I spent last night, the better part of it at least, alone (though I ran into a friend at the bar and talked for awhile which was nice) and it felt really good. I've been trying too hard lately to be social, I go out too much and stuff during the week and then on weekends when no one calls, I get upset. I'm getting spoiled I think. Or something. I have always been a loner and have always been the kind of guy that enjoyed time to myself and the like. But I got sick of that and so, like I too often do, I decided that only the extreme opposite would cure me (like this one day last week I decided that because I feel alienated for being a nice guy, only being really bad -- to the point of flipping off nuns and stuff -- would make me feel better). Anyway, that's not who I am. My friends the other night told me that I shouldn't be so reliant on other people, that I should find happiness in myself and that sorta thing. I thought that they were being stupid when they said that because I view myself as being a pretty independent, self-sufficient guy and all, but the more that I think about it, the more I realize that they're right. I have been relying on others for my contentment in life too much lately, acceptence by others is something I'm feeling obsessed about almost, and abandonment of even the tiniest sort makes me feel awful. I tell myself that I need people to talk to me and understand me, and though that's nice, a shoulder to cry on instead of my hands, it's dumb of me to think that I need that. It makes me selfish, more selfish than I really am, and it makes me do crazy-stupid things that I really really regret seconds after I do them. And I'm sure that it makes me say and do a lot of things that I'm not even aware of but other people are more than aware of and judging me on. I don't like that feeling. I don't like it at all. It needs to stop. I am honestly comfortable with who I am, but this wicked persona that I've been plastering onto the world in recent months is almost exactly opposite that and it makes me feel like I'm being a fake and plastic and someone other than myself...like I'm trapped in someone else's body or something. I don't know.

But anyway, I believe that the happiest people are those that can be so without the need of others being with them, and I am good at being alone. I can entertain myself (and not just in a purely auto-erotic way) and I can learn so much more about myself when I'm by myself. So this weekend, when no one calls me (yeah, yeah, that's an assumption...but based on past performance, which I realize is not always indicative of future performance...but still the norm), instead of getting upset and moping and whatever, I'm going to be content with watching movies and eating popcorn, reading and writing, and staring at the ceiling and thinking. I'm going to promise that to myself.

Sorry...I just needed to think out loud for a minute, sorry for interupting your web-surfing activities... :)