So much has happened to me in the last couple days that every time I try to post something, things get too scattered for my own good...since many of those things that have happened involve my relationship with other people, I'm gonna try and bunch them all together...or something like that.
Anyway, today I find out that this cute girl I know was very interested in me for a couple weeks a couple of weeks ago. Of course, like most girls, she couldn't express that interest without wrapping it up in enigmaticism. Okay, maybe it's not so much her fault, but my total lack of ability at catching those sorts of vibes having been teased far too many times in the past by girls that never had any interest has left me with a very damaged sexual radar. Anyway, now it's a couple weeks later and nothing has changed really. We chit chat a bit, we smile when we pass each other wherever we meet, and blah blah blah...but she's not interested anymore. This is one of the things about girls that really confuses me...the way that their desires can change so rapidly for no apparent reason. I mean, the only perspective I have is as a guy and I know that if I had a crush or felt something for a girl and, for whatever reason, things didn't happen right away but in that nothing happening nothing bad happened (finding out she had issues or any sort of turn-off), that crush or interest would be there those couple weeks later...hell, even months later. The feeligns just sort of go into a dormant state to be awoken when the girl's mood swings back to her being interested too. A friend of mine (female) put it sort of sweetly: guys (or at least good guys) are like dogs in that they're loyal to the end and always maintain a sort of "whatever happens, happens" attitude when it comes to relationships while girls are like cats with their finicky day to day changes in ideas as to what they want...never really saying what it is that they want, but being judgemental as hell when they don't get what they expect. Hell, my cat meows constantly and I can't figure out what he wants most of the time, I guess that explains my luck with women. But then, I guess, it's that mystery that keeps me interested in girls after all these years of them not being interested in me.
Of course, then, last night is St. Patrick's day and me not being a single ounce Irish I go to the bar and get completely lit...to the point where I, Kyle, vow off seriousness in its entirety. For one night, I don't think about the consequences of my actions, for one night I don't allow myself to analyze things, for one night I drop all inhibitions and become not-quite-a-nice-guy...and I get action. Not a lot of action, actually, no personal contact sort of action whatsoever, but girls talking dirty to me and showing me their boobies. Pardon my freedom, but what the fuck is up with that? Geez, for years I have been a nice guy and girls have shown little to no interest in me (that I have been aware of at least...again, my naivety may have damned me more than once) when it was wanted (i.e. outside of the months immediately proceeding the death of my mother), but I drop that for a night, bite my tongue when my conscience says "don't do it, don't do it kyle" and one pulls her top up for a free t-shirt and others make sexual advances. Again, what the fuck is up with that? I mean, I was not comfortable having bottled up my conscience so tightly all night (or rather, not hearing it whispering in my ear at least), but last night taught me that that's almost what I have to do in order to have girls show interest in me. For the third time: what the fuck is up with that? I'm sure there's a happy intermediary somewhere there where I can be a nice guy and a total sleazebag asshole at the same time -- or at least a little of both -- but it's a balancing act. Acting like a creep is not exactly my thing, per se, but I guess I gotta start doing it. I don't necessarily feel good about acting as if I am obejectifying women, but if that's what gets their attention, I guess I gotta start doing it...or am I wrong? I don't know. Girls are confusing, but I already said that in the above paragraph. Then again, the attention I was getting was coming from girls that I wouldn't want anything to do with in terms of relationships...my not being too interested in the all or nothings, but the mix of naughty and nice...so maybe its just those girls that want that...in any case, some attention is better than no attention, even if you're not interested.
But, of course, it all brings me back to a simple thing: I'm a nice guy which means that I come off as a goody-two-shoes even though I'm not. Granted, I don't want a slutty girl, but I don't want a goody-two-shoes either. You know? I'm looking for someone compassionate and honest and nice, but I also want someone that's not at all those things, at least some of the time. I want to watch the sun set from the beach, I want to talk through the night, I want to smile every time I see her eyes...but I also want to have at least a little dirty fun -- strip teases, sex games and the like. But when I don't ever let myself misbehave, it comes off as my not being open to those sorts of things, it comes off as my laces being tied way too tight...and who wants that, really, but the goody-two-shoes that I'm not at all interested in for the very same reasons that I am now suggesting that girls maybe aren't all that interested in me. Aha! so, I guess, last night was a good eye-opener (I've been having so many of those lately, I think I'm turning into a new person or something). Oh well.
