Frank honesty:
I don't have much to say...I really don't. Nothing new is under the Sun right now. But I feel like posting something so I guess I'm going to fall back on the self-introspection again for a moment. Bare with me.
For some reason, I was driving home from the bar and started to think about what I would change about myself if I could. Not so much the stuff about my life, but the stuff about my personality, the inner demons that I face being me and cause me to do things that result in my slapping myself on the forehead and screaming "D'oh!" to myself internally. I guess it's stupid to try and explain it, at least when it's one of those times that just spitting it out would prove itself much more useful. So here it goes, a list of things that bother me about my personality in no particular order:
1. My intensity -- I can not escape this feeling that I always have that I take things way too seriously way too often. I don't like feeling that way. I like levity. I like meaningless actions and purposeless conversation, but I can't seem to shake this feeling that everything I do has some sort of hidden sub-conscious agenda to it. I don't know, maybe everyone is that way or something, but I don't like it so much. And it's made worse, I think, by the fact that because I so often broadcast this intensity, people expect it of me and it somehow feeds it. Like I'd be letting them down somehow if I wasn't so damn intense all the time. And that's not even to mention the fact that intensity can be creepy, but if I'm interested in something I have a tendency to throw myself at that thing 100% and block out everything else in the world, even my own thoughts. People probably think I'm a raving psychopathor something. I don't know. It's wierd.
2. My guilt complex -- I have this constant nagging sense of not wanting to cause anyone any sort of trouble or something. It goes along with what I said about intensity and my thinking that other people expect it of me in that I don't want to throw curve balls for people because I don't want to confuse them. Or something. I have always been this way. I have a hard time asking for favors, even small ones, to the point where I think that even asking people to hang out with me (or, for that matter, to go out on a date with me) is infringing on their personal space or something and so I often feel real cruddy after having even talked to someone, wasting even the time of a short phone call. Again, wierd.
3. My shyness -- I don't know if it's necessarily the shyness that bothers me or the fact that it mixed with the guilt complex freezes me up sometimes. I get the two confused quite a bit. I feel trapped inside my mind sometimes because I don't want to say or do something and I don't know if it's because I'm too shy to do it, or if I feel like my saying or doing something is going to somehow bother or otherwise curtail someone else's life or something. For instance, many times throughout my life I have had a crush on someone -- no big whoop there -- but I rarely have been able to act on it because I never want to ruin someone's day by throwing it out there, or something like that. I don't know how to explain it, maybe a better example...let's say I want to say something to someone -- I might be well prepared to say it having practiced it in my head over and over and over again, but I start wondering if it's right to say it because I get this feeling like maybe my saying it will somehow change that person's night, week, or even life. And I don't know if it's because I'm scared or because I don't want to chance leaving a footprint on that person's mind or heart or whatever.
4. My over-analyzing of everything -- I think too much. I go way beyond looking before I leap and instead choose to go the frickin encyclopeadia in my mind and research the hell out of everything before I do or say anything. Hell, sometimes before I'm even willing to think something. Few words pass through my lips without me having thought about them intensely (the exceptions being when I'm drunk or having an episode of anxiety/depression), and so many things that I want to say get bottled up because of the fact that I begin to question why I want to say them, how I want to say them, when and where I want to say them and the fact that I've run through every conversation that I think I may have at any given stage of my day and life only makes it tougher because things never are the way that you might plan for them in your head. You know? I mean, right now I am scared to move forward with my life -- career-wise -- because I'm overly-concerned about making the wrong decision and shutting myself out of other possibilities, wasting precious years of my life chasing a dream that I might find to have been not so dreamy after I get there...of course in the process of analyzing things having wasted several precious years of my life doing so (if I'd gone to grad school after graduating, I could have had a PhD by now, or a masters and law degree, or a couple masters, or something). I don't know. I over analyze things to the point of making myself frigid.
5. My curiosity -- Don't get me wrong, curiosity is good, but an over-abundance of it can be crippling. I want to experience everything in life. I have taken detours through dark alleys along life's way just to see what would happen. It could kill me, it could land me in jail, it could ostracize me from society, or even just change me in a bad, bad way. I know this, but still I want to know everything even though in finding out more and more I find that there's just more and more to find out about. I have done a lot of crazy-ass shit in my life, and every time I do one thing, all it does is open up three or four more doors for me to peek into and it overwhelms me to the point where I can't help but tense up and stand there, afraid to move because I know that the next door that I open could be the door that does me some harm in some way. Aside from that, my curiosity can be annoying when I begin to try to figure out people and situations, and it can push people away. I can't be around someone who receives a phone call without asking who it was and what they wanted...I can't. And I know it's none of my business to ask and I know that whatever their answer might be it is not going to affect me (probably), but I just want to know. But people take it as prying or something and it bothers them (and I can understand why it might...even though it doesn't bother me at all -- it flatters me somehow) and makes them feel like I'm creepy or overly-nosey or somehow critical of them. Even though it's not.
