I'm going to sue McDonalds and MTV...
I've been given the opportunity to talk about my girl problems with friends many, many times lately. Well, the opportunities aren't so much "given" as they are "taken" by me in between their rants about guys (the irony of them talking about boys being scum with me being completely missed by them). In any case, I've been noticing that there's a pattern in what is said.
I'll ask the simple question, in one way or another, that I have been asking in this blog over and over again for a long, long time...that is, why aren't girls at all interested in me? The pattern comes into play right away. If the girl is presently single or newly in a relationship to some degree, she will not answer really. However, a girl who's been in a relationship for a year or two or three or more will almost always answer with a rather shocked, "I really don't know" or "girls are stupid" or "I can't believe that you're single" or something along those lines. I'm starting to figure out why this is.
Girls that are single or in new relationships are generally looking for one of three things: flirty make-out sex games OR financial security OR both. Flirty make-out sex games are something that my shyness seems to suggest an unwillingness to partake in (considering that people never believe me when I tell them I'm shy as hell -- I AM DAMMIT -- they just assume that it's prudishness or whatever keeping me in line, I guess) and financial security is something I, frankly, don't have. And because I seemingly don't possess either of these things I am, in the short term at least, veiwed as a very unattractive man. In any case, if I read between the lines of anything that any single or newly involved girl says about their interests, it comes to these two things. They might call it "attraction" or "security" or "fun" or "cuteness" or whatever, but it is always the same...it is vanity.
And they go along with this for the first year or two or three of a relationship, thinking that because this guy or that or is willing to buy her nice things or is just so preciously cute or is excellent at stimulating her clitoris with his tongue or something, that it's love...or that things will always be that way and that love will eventually come of it. Nope. Attractiveness fades with age, money comes and goes, sexual drive wanes...these are simple matters of fact, undeniable and as certain as death and taxes. To trust that raw, sexual attraction will ever turn into love is like trusting a Budapest Taxi driver to not over-charge you. But they do it. And they do it until they get into it too deep...where they start to develop feelings for a guy -- admiration, pity, those sorts of things, but not love -- and decide that it must be love. Once the fun and excitement and machismo have left the relationship in a few years, all that's left is this girl with strong, more motherly than romantic, feelings for a guy who's just doesn't want to be alone.
And that's where my female friends that are in longer relationships come into play. They all can't believe that I'm single. One, last night (which is what set off this rant), told me very matter-of-factly: "If I wasn't dating so and so, I would be so all over you". Granted, she was just complaining about her relationship with so and so, talking about going to couple's counselling, and just all-around not sounding at all like she was in love with the guy (basically, everything was wrong), but the thought of leaving him was not even an option in her mind even though another girl, her best friend, was telling her that it was bullshit and that she should dump him. As she put it, there's too much invested there to just drop it...the little voice in my head saying "so you'd rather tie up the next ten, twenty, thirty years of your life than admit that the last three years have been racing down a dead-end street?". The voice stayed in my head.
But the thing is, her story is like so many stories. People hook up because they want a make-out partner or a romp in the sack and then expect it to go somewhere. And that expectation builds upon itself until it fabricates a lie that, once told to oneself over and over and over again, becomes a lie that one actually believes and that lie becomes one that one bases one's life on and one's life becomes a lie. And even though they have lied to themselves for so long and actually believe (?) that it's for real, it's as if they still see the truth...if only they're not admitting it...and realize that had they gone after someone who would be forever good to them instead of someone that would be for the first year or two good in bed, that their lives would be somehow better.
But that's just my theory. Logically, it pans out.
In any case, as it is, I only have one friend that is in a relationship that I envy. She's been dating the same guy for nine years and they are truly in love with one another. Theirs is not based on sex or money or any of that vain bullshit, but love. It's pretty fucking incredible. She eminates love, exudes it, whenever she talks about him. And the thing is, it is for real. They are both doing the twenty-something self-discovery thing and are doing it, sometimes, quite seperately (which is why they're not married). At one point, he was in school in Nebraska while she was teaching English in France. Thousands of miles and months apart they stuck together, and when she thought that maybe it wasn't right a year or so ago and broke up...it only lasted a month, her paranoia that it wasn't right having proved unfounded.
That what I want, that's what I think most of us want...and I seem to be the only person that's doing something about that desire. Are people deluding themselves? Are people cracked out? Have they just given up? Or are they out of patience, having been giving their McDonald lunches in a minute flat and had their attention spans zapped by MTV?
