Egads, today is dragging on and on and on. Nothing to do at work so I got sent home on a break, but earlier I slid into a curb and bent in the rim of a tire which seems to be holding for now but only God knows if it will still that way, and I'm tired and achy. blech. I don't like days like this. No I don't. But I did want to write on a couple of things, so I guess I will.
First, the Columbia disaster. It upset me tremedously. I am a huge fan of the space program and want to see them do more, not less. And the accident makes me feel no differently. I don't know if it makes me a creep for thinking so or whatever, but I don't see why this should be a set-back at all for NASA. I mean, they have so far sent 130-140 or so manned missions into space which all resulted in the necessity of having those people come back by hurtling through the atmosphere at 20 times the speed of sound...I think it's impressive that it has taken this long, 40 years, for the systems that they developed to not work on one trip. I mean, it's tragic, don't get me wrong, but it's fricken dangerous and sometimes dangerous things have catastrophic results. The astronauts throughout the history of NASA have known this and I'm sure that the seven souls that were lost on Saturday were well aware of the dangers too. I just hope that this doesn't lead into another three-year drought of space exploration like the Challenger did. Though I'm not sure that it will since the Challenger was the result of design flaws (in the O-rings) and bad decision making (launching the morning after a hard freeze) -- this Columbia incident just seems more like, I hate to say it, dumb luck...something striking the wing either during launch, in space, or during the descent or maybe a crucial tile or something coming loose at the exact wrong time or something. Nothing that can be blamed on design flaws necessarily, only on fate. I don't know, maybe I'm insensitive, but I think that we don't take fate and luck into consideration enough in these matters, instead preferring to think we can master all possible failings and make things absolutely safe so no risk can be involved. What would have come of the "new world" had the great explorers of the past turned back or stopped coming any time disaster struck? We need to move forward. We need to push ourselves into new places and new frontiers even at risk of death or a loss of pride. That's how we will grow as a nation, as a society, and as a human race. That's what I think about that.
The other thing I wanted to write about was something that's been on my mind a lot lately. That is, the fact that I am afraid of commitment and intimacy. Not just of the romanitc kinds, but of all kinds -- family, platonic friendships, work relationships. For so long I have been hurt by people -- friends and even family -- that I have developed a shell that kind of gives me security and protection. I have not been able to trust people, I have not been willing to open up to people, I have not been able to feel free in my interactions with other people. But lately one of my friendships has been blossoming in beautiful ways and been forcing me to deal with those issues that have rattled me for so long. For once I feel comfortable with someone, for once I feel trusting of someone, for once I feel I can turn my back and not have to fear that she will talk about me, run away, or intentionally try to hurt me and that, for me, is something different, something that I am having a hard time dealing with just because it is the opposite of every friendship that I have had in my recent life...I've always had to be protective of myself and try to keep one step ahead of people, guessing what their intentions were before they could act on them, lest they hurt me. But I don't have to with her...and for some reason it bothers me, but in a good way if that makes any sense. It's really wierd and it leaves me feeling a bit odd and confused and hypersensitive as if I'm half-expecting something bad to happen but in my heart I know that it won't, because she cares about me and she wouldn't do anything that would intentionally hurt me. It's different, but in a good way. A very good way. Thank you, you know who you are. :)
First, the Columbia disaster. It upset me tremedously. I am a huge fan of the space program and want to see them do more, not less. And the accident makes me feel no differently. I don't know if it makes me a creep for thinking so or whatever, but I don't see why this should be a set-back at all for NASA. I mean, they have so far sent 130-140 or so manned missions into space which all resulted in the necessity of having those people come back by hurtling through the atmosphere at 20 times the speed of sound...I think it's impressive that it has taken this long, 40 years, for the systems that they developed to not work on one trip. I mean, it's tragic, don't get me wrong, but it's fricken dangerous and sometimes dangerous things have catastrophic results. The astronauts throughout the history of NASA have known this and I'm sure that the seven souls that were lost on Saturday were well aware of the dangers too. I just hope that this doesn't lead into another three-year drought of space exploration like the Challenger did. Though I'm not sure that it will since the Challenger was the result of design flaws (in the O-rings) and bad decision making (launching the morning after a hard freeze) -- this Columbia incident just seems more like, I hate to say it, dumb luck...something striking the wing either during launch, in space, or during the descent or maybe a crucial tile or something coming loose at the exact wrong time or something. Nothing that can be blamed on design flaws necessarily, only on fate. I don't know, maybe I'm insensitive, but I think that we don't take fate and luck into consideration enough in these matters, instead preferring to think we can master all possible failings and make things absolutely safe so no risk can be involved. What would have come of the "new world" had the great explorers of the past turned back or stopped coming any time disaster struck? We need to move forward. We need to push ourselves into new places and new frontiers even at risk of death or a loss of pride. That's how we will grow as a nation, as a society, and as a human race. That's what I think about that.
The other thing I wanted to write about was something that's been on my mind a lot lately. That is, the fact that I am afraid of commitment and intimacy. Not just of the romanitc kinds, but of all kinds -- family, platonic friendships, work relationships. For so long I have been hurt by people -- friends and even family -- that I have developed a shell that kind of gives me security and protection. I have not been able to trust people, I have not been willing to open up to people, I have not been able to feel free in my interactions with other people. But lately one of my friendships has been blossoming in beautiful ways and been forcing me to deal with those issues that have rattled me for so long. For once I feel comfortable with someone, for once I feel trusting of someone, for once I feel I can turn my back and not have to fear that she will talk about me, run away, or intentionally try to hurt me and that, for me, is something different, something that I am having a hard time dealing with just because it is the opposite of every friendship that I have had in my recent life...I've always had to be protective of myself and try to keep one step ahead of people, guessing what their intentions were before they could act on them, lest they hurt me. But I don't have to with her...and for some reason it bothers me, but in a good way if that makes any sense. It's really wierd and it leaves me feeling a bit odd and confused and hypersensitive as if I'm half-expecting something bad to happen but in my heart I know that it won't, because she cares about me and she wouldn't do anything that would intentionally hurt me. It's different, but in a good way. A very good way. Thank you, you know who you are. :)
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