Why do people deceive themselves so? I don't get it. I was reminded of a "thing" (I don't know what to call it) back in college where some students decided that they wanted to "know" what it was like to be homeless by sleeping one relatively cold night in a box on the school commons. By doing so, they thought, they would come to know what it's like to be without a home. All that they really learned was what it's like to sleep in the cold. They didn't know what it was like to not know where they were going to sleep the next night or the night after -- they knew they'd be warm and comfortable in their dorm-rooms. They didn't go hungry. They didn't suffer the scorn and humiliation that homeless people do (quite the opposite -- they were applauded by the community). They didn't feel the hopeless abandonment. All they did was sleep in a box in the cold and suddenly they felt they knew what it was like to be homeless. Bullshit.
The same thing happens to me all the time. My phone barely rings, no one inks me into their schedule, getting people to do things with me is like pulling teeth, and getting a girl to see me as "dateable" is more or less impossible. But friends always tell me that things will turn out okay, that they "know" what I'm going through. I have never had a girlfriend -- but people point to that three month period of their life where they were alone and say they know what it's like. pah! I have spent a week cooped up in my apartment with not a single moment of human to human contact and people jump to that night two weeks back where they sat in their room and ate popcorn and say that they can identify. hmph! I have been without a phone call for longer than I can remember and people try to equate that to four nights of loneliness. whatever. I have stayed in Paris for three nights of my life, but I wouldn't claim to know what it's like to live there. Why can't other people be that honest with themselves?
But now I'm bitching. It's just that it's hard to be a loser and have people try to tell me that I'm not...that I'm "normal". They have no idea what it's like to live my life. I have gone through more shit in my first quarter century than most people do in their three-quarter century lives. Seriously. And I have had good things happen to me, proportionately more than other people my age even (and I've seen things and done things that most people can only hope to dream about), but those good things seem so empty while I'm denied so many of the usual things -- financial stability, a girlfriend that loves me, friends who think of me before they think of their other friends, that sort of thing. I mean, I feel like a loser. I really do, and in all my analytical abilities, I don't think that that assessment of myself is that irrational. I really don't.
It's just that I feel so damn misunderstood. People like to throw labels at how I feel -- "you're just depressed" they might say -- even though I know in my heart that I'm not. I am an honest to God good person and all around nice guy, I swear, but people just brush me off as being "negative" or whatever. I am not. People take me for granted, I feel, treat me like I'm nothing but an old reliable to call in times of need. I radiate love, pure love, and it's seen as anything but. I don't understand why. I really don't. Why can't people just accept me for what I am? Why can't people just see that when I say that I care about them, it's not because of how they make me feel, but because I care about who they are? There's a big difference in that. There really is. I see all the time people, friends, choosing to spend their time with people that care about them only because they appreciate some vain aspect of their existence, leaving me sulking at home worrying about those same people and how their getting their hopes up that maybe this person or that really cares about them. They don't. They really don't. People suck, for the most part, and they will use you and abuse you because you make them feel good. They'll dump you out of their lives as soon as they find no use for you. That's the way that most of us are.
But I learned a long time ago that that's not what people are for. The people that I care about, I care about because I care about them. Most of them make me feel like shit from time to time, and if I were an asshole like so many, I would drop them from my life, but I don't. No one sees what that means. They dwell on my "negativity" and think that I somehow hate them. Bullshit. The only times that I am negative is when I really care about someone: really, really, really care about someone. I see them doing things that I know they will regret -- getting themselves involved with someone that's "using" them, getting themselves into a job I know will dissastify them, doing one thing or another that is so bone-headed I know in my heart that they will regret that they did it. People that I don't care about can do whatever they want -- some part of me wants them to fuck up and screw themselves -- I never say a damn word. I guess my criticism of others then is nothing but a sign of love -- even if it is seen as something else. I don't know. People don't get me, and no one seems willing to even try. Which of course leads to everything I said in the first paragraph or two -- abandonment and loneliness and people trying to say that they "understand" when they have no fucking clue.
But anyway, I just had a need to rant. Thank you for your time.
The same thing happens to me all the time. My phone barely rings, no one inks me into their schedule, getting people to do things with me is like pulling teeth, and getting a girl to see me as "dateable" is more or less impossible. But friends always tell me that things will turn out okay, that they "know" what I'm going through. I have never had a girlfriend -- but people point to that three month period of their life where they were alone and say they know what it's like. pah! I have spent a week cooped up in my apartment with not a single moment of human to human contact and people jump to that night two weeks back where they sat in their room and ate popcorn and say that they can identify. hmph! I have been without a phone call for longer than I can remember and people try to equate that to four nights of loneliness. whatever. I have stayed in Paris for three nights of my life, but I wouldn't claim to know what it's like to live there. Why can't other people be that honest with themselves?
But now I'm bitching. It's just that it's hard to be a loser and have people try to tell me that I'm not...that I'm "normal". They have no idea what it's like to live my life. I have gone through more shit in my first quarter century than most people do in their three-quarter century lives. Seriously. And I have had good things happen to me, proportionately more than other people my age even (and I've seen things and done things that most people can only hope to dream about), but those good things seem so empty while I'm denied so many of the usual things -- financial stability, a girlfriend that loves me, friends who think of me before they think of their other friends, that sort of thing. I mean, I feel like a loser. I really do, and in all my analytical abilities, I don't think that that assessment of myself is that irrational. I really don't.
It's just that I feel so damn misunderstood. People like to throw labels at how I feel -- "you're just depressed" they might say -- even though I know in my heart that I'm not. I am an honest to God good person and all around nice guy, I swear, but people just brush me off as being "negative" or whatever. I am not. People take me for granted, I feel, treat me like I'm nothing but an old reliable to call in times of need. I radiate love, pure love, and it's seen as anything but. I don't understand why. I really don't. Why can't people just accept me for what I am? Why can't people just see that when I say that I care about them, it's not because of how they make me feel, but because I care about who they are? There's a big difference in that. There really is. I see all the time people, friends, choosing to spend their time with people that care about them only because they appreciate some vain aspect of their existence, leaving me sulking at home worrying about those same people and how their getting their hopes up that maybe this person or that really cares about them. They don't. They really don't. People suck, for the most part, and they will use you and abuse you because you make them feel good. They'll dump you out of their lives as soon as they find no use for you. That's the way that most of us are.
But I learned a long time ago that that's not what people are for. The people that I care about, I care about because I care about them. Most of them make me feel like shit from time to time, and if I were an asshole like so many, I would drop them from my life, but I don't. No one sees what that means. They dwell on my "negativity" and think that I somehow hate them. Bullshit. The only times that I am negative is when I really care about someone: really, really, really care about someone. I see them doing things that I know they will regret -- getting themselves involved with someone that's "using" them, getting themselves into a job I know will dissastify them, doing one thing or another that is so bone-headed I know in my heart that they will regret that they did it. People that I don't care about can do whatever they want -- some part of me wants them to fuck up and screw themselves -- I never say a damn word. I guess my criticism of others then is nothing but a sign of love -- even if it is seen as something else. I don't know. People don't get me, and no one seems willing to even try. Which of course leads to everything I said in the first paragraph or two -- abandonment and loneliness and people trying to say that they "understand" when they have no fucking clue.
But anyway, I just had a need to rant. Thank you for your time.
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