I've been given the opportunity to talk about my girl problems with friends many, many times lately. Well, the opportunities aren't so much "given" as they are "taken" by me in between their rants about guys (the irony of them talking about boys being scum with me being completely missed by them). In any case, I've been noticing that there's a pattern in what is said.
I'll ask the simple question, in one way or another, that I have been asking in this blog over and over again for a long, long time...that is, why aren't girls at all interested in me? The pattern comes into play right away. If the girl is presently single or newly in a relationship to some degree, she will not answer really. However, a girl who's been in a relationship for a year or two or three or more will almost always answer with a rather shocked, "I really don't know" or "girls are stupid" or "I can't believe that you're single" or something along those lines. I'm starting to figure out why this is.
Girls that are single or in new relationships are generally looking for one of three things: flirty make-out sex games OR financial security OR both. Flirty make-out sex games are something that my shyness seems to suggest an unwillingness to partake in (considering that people never believe me when I tell them I'm shy as hell -- I AM DAMMIT -- they just assume that it's prudishness or whatever keeping me in line, I guess) and financial security is something I, frankly, don't have. And because I seemingly don't possess either of these things I am, in the short term at least, veiwed as a very unattractive man. In any case, if I read between the lines of anything that any single or newly involved girl says about their interests, it comes to these two things. They might call it "attraction" or "security" or "fun" or "cuteness" or whatever, but it is always the same...it is vanity.
And they go along with this for the first year or two or three of a relationship, thinking that because this guy or that or is willing to buy her nice things or is just so preciously cute or is excellent at stimulating her clitoris with his tongue or something, that it's love...or that things will always be that way and that love will eventually come of it. Nope. Attractiveness fades with age, money comes and goes, sexual drive wanes...these are simple matters of fact, undeniable and as certain as death and taxes. To trust that raw, sexual attraction will ever turn into love is like trusting a Budapest Taxi driver to not over-charge you. But they do it. And they do it until they get into it too deep...where they start to develop feelings for a guy -- admiration, pity, those sorts of things, but not love -- and decide that it must be love. Once the fun and excitement and machismo have left the relationship in a few years, all that's left is this girl with strong, more motherly than romantic, feelings for a guy who's just doesn't want to be alone.
And that's where my female friends that are in longer relationships come into play. They all can't believe that I'm single. One, last night (which is what set off this rant), told me very matter-of-factly: "If I wasn't dating so and so, I would be so all over you". Granted, she was just complaining about her relationship with so and so, talking about going to couple's counselling, and just all-around not sounding at all like she was in love with the guy (basically, everything was wrong), but the thought of leaving him was not even an option in her mind even though another girl, her best friend, was telling her that it was bullshit and that she should dump him. As she put it, there's too much invested there to just drop it...the little voice in my head saying "so you'd rather tie up the next ten, twenty, thirty years of your life than admit that the last three years have been racing down a dead-end street?". The voice stayed in my head.
But the thing is, her story is like so many stories. People hook up because they want a make-out partner or a romp in the sack and then expect it to go somewhere. And that expectation builds upon itself until it fabricates a lie that, once told to oneself over and over and over again, becomes a lie that one actually believes and that lie becomes one that one bases one's life on and one's life becomes a lie. And even though they have lied to themselves for so long and actually believe (?) that it's for real, it's as if they still see the truth...if only they're not admitting it...and realize that had they gone after someone who would be forever good to them instead of someone that would be for the first year or two good in bed, that their lives would be somehow better.
But that's just my theory. Logically, it pans out.
In any case, as it is, I only have one friend that is in a relationship that I envy. She's been dating the same guy for nine years and they are truly in love with one another. Theirs is not based on sex or money or any of that vain bullshit, but love. It's pretty fucking incredible. She eminates love, exudes it, whenever she talks about him. And the thing is, it is for real. They are both doing the twenty-something self-discovery thing and are doing it, sometimes, quite seperately (which is why they're not married). At one point, he was in school in Nebraska while she was teaching English in France. Thousands of miles and months apart they stuck together, and when she thought that maybe it wasn't right a year or so ago and broke up...it only lasted a month, her paranoia that it wasn't right having proved unfounded.
That what I want, that's what I think most of us want...and I seem to be the only person that's doing something about that desire. Are people deluding themselves? Are people cracked out? Have they just given up? Or are they out of patience, having been giving their McDonald lunches in a minute flat and had their attention spans zapped by MTV?
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