6. My enigmaticism -- (yeah, I know I made the word up) I feel sometimes as though I do not present myself to the world as I am. The above stuff blinds me and makes me not so easily understood and the usual human tendency to categorize things leads to my being prematurely set into some sort of stereotype or whatever before people really get to know me. I try to be open, but things get in the way of that. Humiltity, shyness, guilt, and all of that push my self inward which causes people to have to dig in order to find "the real me". That's not fair to ask people to do that, I realize that, but I can't help it. And it's not that I have secrets to hide or am ashamed of who I am (even with this list, I can honestly say that I am proud of who I am and that I love myself), but that I make it difficult for people to read me or something. I don't know why...or rather I do which is why I am listing these things about myself. But I wish I didn't. I wish I could be more open, I wish people, in general, were more apt to work with people like me and have the patience to peel away the layers that it sometimes takes to get to my core. I wish instead of wearing my heart on my sleave and burying my mind deep, deep inside, I could keep them both inside the flap of my jacket in order to flash them to anyone that I care to.
But now I'm getting tired-poetic which generally sounds more cheesey rather than poetic, so I'll stop now. I just wanted to post this because I want to explain myself personally even though most, if not all, of these things are in those links I have posted in recent days about my personality type. And because it's all part of my personality, it's not as if I would really change these things if I could...they are what make me me and that's just the way things are. I don't think any of this stuff is bad or makes me a less-than-good person, or even a sick-in-the-head-person, but they are all just things that I wish more people in my circle of acquaintences were aware of, I'd probably have more friends if they did...and the fact that I'm starting to pass out this URL to people that I know can only help me in my quest. If they're interested enough to check out this blog, I owe them an explanation for the way that I act sometimes...because I think that just explaining some of these self-criticisms that I have of myself makes me a little more open and understandable or something...because that is really all I'm after in life right now, to be understood by people or at least to have people want to try and understand me. And, of course, love me. :)
So whadda y'all think? This blog needs a little more commenting and all...
I don't have much to say...I really don't. Nothing new is under the Sun right now. But I feel like posting something so I guess I'm going to fall back on the self-introspection again for a moment. Bare with me.
For some reason, I was driving home from the bar and started to think about what I would change about myself if I could. Not so much the stuff about my life, but the stuff about my personality, the inner demons that I face being me and cause me to do things that result in my slapping myself on the forehead and screaming "D'oh!" to myself internally. I guess it's stupid to try and explain it, at least when it's one of those times that just spitting it out would prove itself much more useful. So here it goes, a list of things that bother me about my personality in no particular order:
1. My intensity -- I can not escape this feeling that I always have that I take things way too seriously way too often. I don't like feeling that way. I like levity. I like meaningless actions and purposeless conversation, but I can't seem to shake this feeling that everything I do has some sort of hidden sub-conscious agenda to it. I don't know, maybe everyone is that way or something, but I don't like it so much. And it's made worse, I think, by the fact that because I so often broadcast this intensity, people expect it of me and it somehow feeds it. Like I'd be letting them down somehow if I wasn't so damn intense all the time. And that's not even to mention the fact that intensity can be creepy, but if I'm interested in something I have a tendency to throw myself at that thing 100% and block out everything else in the world, even my own thoughts. People probably think I'm a raving psychopathor something. I don't know. It's wierd.
2. My guilt complex -- I have this constant nagging sense of not wanting to cause anyone any sort of trouble or something. It goes along with what I said about intensity and my thinking that other people expect it of me in that I don't want to throw curve balls for people because I don't want to confuse them. Or something. I have always been this way. I have a hard time asking for favors, even small ones, to the point where I think that even asking people to hang out with me (or, for that matter, to go out on a date with me) is infringing on their personal space or something and so I often feel real cruddy after having even talked to someone, wasting even the time of a short phone call. Again, wierd.
