I am feeling a good amount of guilt right now for some of the things I've posted over this weekend and even further back. I feel as though I'm being overly selfish in my attitudes towards my friends. Everyone that I consider a friend is a damn good person. I am finicky about who I allow to get that close to me. If I consider someone a friend, it means that I think very highly of them. I hope that they all realize that.
Also, I know that the people that I consider friends are people that would help me out if I was in desperate need for help. They have shown this to me, some more than others, but they are willing to make small sacrifices in their lives for me. That is awesome.
But what I am starting to think I'm realizing is that one of the common threads between my friends (they tend to be here and there rather than all in one circle) is that all of them have a different perspective on what they need from friendships. That is, simply put, that I highly value a small handful of very close, intimate friendships whereas many of them are more interested in gaining as many friends as possible. While I am seeking out quality in friendships, they all seem to be seeking out quantity. This confuses me. On one hand, I do not understand why someone would have that need. It seems elementary to me that having a few people that honestly care about you and your well-being and would rather hang out with you than anyone else is so much more important than having gobs of people that fill up your life with their individual needs. In a sense, I think that the way that most people like to stop having kids after two or three is a good analogy of that...a smaller, tighter family being a lot more loving and less stressful. Not to say that in that setting there's a strain on how much love you can give, but it seems like it would be spread more thin in a large group. I don't know.
On another hand, I don't see how my friends don't see that they are missing out on a lot when they go out seeking more and more friends. I don't have a single friend that does not have some major misconception of me. Most of them think that I am a more depressed person than I am (probably because I only start hounding on people when I need people...and that's when I'm down...and they don't tend to call me when I don't call them first), and all of them seem to not see some of my major traits -- my stubbornness or my compassion or my idealism -- no one misses them all, but all seem to miss one or two. And I try to show them, I try to help them understand me, but it's hard when they are too busy running around and collecting numbers. You know?
Another thing that I don't understand about it is that I don't get why they don't seem to have these same needs as I. Am I that odd that I want to be understood rather than running around and attempting to find of get and know different people? I mean, am I the only person that shops only until he finds something nice and then is satisfied with exploring its every nob and dial and then stops shopping rather than going out, picking up some new toys, playing with them a bit and then going out shopping again? I seriously do not understand.
I mean, these are by no means criticisms. I firmly believe in the the tenet of to each his own. But I've come to see it as being a major thing in the minds of my friends and it is obviously something that confuses me to the point of frustration and more. I just don't get it. I long for a group of friends that are tight and happy like (God I hate referencing television shows like this...but they cross the wide boundaries of the internet the best) those on Friends or Seinfeld -- tight little groups where everyone knows each other intimately and is always willing to be there for you without having to put on hold twenty-six other obligations to thirty-two different people. To put it more grimly, when I come to die, I would much rather have a few people feel impacted by my passing and carry on my legacy for the rest of their lives than have enough people to fill up a cathedral but move on and more or less forget me soon after my body grows cold. And I don't understand why everyone doesn't feel the same way. Can anyone out there in cyberland explain it or pat me on the back and say "yeah, I wonder the same thing myself sometimes" or something?
Or, if I am one, could someone just tell me I'm a fucking freak for being this way? jk. ...sorry, a little self-referential humor there.
Also, I know that the people that I consider friends are people that would help me out if I was in desperate need for help. They have shown this to me, some more than others, but they are willing to make small sacrifices in their lives for me. That is awesome.
But what I am starting to think I'm realizing is that one of the common threads between my friends (they tend to be here and there rather than all in one circle) is that all of them have a different perspective on what they need from friendships. That is, simply put, that I highly value a small handful of very close, intimate friendships whereas many of them are more interested in gaining as many friends as possible. While I am seeking out quality in friendships, they all seem to be seeking out quantity. This confuses me. On one hand, I do not understand why someone would have that need. It seems elementary to me that having a few people that honestly care about you and your well-being and would rather hang out with you than anyone else is so much more important than having gobs of people that fill up your life with their individual needs. In a sense, I think that the way that most people like to stop having kids after two or three is a good analogy of that...a smaller, tighter family being a lot more loving and less stressful. Not to say that in that setting there's a strain on how much love you can give, but it seems like it would be spread more thin in a large group. I don't know.
On another hand, I don't see how my friends don't see that they are missing out on a lot when they go out seeking more and more friends. I don't have a single friend that does not have some major misconception of me. Most of them think that I am a more depressed person than I am (probably because I only start hounding on people when I need people...and that's when I'm down...and they don't tend to call me when I don't call them first), and all of them seem to not see some of my major traits -- my stubbornness or my compassion or my idealism -- no one misses them all, but all seem to miss one or two. And I try to show them, I try to help them understand me, but it's hard when they are too busy running around and collecting numbers. You know?
Another thing that I don't understand about it is that I don't get why they don't seem to have these same needs as I. Am I that odd that I want to be understood rather than running around and attempting to find of get and know different people? I mean, am I the only person that shops only until he finds something nice and then is satisfied with exploring its every nob and dial and then stops shopping rather than going out, picking up some new toys, playing with them a bit and then going out shopping again? I seriously do not understand.
I mean, these are by no means criticisms. I firmly believe in the the tenet of to each his own. But I've come to see it as being a major thing in the minds of my friends and it is obviously something that confuses me to the point of frustration and more. I just don't get it. I long for a group of friends that are tight and happy like (God I hate referencing television shows like this...but they cross the wide boundaries of the internet the best) those on Friends or Seinfeld -- tight little groups where everyone knows each other intimately and is always willing to be there for you without having to put on hold twenty-six other obligations to thirty-two different people. To put it more grimly, when I come to die, I would much rather have a few people feel impacted by my passing and carry on my legacy for the rest of their lives than have enough people to fill up a cathedral but move on and more or less forget me soon after my body grows cold. And I don't understand why everyone doesn't feel the same way. Can anyone out there in cyberland explain it or pat me on the back and say "yeah, I wonder the same thing myself sometimes" or something?
Or, if I am one, could someone just tell me I'm a fucking freak for being this way? jk. ...sorry, a little self-referential humor there.
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