I almost deleted this blog just now...I circled the cursor over the button that would have done it for a little while. You would have gotten a good ol' message from blogger that said that this page doesn't exsist any longer. You wouldn't be reading this right now if I'd done that. Then I thought I was being foolish. I have too much emotional energy invested in this damn thing. It's the only thing I have that's there for me most of the time that I ask it to be.

But the fact remains that I have lost it pretty much completely. I am demoralized. I am outraged. I am sick and tired of the world and of myself.

I don't know why I say these things. It's not as if anyone can do anything. If they could, I don't know that anyone would. No one cares enough about me to give me those sorts of needs, that sort of attention. Because I think that's why I say half of what I say, because I need attention and no one gives me nearly enough. I am seriously alone (outside of work) all but five hours a week. The rest of the time is spent trying to entertain myself, but you run out of things after awhile. I've been out of thigns to do for months now. No one will bowl with me, no one will go to the theater with me, no one will go to hockey games, to the casino, to the arcade, to movies, to museums, to anything but the bar. AND I FUCKING HATE THE BAR. Fuck, masturbation has even lost its luster.

This blog is a cry for help. And I am sick of crying for help.

I am the fucking video game on your cell phone that you play when there's absolutely nothing else to do.