PREFACE: I should warn you that this is a long meandering free-writing that kind of goes all over the place, but it comes to a noble end, so don't get frustrated with the things that I say half-way through because, frankly, I contradict myself by the end anyway...and it's the end that matters since it's where I finally have a "break-through" and it becomes a fine example of the art of free-writing (IMHO), which is the reason that I'm keeping it all up even if the first two-thirds make me sound like a conceited ass. That's my punishment for myself for being a conceited ass. :)
One of the reasons that I actually do like my job is that it gives me an aweful lot of time to think. Whether that thinking is about world events, my friends and family, or myself depends entirely on what is going on in the world around me. Sometimes it's a curse, however, as my mind begins to wonder and focuses in on one idea and my brain just doesn't want to stop. Today was one of those days and the topic that I couldn't stop thinking about was myself. First off, I got confused, confused because of things that were said last night. You see, I think that the thing that defines me as a person, and the thing that sets me apart from other people, is my passion. Not romantic or sexual passion, but the loving kind...the Jesus kind, if you will. I went to the coffee shop tonight and free-wrote, and I ended up with five and a half pages of frustrations that I have with myself and the world, and in the middle of it, I wrote three pages about love. I'll rewrite some of it here:
I think that that last sentence says a lot about that confusion. I am proud of myself that I honestly care so deeply for the misfortunate among us, even though their suffering doesn't affect me personally. No, more than pride I feel about it, it's the reason that I love myself. And yet, I know that it is that that causes me so much pain. So many people can close their eyes to the injustices of the world and live their lives as if nothing is going on around them. I can't. And nobody understands that. Nobody understands love. But I feel it: I cry when I see a homeless man shivering, I feel tremendous guilt when I think about who stitched together the shirt that I'm wearing, I want to fight to my death to get that prisoner of consciousness out of prison. I do. But that love, that strongest of desires to undo all the wretchedness of the world wears me out which leads to frustration which leads to desperation which leads to exasperation which leads to my being an asshole to my family and friends and my exuding this stench of hopelessness. And that kills me, socially and emotionally. Because I give out all this love and I don't think people really understand that. All they see is the exasperation as wretchedness and they say that I need to lighten up. They say that I need to stop worrying about other people, they say that I need to be less sensitive, they say that I need to be less reliant on other people...and the thing is, I agree with them. I do need to stop trying to take the world on my shoulders, I do need to concentrate on improving myself, I do need to work on my social skills. I need to take steps to improve myself to the point where people can come to truly appreciate me as a friend or more. I do. I really, really do. Because even though I am the way that I am out of love for my fellow man and hatred for injustice, both very honorable things methinks, it doesn't do me any good to feel that way, to have those feelings, if I can't communicate and I can't communicate when I'm so hung up on all the problems of the world and letting them infiltrate every fiber of my being. It's a huge-ass Catch-22. I need to lay off of other people's problems, lay off the love, because they are creating monstrous problems for myself. And it leaves me very confused.
But out of that confusion came fright. Suddenly I realized that the thing that makes me me, is the very thing that causes other people to be uncomfortable with me. The very thing that makes me a person that I love and feel deserves love is the thing that ultimately leads to my pushing people away. Of course, that leaves me with a two options: abandon my love for humanity, or abandon my friends who I love. I can't have both, at least not to the extent that I do now. I can't keep going on with my life worrying about other people and their problems and keep my friends at the same time. I can't be me and be who my friends (and I) think I should be all at once. I need to change. That scares the shit out of me. I am become Janus the god with two faces and I have to choose one. I can't keep going on like this. If I choose one way, I lose that part of me that makes me who I am, if I choose the other I damn myself to a lifetime of loneliness -- something that I can't even begin to think I'd be able to tolerate. It's not fair. It's not fair at all....
Fucking-a, there it is, it was there all along, my biggest problem. I have been a blind, stupid asshole but suddenly everything that I'm saying is starting to resonate in my own head. Finally. All of a sudden I have come to realize what it is that is wrong with me...
My whining. I don't think it's fair. I don't feel like I deserve to be in this spot. But I am. The thing is, I haven't let mysle accept that. I, instead, try to blame other people for "not seeing me for what I am" or whatever and bitch and moan about it ad infinitum and that is just plain stupid. It's no ones fault, no ones, but my own and deep down I know that. I know that I create my own barriors in life, I know that I push people away, I know that I am afraid of getting emotionally too close to people, I know that I get worked up about the stupidest little things and try to justify my getting worked up about them by putting them in some sort of noble category, I know that I do all these things, and the thing is, I don't want to take that responsibilty upon myself. But I have to. I do. It's the only way that I will ever get all that I am after. I need to accept my faults as a human being, learn to live with them, and even learn to balance my emotions in such a way that they can comfortably live side by side. I can love humanity and still be a lovable person, I believe that. I just need to come to terms with myself and stop trying to pin my problems on other people. And I think I'm starting to do that. It's going to be hard for me. Very, very hard and I am going to need my friends in a big, big way for comfort and encouragement along the way. I jut hope that my being an asshole these last few weeks...months....years hasn't pushed them away to the point where they're not going to want to listen to me long enough to explain myself and what I'm trying to do for me...and, in the end, for them too since I know that it will only make me a better friend for them too.
Oh well, I've blathered on long enough and I'm going to just post this minus a proof read...so I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope it makes sense. God bless.
