others when times are good. That leaves me in a lonely place, I must say. One where nothing happens to me and so I have nothing to share and therefore no way to converse which makes me a boring as hell person to be around. It’s a vicious cycle, it really is.
But right now, everyone around me has problems and that leaves me really, really busy. My roommate is in love with a friend who doesn’t want to chance their friendship with a relationship and has now started dating another guy which has made him a morose mother-fucker lately. My best friend is obsessed with a guy who refuses to commit to her but is always begging for her time nonetheless, a request she cannot seem to say no to; and he's gone for a week so I'm trying to not get used to spending so much time with her lest it all starts up again when he gets back, but I really want to be able to get used to it which means I'm probably over-compensating and being an annoying ass-hole. Another friend is hopelessly in love with a married (with kids) friend of hers and has been for years on end now, and her married friend is at his breaking point wanting seriously to divorce his wife for her and she just wants to always have someone around her. My brother has been out of work for most of the last five months or so which leaves him in a desperate place. Another friend of mine just moved to Hong Kong from Shanghai and yelled at me while she was here for the holidays for never e-mailing her. That all means that I'm probably neglecting all of my other friends that I communicate with primarily by e-mail so I'm feeling like a dirtbag. My roommate, besides the girl problems, is broke and borrowing money from me and forcing our rent to be very late making me risk bouncing a check for him so he doesn’t have to pay the $30 late fee. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera…
My life is a soap opera, basically, but I am not a player in it. I’m the audience. But it’s an interactive thing and I get to be Mr. Helpful and blah blah blah. Of course, I don’t get the paycheck at all…I get to help people get into or fix up relationships, but I never get to be in one myself. I get to help people with money or advice, or whatever, and really never get much back in return. Hell, I have always had to beg for an ear to listen to me in my times of need and yet I lend my ear every chance I get. Never mind those times that I’ve been flat out broke or in love with a girl.
I don’t know, that’s all rather non-sequential, but it’s all on my mind. It just seems somehow unfair that I am always being the friend that does the hard stuff of friendships in helping out but never gets to partake in the good stuff when things are going right. You know? I mean, I am a good friend, I’m the kind of friend that I’d like to have, but very few people feel that way themselves. I don’t know why. I’d love to be the guy that friends take to parties, I’d like to be that male friend that my female friends want to make out with when they just have to kiss someone, I’d love to be told about exciting things happening in people’s lives…but all I hear is the ugly…rather than the good or the bad. Just the ugly.
But I should just shut up before I get myself in trouble. Because, as always, it’s a bit of an exaggeration on my part. A few people care enough to include me in their lives, to some extent, but never as much as I’d like. I think that’s fair to say. I don’t know why, but I think I tend to take all my friendships with people more seriously than my friends do…my being a “friend” to those I consider to be my best friends, an acquaintance to those I consider to be my friends, an enemy of my acquaintances. Hell, if ever anyone decides that I’m their best friend, I’ll be probably consider them my spouse; if anyone ever marries me, I guess that’d make me their God…or something. Okay, I’m stopping now.
I lead a pretty dull life. On the typical day I wake up, go to work, come home and eat dinner, then watch TV or a movie or go to the bar or something. Everyday it’s the same thing and very little changes or happens at any one of those steps that is really worth talking about. If anything happens that is worth talking about, it almost always occurs while I’m with one of the very few people that I ever talk to, which of course means I’m just saying stuff like, “Hey, remember that one time…” and I sound like a stoner when I giggle or whatever.
The thing is, in conversations I am usually the listener, and I am a damn good listener if you ask me, and I even give advice that is 95% good on top of that when I’m asked for it (sometimes when I’m not asked…oops). I mean, I have helped people through deaths of loved ones, bad break-ups, shitty relationships, and “self-explorations” (you know, identity crises, faith crises, that sort of thing) or whatever you want to call them. I’ve been through all of that and I’m glad to share what I’ve learned in doing so and am more than happy to help my friends through those problems. Of course, by doing so, I tend to become the friend that people come to when times are bad and “fix them up” so that they can run off and play with others when times are good. That leaves me in a lonely place, I must say. One where nothing happens to me and so I have nothing to share and therefore no way to converse which makes me a boring as hell person to be around. It’s a vicious cycle, it really is.
But right now, everyone around me has problems and that leaves me really, really busy. My roommate is in love with a friend who doesn’t want to chance their friendship with a relationship and has now started dating another guy which has made him a morose mother-fucker lately. My best friend is obsessed with a guy who refuses to commit to her but is always begging for her time nonetheless, a request she cannot seem to say no to; and he's gone for a week so I'm trying to not get used to spending so much time with her lest it all starts up again when he gets back, but I really want to be able to get used to it which means I'm probably over-compensating and being an annoying ass-hole. Another friend is hopelessly in love with a married (with kids) friend of hers and has been for years on end now, and her married friend is at his breaking point wanting seriously to divorce his wife for her and she just wants to always have someone around her. My brother has been out of work for most of the last five months or so which leaves him in a desperate place. Another friend of mine just moved to Hong Kong from Shanghai and yelled at me while she was here for the holidays for never e-mailing her. That all means that I'm probably neglecting all of my other friends that I communicate with primarily by e-mail so I'm feeling like a dirtbag. My roommate, besides the girl problems, is broke and borrowing money from me and forcing our rent to be very late making me risk bouncing a check for him so he doesn’t have to pay the $30 late fee. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera…
My life is a soap opera, basically, but I am not a player in it. I’m the audience. But it’s an interactive thing and I get to be Mr. Helpful and blah blah blah. Of course, I don’t get the paycheck at all…I get to help people get into or fix up relationships, but I never get to be in one myself. I get to help people with money or advice, or whatever, and really never get much back in return. Hell, I have always had to beg for an ear to listen to me in my times of need and yet I lend my ear every chance I get. Never mind those times that I’ve been flat out broke or in love with a girl.
I don’t know, that’s all rather non-sequential, but it’s all on my mind. It just seems somehow unfair that I am always being the friend that does the hard stuff of friendships in helping out but never gets to partake in the good stuff when things are going right. You know? I mean, I am a good friend, I’m the kind of friend that I’d like to have, but very few people feel that way themselves. I don’t know why. I’d love to be the guy that friends take to parties, I’d like to be that male friend that my female friends want to make out with when they just have to kiss someone, I’d love to be told about exciting things happening in people’s lives…but all I hear is the ugly…rather than the good or the bad. Just the ugly.
But I should just shut up before I get myself in trouble. Because, as always, it’s a bit of an exaggeration on my part. A few people care enough to include me in their lives, to some extent, but never as much as I’d like. I think that’s fair to say. I don’t know why, but I think I tend to take all my friendships with people more seriously than my friends do…my being a “friend” to those I consider to be my best friends, an acquaintance to those I consider to be my friends, an enemy of my acquaintances. Hell, if ever anyone decides that I’m their best friend, I’ll be probably consider them my spouse; if anyone ever marries me, I guess that’d make me their God…or something. Okay, I’m stopping now.
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