Lyrics near and dear to my heart right now (and my voicemail message):
The thing is, it's true to my life (even if the rest of the song isn't really) because nobody ever fucking calls on the weekend...unless they have nothing, absolutley nothing, better to do. And it makes me feel like shit. Fucking worthless shit. I can't stand it. I work long days during the week (often from eight in the morning to eight or nine at night) and I am usually incredibly tired, so I would love to sit around and relax for an hour or two before going to bed on those nights and save my weekends for having fun, letting loose, and hanging out...but it's not an option.
Last night I went to the fucking grocery store at midnight because I had nothing better to do. I BOUGHT FUCKING GROCERIES on a FUCKING FRIDAY NIGHT. Meanwhile, there were two or three parties going on and a band performing that includes a couple of friends and not once did anyone call to say, "Hey, there's something going on at...". No. Not once. It makes me feel like a fucking leper, as if people are scared of catching something from me, or worse, having to see my ugly face. Needless to say, it makes me feel worthless. It really does. Frankly, it makes me feel like I want to die. I mean, seriously, I ain't got much going on in my life outside of friends...but this sort of weekend abandonment that happens every fucking week makes me question if I even have that going for me.
The fact that I don't really want to go out so much during the week and the fact that I am completely shunned on weekends means that I have to choose between hanging out with my friends when I don't want to or not hanging out with friends ever. That's a shitty decision because it means that I have to choose between having friends and not having anybody...and I need people around me, you know? So I'm forced into this vicious cycle of fourteen, fifteen, sixteen hour exhausting days for a week followed by forty-eight hours of feeling desperately alone, on the verge of suicidal. It sucks. That's no way to live. Not at all. And any time that I say something to my friends, they just brush it off...I don't think they even have any idea what they are doing to me. I mean, they care about me, I honestly believe that, but they just don't have any fucking clue that this is fucking killing me inside...and it makes me wonder sometimes if they actually do care about me at all. I don't know.
I am venting, and I'm probably exagerating to some extent, but I am still hurting a lot inside right now. I try to be a good friend, I try my damndest by going out of my way to always be there for my friends, helping them out when they need help and the like, and I sometimes feel like they don't see that or something...and then they don't reciprocate. It's not that they're obligated to do so, but isn't that what friendship is about to some extent? I don't know. I don't fucking know. I'm questioning my concept of inter-personal relationships right now I guess.
I just want to go bowling or or make dinner and sit around and talk or play board games or get high and watch movies or take a day trip or sing karaoke or freak out the squares or whatever -- but you gotta do that with someone, not alone, and my only options for social interaction seem to be weeknight trips to the bar. The only option. And I hate having my life dictated by circumstances that I have no control over. I don't know...
So you'd better hold on
Cos it's Saturday night
And your friends are all out
And you feel like shit
Cos they never call you
No they never call you
No they never call, never call, never bloody ever ...
from blue flashing light by Travis
The thing is, it's true to my life (even if the rest of the song isn't really) because nobody ever fucking calls on the weekend...unless they have nothing, absolutley nothing, better to do. And it makes me feel like shit. Fucking worthless shit. I can't stand it. I work long days during the week (often from eight in the morning to eight or nine at night) and I am usually incredibly tired, so I would love to sit around and relax for an hour or two before going to bed on those nights and save my weekends for having fun, letting loose, and hanging out...but it's not an option.
Last night I went to the fucking grocery store at midnight because I had nothing better to do. I BOUGHT FUCKING GROCERIES on a FUCKING FRIDAY NIGHT. Meanwhile, there were two or three parties going on and a band performing that includes a couple of friends and not once did anyone call to say, "Hey, there's something going on at...". No. Not once. It makes me feel like a fucking leper, as if people are scared of catching something from me, or worse, having to see my ugly face. Needless to say, it makes me feel worthless. It really does. Frankly, it makes me feel like I want to die. I mean, seriously, I ain't got much going on in my life outside of friends...but this sort of weekend abandonment that happens every fucking week makes me question if I even have that going for me.
The fact that I don't really want to go out so much during the week and the fact that I am completely shunned on weekends means that I have to choose between hanging out with my friends when I don't want to or not hanging out with friends ever. That's a shitty decision because it means that I have to choose between having friends and not having anybody...and I need people around me, you know? So I'm forced into this vicious cycle of fourteen, fifteen, sixteen hour exhausting days for a week followed by forty-eight hours of feeling desperately alone, on the verge of suicidal. It sucks. That's no way to live. Not at all. And any time that I say something to my friends, they just brush it off...I don't think they even have any idea what they are doing to me. I mean, they care about me, I honestly believe that, but they just don't have any fucking clue that this is fucking killing me inside...and it makes me wonder sometimes if they actually do care about me at all. I don't know.
I am venting, and I'm probably exagerating to some extent, but I am still hurting a lot inside right now. I try to be a good friend, I try my damndest by going out of my way to always be there for my friends, helping them out when they need help and the like, and I sometimes feel like they don't see that or something...and then they don't reciprocate. It's not that they're obligated to do so, but isn't that what friendship is about to some extent? I don't know. I don't fucking know. I'm questioning my concept of inter-personal relationships right now I guess.
I just want to go bowling or or make dinner and sit around and talk or play board games or get high and watch movies or take a day trip or sing karaoke or freak out the squares or whatever -- but you gotta do that with someone, not alone, and my only options for social interaction seem to be weeknight trips to the bar. The only option. And I hate having my life dictated by circumstances that I have no control over. I don't know...
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