One of the reasons that I actually do like my job is that it gives me an aweful lot of time to think. Whether that thinking is about world events, my friends and family, or myself depends entirely on what is going on in the world around me. Sometimes it's a curse, however, as my mind begins to wonder and focuses in on one idea and my brain just doesn't want to stop. Today was one of those days and the topic that I couldn't stop thinking about was myself. First off, I got confused, confused because of things that were said last night. You see, I think that the thing that defines me as a person, and the thing that sets me apart from other people, is my passion. Not romantic or sexual passion, but the loving kind...the Jesus kind, if you will. I went to the coffee shop tonight and free-wrote, and I ended up with five and a half pages of frustrations that I have with myself and the world, and in the middle of it, I wrote three pages about love. I'll rewrite some of it here:
"Everyone loves the flowers and the trees, the touch of a lover, the smile of a child which leaves no love for those that need it most and those that I love. I love the sweatshop children knitting our sweaters 14 hours a day. I love the political prisoners trapped in Hell for daring to think for themselves. I love the woman down the street trapped in a loveless marriage because she mistook lust for love so many years ago, I love the black man neighbor left feeling repressed because of the color of his skin, the gay friend left alienated by his family because of who he loves, the children that face the horror of war because of greedy grown men and their ambitions, the luckless soul born into a world where needs are out of his reach, the homeless girl who falls asleep at night not knowing if she'll wake up at the end of the cold cold night, the prostitute whoring because she never learned to read or love or relate, the dreamer caught in the restlessness of eternal insomnia...I love them because somebody should, I care about them because somebody must, I adore them because they deserve it. I love them even though it destroys me"
I think that that last sentence says a lot about that confusion. I am proud of myself that I honestly care so deeply for the misfortunate among us, even though their suffering doesn't affect me personally. No, more than pride I feel about it, it's the reason that I love myself. And yet, I know that it is that that causes me so much pain. So many people can close their eyes to the injustices of the world and live their lives as if nothing is going on around them. I can't. And nobody understands that. Nobody understands love. But I feel it: I cry when I see a homeless man shivering, I feel tremendous guilt when I think about who stitched together the shirt that I'm wearing, I want to fight to my death to get that prisoner of consciousness out of prison. I do. But that love, that strongest of desires to undo all the wretchedness of the world wears me out which leads to frustration which leads to desperation which leads to exasperation which leads to my being an asshole to my family and friends and my exuding this stench of hopelessness. And that kills me, socially and emotionally. Because I give out all this love and I don't think people really understand that. All they see is the exasperation as wretchedness and they say that I need to lighten up. They say that I need to stop worrying about other people, they say that I need to be less sensitive, they say that I need to be less reliant on other people...and the thing is, I agree with them. I do need to stop trying to take the world on my shoulders, I do need to concentrate on improving myself, I do need to work on my social skills. I need to take steps to improve myself to the point where people can come to truly appreciate me as a friend or more. I do. I really, really do. Because even though I am the way that I am out of love for my fellow man and hatred for injustice, both very honorable things methinks, it doesn't do me any good to feel that way, to have those feelings, if I can't communicate and I can't communicate when I'm so hung up on all the problems of the world and letting them infiltrate every fiber of my being. It's a huge-ass Catch-22. I need to lay off of other people's problems, lay off the love, because they are creating monstrous problems for myself. And it leaves me very confused.
But out of that confusion came fright. Suddenly I realized that the thing that makes me me, is the very thing that causes other people to be uncomfortable with me. The very thing that makes me a person that I love and feel deserves love is the thing that ultimately leads to my pushing people away. Of course, that leaves me with a two options: abandon my love for humanity, or abandon my friends who I love. I can't have both, at least not to the extent that I do now. I can't keep going on with my life worrying about other people and their problems and keep my friends at the same time. I can't be me and be who my friends (and I) think I should be all at once. I need to change. That scares the shit out of me. I am become Janus the god with two faces and I have to choose one. I can't keep going on like this. If I choose one way, I lose that part of me that makes me who I am, if I choose the other I damn myself to a lifetime of loneliness -- something that I can't even begin to think I'd be able to tolerate. It's not fair. It's not fair at all....
Fucking-a, there it is, it was there all along, my biggest problem. I have been a blind, stupid asshole but suddenly everything that I'm saying is starting to resonate in my own head. Finally. All of a sudden I have come to realize what it is that is wrong with me...
My whining. I don't think it's fair. I don't feel like I deserve to be in this spot. But I am. The thing is, I haven't let mysle accept that. I, instead, try to blame other people for "not seeing me for what I am" or whatever and bitch and moan about it ad infinitum and that is just plain stupid. It's no ones fault, no ones, but my own and deep down I know that. I know that I create my own barriors in life, I know that I push people away, I know that I am afraid of getting emotionally too close to people, I know that I get worked up about the stupidest little things and try to justify my getting worked up about them by putting them in some sort of noble category, I know that I do all these things, and the thing is, I don't want to take that responsibilty upon myself. But I have to. I do. It's the only way that I will ever get all that I am after. I need to accept my faults as a human being, learn to live with them, and even learn to balance my emotions in such a way that they can comfortably live side by side. I can love humanity and still be a lovable person, I believe that. I just need to come to terms with myself and stop trying to pin my problems on other people. And I think I'm starting to do that. It's going to be hard for me. Very, very hard and I am going to need my friends in a big, big way for comfort and encouragement along the way. I jut hope that my being an asshole these last few weeks...months....years hasn't pushed them away to the point where they're not going to want to listen to me long enough to explain myself and what I'm trying to do for me...and, in the end, for them too since I know that it will only make me a better friend for them too.
Oh well, I've blathered on long enough and I'm going to just post this minus a proof read...so I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope it makes sense. God bless.
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