Even if the lessons I think I've learned turn out to be all wrong, at least I saw boobies for the first time in...in....damn, I ran out of fingers. c'est la vie
Anyway, today I find out that this cute girl I know was very interested in me for a couple weeks a couple of weeks ago. Of course, like most girls, she couldn't express that interest without wrapping it up in enigmaticism. Okay, maybe it's not so much her fault, but my total lack of ability at catching those sorts of vibes having been teased far too many times in the past by girls that never had any interest has left me with a very damaged sexual radar. Anyway, now it's a couple weeks later and nothing has changed really. We chit chat a bit, we smile when we pass each other wherever we meet, and blah blah blah...but she's not interested anymore. This is one of the things about girls that really confuses me...the way that their desires can change so rapidly for no apparent reason. I mean, the only perspective I have is as a guy and I know that if I had a crush or felt something for a girl and, for whatever reason, things didn't happen right away but in that nothing happening nothing bad happened (finding out she had issues or any sort of turn-off), that crush or interest would be there those couple weeks later...hell, even months later. The feeligns just sort of go into a dormant state to be awoken when the girl's mood swings back to her being interested too. A friend of mine (female) put it sort of sweetly: guys (or at least good guys) are like dogs in that they're loyal to the end and always maintain a sort of "whatever happens, happens" attitude when it comes to relationships while girls are like cats with their finicky day to day changes in ideas as to what they want...never really saying what it is that they want, but being judgemental as hell when they don't get what they expect. Hell, my cat meows constantly and I can't figure out what he wants most of the time, I guess that explains my luck with women. But then, I guess, it's that mystery that keeps me interested in girls after all these years of them not being interested in me.
Of course, then, last night is St. Patrick's day and me not being a single ounce Irish I go to the bar and get completely lit...to the point where I, Kyle, vow off seriousness in its entirety. For one night, I don't think about the consequences of my actions, for one night I don't allow myself to analyze things, for one night I drop all inhibitions and become not-quite-a-nice-guy...and I get action. Not a lot of action, actually, no personal contact sort of action whatsoever, but girls talking dirty to me and showing me their boobies. Pardon my freedom, but what the fuck is up with that? Geez, for years I have been a nice guy and girls have shown little to no interest in me (that I have been aware of at least...again, my naivety may have damned me more than once) when it was wanted (i.e. outside of the months immediately proceeding the death of my mother), but I drop that for a night, bite my tongue when my conscience says "don't do it, don't do it kyle" and one pulls her top up for a free t-shirt and others make sexual advances. Again, what the fuck is up with that? I mean, I was not comfortable having bottled up my conscience so tightly all night (or rather, not hearing it whispering in my ear at least), but last night taught me that that's almost what I have to do in order to have girls show interest in me. For the third time: what the fuck is up with that? I'm sure there's a happy intermediary somewhere there where I can be a nice guy and a total sleazebag asshole at the same time -- or at least a little of both -- but it's a balancing act. Acting like a creep is not exactly my thing, per se, but I guess I gotta start doing it. I don't necessarily feel good about acting as if I am obejectifying women, but if that's what gets their attention, I guess I gotta start doing it...or am I wrong? I don't know. Girls are confusing, but I already said that in the above paragraph. Then again, the attention I was getting was coming from girls that I wouldn't want anything to do with in terms of relationships...my not being too interested in the all or nothings, but the mix of naughty and nice...so maybe its just those girls that want that...in any case, some attention is better than no attention, even if you're not interested.
But, of course, it all brings me back to a simple thing: I'm a nice guy which means that I come off as a goody-two-shoes even though I'm not. Granted, I don't want a slutty girl, but I don't want a goody-two-shoes either. You know? I'm looking for someone compassionate and honest and nice, but I also want someone that's not at all those things, at least some of the time. I want to watch the sun set from the beach, I want to talk through the night, I want to smile every time I see her eyes...but I also want to have at least a little dirty fun -- strip teases, sex games and the like. But when I don't ever let myself misbehave, it comes off as my not being open to those sorts of things, it comes off as my laces being tied way too tight...and who wants that, really, but the goody-two-shoes that I'm not at all interested in for the very same reasons that I am now suggesting that girls maybe aren't all that interested in me. Aha! so, I guess, last night was a good eye-opener (I've been having so many of those lately, I think I'm turning into a new person or something). Oh well.
Even if the lessons I think I've learned turn out to be all wrong, at least I saw boobies for the first time in...in....damn, I ran out of fingers. c'est la vie
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