3. My shyness -- I don't know if it's necessarily the shyness that bothers me or the fact that it mixed with the guilt complex freezes me up sometimes. I get the two confused quite a bit. I feel trapped inside my mind sometimes because I don't want to say or do something and I don't know if it's because I'm too shy to do it, or if I feel like my saying or doing something is going to somehow bother or otherwise curtail someone else's life or something. For instance, many times throughout my life I have had a crush on someone -- no big whoop there -- but I rarely have been able to act on it because I never want to ruin someone's day by throwing it out there, or something like that. I don't know how to explain it, maybe a better example...let's say I want to say something to someone -- I might be well prepared to say it having practiced it in my head over and over and over again, but I start wondering if it's right to say it because I get this feeling like maybe my saying it will somehow change that person's night, week, or even life. And I don't know if it's because I'm scared or because I don't want to chance leaving a footprint on that person's mind or heart or whatever.
4. My over-analyzing of everything -- I think too much. I go way beyond looking before I leap and instead choose to go the frickin encyclopeadia in my mind and research the hell out of everything before I do or say anything. Hell, sometimes before I'm even willing to think something. Few words pass through my lips without me having thought about them intensely (the exceptions being when I'm drunk or having an episode of anxiety/depression), and so many things that I want to say get bottled up because of the fact that I begin to question why I want to say them, how I want to say them, when and where I want to say them and the fact that I've run through every conversation that I think I may have at any given stage of my day and life only makes it tougher because things never are the way that you might plan for them in your head. You know? I mean, right now I am scared to move forward with my life -- career-wise -- because I'm overly-concerned about making the wrong decision and shutting myself out of other possibilities, wasting precious years of my life chasing a dream that I might find to have been not so dreamy after I get there...of course in the process of analyzing things having wasted several precious years of my life doing so (if I'd gone to grad school after graduating, I could have had a PhD by now, or a masters and law degree, or a couple masters, or something). I don't know. I over analyze things to the point of making myself frigid.
5. My curiosity -- Don't get me wrong, curiosity is good, but an over-abundance of it can be crippling. I want to experience everything in life. I have taken detours through dark alleys along life's way just to see what would happen. It could kill me, it could land me in jail, it could ostracize me from society, or even just change me in a bad, bad way. I know this, but still I want to know everything even though in finding out more and more I find that there's just more and more to find out about. I have done a lot of crazy-ass shit in my life, and every time I do one thing, all it does is open up three or four more doors for me to peek into and it overwhelms me to the point where I can't help but tense up and stand there, afraid to move because I know that the next door that I open could be the door that does me some harm in some way. Aside from that, my curiosity can be annoying when I begin to try to figure out people and situations, and it can push people away. I can't be around someone who receives a phone call without asking who it was and what they wanted...I can't. And I know it's none of my business to ask and I know that whatever their answer might be it is not going to affect me (probably), but I just want to know. But people take it as prying or something and it bothers them (and I can understand why it might...even though it doesn't bother me at all -- it flatters me somehow) and makes them feel like I'm creepy or overly-nosey or somehow critical of them. Even though it's not.
6. My enigmaticism -- (yeah, I know I made the word up) I feel sometimes as though I do not present myself to the world as I am. The above stuff blinds me and makes me not so easily understood and the usual human tendency to categorize things leads to my being prematurely set into some sort of stereotype or whatever before people really get to know me. I try to be open, but things get in the way of that. Humiltity, shyness, guilt, and all of that push my self inward which causes people to have to dig in order to find "the real me". That's not fair to ask people to do that, I realize that, but I can't help it. And it's not that I have secrets to hide or am ashamed of who I am (even with this list, I can honestly say that I am proud of who I am and that I love myself), but that I make it difficult for people to read me or something. I don't know why...or rather I do which is why I am listing these things about myself. But I wish I didn't. I wish I could be more open, I wish people, in general, were more apt to work with people like me and have the patience to peel away the layers that it sometimes takes to get to my core. I wish instead of wearing my heart on my sleave and burying my mind deep, deep inside, I could keep them both inside the flap of my jacket in order to flash them to anyone that I care to.
But now I'm getting tired-poetic which generally sounds more cheesey rather than poetic, so I'll stop now. I just wanted to post this because I want to explain myself personally even though most, if not all, of these things are in those links I have posted in recent days about my personality type. And because it's all part of my personality, it's not as if I would really change these things if I could...they are what make me me and that's just the way things are. I don't think any of this stuff is bad or makes me a less-than-good person, or even a sick-in-the-head-person, but they are all just things that I wish more people in my circle of acquaintences were aware of, I'd probably have more friends if they did...and the fact that I'm starting to pass out this URL to people that I know can only help me in my quest. If they're interested enough to check out this blog, I owe them an explanation for the way that I act sometimes...because I think that just explaining some of these self-criticisms that I have of myself makes me a little more open and understandable or something...because that is really all I'm after in life right now, to be understood by people or at least to have people want to try and understand me. And, of course, love me. :)
So whadda y'all think? This blog needs a little more commenting and all...
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