I have been writing a lot of short stories lately about my love life and, well, lack thereof and I think I am brutally honest when I write them -- at least when I'm done and I read them I don't feel as though I've been dishonest with myself. The thing is, I honestly don't understand why I am so alone, and always have been more or less, in that department. I am a good guy. I don't understand.
It's not that I haven't met a ton of people, including available girls, in my life. It's not that I'm needy or impatient or creepy or anything like that. It's not even that I'm ugly -- I don't think so at least, though I know I'm not "hot" or whatever -- or talentless or unromantic or gentlemanly or the like. I mean, I don't have money or any of those vain things, but I'm not interested in girls who are and I have met plenty that aren't. I just don't get it.
But I read the stories that I write and I see one thing in common. They are all based on one "relationship" or another that I've had or tried to have and they all seem to involve the fact that, well, girls don't know what they want...or at least they don't know it when they got something good right in front of their faces. Or, maybe, that they don't care.
I mean, I'm a knight in shining armor, a prince, a gentleman and scholar, a cowboy in a lot of aspects, but I'm also a ghost. A shadow. Invisible. It's as if I'm seen as asexual or something. Like an angel in Dogma -- without gender. Perhaps I'm an ogre. The idea of Kyle as a boyfriend seems as appetizing to the woman's palate as a dog's tapeworm infested movement. I don't get it. Every time I try to show myself in that light I am shoved aside either completely or into the role of acquaintence or friend.
Don't others, females in particular, want someone that will be faithful, someone that will be true, someone that will be honest, sentimental, sensitive, compassionate, romantic, and the like? Don't others, like me, look for someone that they could love and be loved by through the good and bad, thick and thin, sickness and health -- someone that can laugh with them through the good times and carry them through the bad? Don't others look for someone that would be a good parent for their kids, a good son-in-law for their parents, a loving spouse for themselves? Doesn't anyone want someone that they can understand and someone that understands them? Don't women want a best friend in whom they can confide anything and everything and someone that is willing and able to confide his deepest secrets in them -- all the while each of us knowing that even our most embarrassing secrets will never push the other away? Don't others find comfort in knowing that there's someone there that would without hesitation die for them if need be? I mean, these are the things that I look for and the things that I have found in a few different girls in my life. I fear that I am lucky in having met a few -- as that would suggest that my luck will at some time run out.
But every time I have met a girl like that, she has kept me at arm's length or ran away completely. Every time I have met a girl with whom I could have all of the above questions answered in the affirmative, things have not happened. Not necessarily because I didn't try, not necessarily because she was already involved with someone else, but just because. I don't know why.
I fear that it's because I'm a dinosaur, not hip enough anymore to be accepted in this world. My ideals outdated, my points of interest buried too deeply to be seen through MTV-hypnotized eyes. I fear that I have killed my chances by having my own personality instead of stealing one from a rock star, movie stud, or artist. I fear that having "old-fashioned" feelings and being a good person has been steam-rolled by Cosmo and post-modern ideals of self-indulgence and instant gratification. I fear that no one believes that Love is something that can (or, for that matter, should) last forever anymore. I fear that people are infatuated with the idea that love is in the moment, not something eternal.
Though it all leaves me with plenty of fodder to write story after story after story about the subject and the joyous ability to go looney with the monotony of it all, I wouldn't think twice to give it all up to no longer be lonely.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
</sarcasm>
It's not that I haven't met a ton of people, including available girls, in my life. It's not that I'm needy or impatient or creepy or anything like that. It's not even that I'm ugly -- I don't think so at least, though I know I'm not "hot" or whatever -- or talentless or unromantic or gentlemanly or the like. I mean, I don't have money or any of those vain things, but I'm not interested in girls who are and I have met plenty that aren't. I just don't get it.
But I read the stories that I write and I see one thing in common. They are all based on one "relationship" or another that I've had or tried to have and they all seem to involve the fact that, well, girls don't know what they want...or at least they don't know it when they got something good right in front of their faces. Or, maybe, that they don't care.
I mean, I'm a knight in shining armor, a prince, a gentleman and scholar, a cowboy in a lot of aspects, but I'm also a ghost. A shadow. Invisible. It's as if I'm seen as asexual or something. Like an angel in Dogma -- without gender. Perhaps I'm an ogre. The idea of Kyle as a boyfriend seems as appetizing to the woman's palate as a dog's tapeworm infested movement. I don't get it. Every time I try to show myself in that light I am shoved aside either completely or into the role of acquaintence or friend.
Don't others, females in particular, want someone that will be faithful, someone that will be true, someone that will be honest, sentimental, sensitive, compassionate, romantic, and the like? Don't others, like me, look for someone that they could love and be loved by through the good and bad, thick and thin, sickness and health -- someone that can laugh with them through the good times and carry them through the bad? Don't others look for someone that would be a good parent for their kids, a good son-in-law for their parents, a loving spouse for themselves? Doesn't anyone want someone that they can understand and someone that understands them? Don't women want a best friend in whom they can confide anything and everything and someone that is willing and able to confide his deepest secrets in them -- all the while each of us knowing that even our most embarrassing secrets will never push the other away? Don't others find comfort in knowing that there's someone there that would without hesitation die for them if need be? I mean, these are the things that I look for and the things that I have found in a few different girls in my life. I fear that I am lucky in having met a few -- as that would suggest that my luck will at some time run out.
But every time I have met a girl like that, she has kept me at arm's length or ran away completely. Every time I have met a girl with whom I could have all of the above questions answered in the affirmative, things have not happened. Not necessarily because I didn't try, not necessarily because she was already involved with someone else, but just because. I don't know why.
I fear that it's because I'm a dinosaur, not hip enough anymore to be accepted in this world. My ideals outdated, my points of interest buried too deeply to be seen through MTV-hypnotized eyes. I fear that I have killed my chances by having my own personality instead of stealing one from a rock star, movie stud, or artist. I fear that having "old-fashioned" feelings and being a good person has been steam-rolled by Cosmo and post-modern ideals of self-indulgence and instant gratification. I fear that no one believes that Love is something that can (or, for that matter, should) last forever anymore. I fear that people are infatuated with the idea that love is in the moment, not something eternal.
Though it all leaves me with plenty of fodder to write story after story after story about the subject and the joyous ability to go looney with the monotony of it all, I wouldn't think twice to give it all up to no longer be lonely.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
</sarcasm>
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home