Maybe my "deal" in life is that I'm just too damn open...I make myself available to anyone willing to ask me questions. And maybe I'm too predictable or something and there's just no interest in asking those questions. I don't know. I'm just brainstorming here.
It just seems to me that the people that people are more interested than me are those that are more outwardly complicated, more layered, than me. I mean, I'm inwardly complex, no problems there, but it seems that people are more interested in "getting to know" other people than they are in just accepting people. Or something like that. Because I'm an easy person to accept, I think...it's hard not to accept someone that wears their heart on their sleave (or has a heart so big it doesn't fit on a sleave) the way that I do. There's really no questioning how I feel about anything, there's no "game" involved in guessing what I'm thinking, there's no real surprise to be found by anyone willing to dig down deep. I am who I am and people just see that and accept it and move on. "Oh, that's just Kyle" they'll say and then do their own thing, tying to figure out someone else.
At least that's the perception that I give off. There's a lot about me that absolutely no one knows...and I'd love to share with anyone that would listen, but everybody thinks that they have me all figured out. It's to a point where people feel comfortable in describing me in one or two words -- quirky or emotional or depressed or passionate are some that I most often hear -- and I'm not saying that I'm none of those things, after all, I think they all describe some aspect of me, but they are by no means the totality of my being. There are sides of me that no one has ever seen, sides of me that no one has cared enough to try to explore, and that, I think, is what leaves me feeling so damn lonely. People would rather try and figure out the damn fools who have obvious issues and turmoil in their lives (maybe because they'd rather try and deal with other peoples' problems than their own?) than try to admit to themselves that I am more complex than anyone that they have ever met before in their lives. I mean, I'm interesting for God's sake...but people keep passing me by because they think that just because I'll openly discuss most every "taboo" subject that there is, that I have nothing to hide or nothing of real substance in my heart or something. I do. Instead I try to weave those complexities into discussions where they don't belong and people just ignore me, I feel. I want so badly to expose myself to the world, it keeps me up at night wondering how to do it in a way that people will listen and care. I don't know.
I'm not bitching or anything about it, I'm just still on this search for the reasons why I feel so distant from the rest of humanity, why I spend my weekends alone, and why I haven't had a date in so long I can't even really remember when it was (btw, no one has replied to my personal ad...go figure).
It just seems to me that the people that people are more interested than me are those that are more outwardly complicated, more layered, than me. I mean, I'm inwardly complex, no problems there, but it seems that people are more interested in "getting to know" other people than they are in just accepting people. Or something like that. Because I'm an easy person to accept, I think...it's hard not to accept someone that wears their heart on their sleave (or has a heart so big it doesn't fit on a sleave) the way that I do. There's really no questioning how I feel about anything, there's no "game" involved in guessing what I'm thinking, there's no real surprise to be found by anyone willing to dig down deep. I am who I am and people just see that and accept it and move on. "Oh, that's just Kyle" they'll say and then do their own thing, tying to figure out someone else.
At least that's the perception that I give off. There's a lot about me that absolutely no one knows...and I'd love to share with anyone that would listen, but everybody thinks that they have me all figured out. It's to a point where people feel comfortable in describing me in one or two words -- quirky or emotional or depressed or passionate are some that I most often hear -- and I'm not saying that I'm none of those things, after all, I think they all describe some aspect of me, but they are by no means the totality of my being. There are sides of me that no one has ever seen, sides of me that no one has cared enough to try to explore, and that, I think, is what leaves me feeling so damn lonely. People would rather try and figure out the damn fools who have obvious issues and turmoil in their lives (maybe because they'd rather try and deal with other peoples' problems than their own?) than try to admit to themselves that I am more complex than anyone that they have ever met before in their lives. I mean, I'm interesting for God's sake...but people keep passing me by because they think that just because I'll openly discuss most every "taboo" subject that there is, that I have nothing to hide or nothing of real substance in my heart or something. I do. Instead I try to weave those complexities into discussions where they don't belong and people just ignore me, I feel. I want so badly to expose myself to the world, it keeps me up at night wondering how to do it in a way that people will listen and care. I don't know.
I'm not bitching or anything about it, I'm just still on this search for the reasons why I feel so distant from the rest of humanity, why I spend my weekends alone, and why I haven't had a date in so long I can't even really remember when it was (btw, no one has replied to my personal ad...go figure).
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