Today was a miserable day for the most part, especially given how it started out...by my ramming my car into a mail truck. You know, sun and snow glare and the white paint of those USPS trucks just don't lead to anything good. But anyway, it wasn't anything serious but it did mean that the carrier whose truck I hit got an hour or two behind which meant that they needed another carrier to help out with the route she was supposed to do. So they called my roommate and he came in and was told that one of the trucks had been run into and that they needed his help. When I got home tonight, I asked him: "So I did I get you some work today?" and he looked at me puzzled, "I ran into a truck and the carrier said that she was going to need help to get her route done..." "That was you???"
Sometimes the smallness of this world is overwhelming...
EDIT -- This was the real post that was here...I erased it out of shame, but today, Dec. 5, 2003, I am re-adding it in my attempt to be sincere. This episode in my life is over, so it's not so horrible...
Oh what a shitty day I have had. The shittiest of shitty days. I’ll try and explain. First things first, I started my day by attempting to buy a tank of gas. Hmph. Well, I get to the gas station and try to turn in, the sun in my eye and snow banks everywhere…needless to say, a lot of white. Also white was the mail truck that was pulling out of the same driveway that I was trying to pull into, the mail truck that I didn’t see, the mail truck that I proceded to smash into. Yes, I ran into the neighborhood mailman. Not a lot of damage to either of us, let alone injuries, but still a big pain in the butt because I had to wait for the police to show up while standing out in the single-digit cold without enough clothing on, especially on my feet and hands. Fifty minutes I had to stand outside waiting, I couldn’t start up my car because I was already running on fumes by that point and didn’t dare try to idle it to keep warm, and that’s not even to allow the factor of my car’s propensity to stall whenever it’s cold. So I had to sit out there, talk to the cop, fill out post office forms and whatever else, by the time I finally got to work I did so with numb feet and a civil infraction ticket that I don’t know will cost me.
That was just my warming up.
As I’ve said before, my job allows me too much opportunity to think to myself. Way too much time. Well, I did a lot of that today, and it wasn’t happy thoughts. See, last night I was an asshole to a friend. There’s no need to go into details, but the fact of the matter is, I blew something way out of proportion -- to the point of being a total jackass and entirely ruining the evening. A pet peeve of mine (having a conversation on the cell phone while in the middle of a discussion) occurred and instead of a sensible “you know, I find being left at the bar by myself while the person I’m with talks on the phone very uncomfortable.” I instead went all over-dramatic and suggested that we leave because she “ruined the conversation”. I hate that about myself. I fucking hate it. In fact, it is the only thing in the world that I can say I hate – the way that I blow things out of proportion and get all over-dramatic about the stupidest things…it’s lost me friends and it’s caused me self-respect. I fucking hate that part of me. But I did it and I regret it and I’ve beat myself up all day today thinking about it. My friend doesn’t deserve that, not at all. Even if I was offended by her actions, which would still be blowing a pet-peeve out of proportion, it was totally unacceptable of me to do what I did. And all day my thoughts floated around that and how that needs to change about me. It needs to change. It’s not right to be a person that allows himself to do that, get all emotional about something insignificant like that. Dammit, I just want that part of me to die, go away, and never ever come back. That is to be my focus for myself…to rip that part of my soul to shreds.
The rest of the day was spent wondering why I did what I did, and why things between me and this friend sometimes come to that sort of discomfort level. It’s not healthy, as she has said, but at the same time, I think it is a good thing and something that we need to talk about. It’s that good sort of discomfort that I wrote about last night before all of this happened, not the wool sweater and winter coat in summer heat kind of discomfort but that sort of things can only get better sort of discomfort. I don’t know, she and I need to talk. I never ever want that sort of thing to happen – never ever ever ever ever again – and I think that if we just talked very candidly, things would be clearer and this tension that exists between us – and sometimes breaks in moments like last night – would be worked out and everything could be honky-dory again. I don’t know. I feel like shit. I really do.
Sometimes the smallness of this world is overwhelming...
EDIT -- This was the real post that was here...I erased it out of shame, but today, Dec. 5, 2003, I am re-adding it in my attempt to be sincere. This episode in my life is over, so it's not so horrible...
Oh what a shitty day I have had. The shittiest of shitty days. I’ll try and explain. First things first, I started my day by attempting to buy a tank of gas. Hmph. Well, I get to the gas station and try to turn in, the sun in my eye and snow banks everywhere…needless to say, a lot of white. Also white was the mail truck that was pulling out of the same driveway that I was trying to pull into, the mail truck that I didn’t see, the mail truck that I proceded to smash into. Yes, I ran into the neighborhood mailman. Not a lot of damage to either of us, let alone injuries, but still a big pain in the butt because I had to wait for the police to show up while standing out in the single-digit cold without enough clothing on, especially on my feet and hands. Fifty minutes I had to stand outside waiting, I couldn’t start up my car because I was already running on fumes by that point and didn’t dare try to idle it to keep warm, and that’s not even to allow the factor of my car’s propensity to stall whenever it’s cold. So I had to sit out there, talk to the cop, fill out post office forms and whatever else, by the time I finally got to work I did so with numb feet and a civil infraction ticket that I don’t know will cost me.
That was just my warming up.
As I’ve said before, my job allows me too much opportunity to think to myself. Way too much time. Well, I did a lot of that today, and it wasn’t happy thoughts. See, last night I was an asshole to a friend. There’s no need to go into details, but the fact of the matter is, I blew something way out of proportion -- to the point of being a total jackass and entirely ruining the evening. A pet peeve of mine (having a conversation on the cell phone while in the middle of a discussion) occurred and instead of a sensible “you know, I find being left at the bar by myself while the person I’m with talks on the phone very uncomfortable.” I instead went all over-dramatic and suggested that we leave because she “ruined the conversation”. I hate that about myself. I fucking hate it. In fact, it is the only thing in the world that I can say I hate – the way that I blow things out of proportion and get all over-dramatic about the stupidest things…it’s lost me friends and it’s caused me self-respect. I fucking hate that part of me. But I did it and I regret it and I’ve beat myself up all day today thinking about it. My friend doesn’t deserve that, not at all. Even if I was offended by her actions, which would still be blowing a pet-peeve out of proportion, it was totally unacceptable of me to do what I did. And all day my thoughts floated around that and how that needs to change about me. It needs to change. It’s not right to be a person that allows himself to do that, get all emotional about something insignificant like that. Dammit, I just want that part of me to die, go away, and never ever come back. That is to be my focus for myself…to rip that part of my soul to shreds.
The rest of the day was spent wondering why I did what I did, and why things between me and this friend sometimes come to that sort of discomfort level. It’s not healthy, as she has said, but at the same time, I think it is a good thing and something that we need to talk about. It’s that good sort of discomfort that I wrote about last night before all of this happened, not the wool sweater and winter coat in summer heat kind of discomfort but that sort of things can only get better sort of discomfort. I don’t know, she and I need to talk. I never ever want that sort of thing to happen – never ever ever ever ever again – and I think that if we just talked very candidly, things would be clearer and this tension that exists between us – and sometimes breaks in moments like last night – would be worked out and everything could be honky-dory again. I don’t know. I feel like shit. I really do.
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