There is something that I have begun to come to terms with in the last couple of days: I am a banana split in a world full of the lactose intolerant. I mean, banana splits are good, and there's nothing wrong with being lactose intolerant, but someone like me cannot be himself and expect to be tops on everyone's list. All that I can really do is hope that someone will work around the ice cream to nibble at my banana and suck on my nuts (sorry, I couldn't resist).
But to be serious, there are things about me that make me intolerable to other people. Plain and simple. We all have those sorts of things though...at least everyone that I have ever met, including everyone that I hold dear to me, has had such issues. But what seperates them from me is their ability to either hide it or somehow make that intolerability somehow less intrusive by having it come off as something entirely different, something at least stomachable if not "cute". Or maybe they don't even do that, but rather possess traits that somehow make the intolerability forgiveable. My problem is that I wear my heart on my sleave...no, I wear my heart at the end of ten foot pole that I swing about wherever I go...and I do not hide my intolerabilities. I have this crazed desire -- no, need -- to always be faithful, always be honest, always be for real. And given who I am as a human being -- that is, an over-compassionate sycophant to my heart that also happens to possess enough conscience and intelligence to be able to see the hurt and confusion of others and the mistakes that they're making as well as brainstorm my life away as to why they're acting in the way that they are -- it comes off as a bit much sometimes.
And there's nothing wrong with being that way, the world needs more people like me, but it is wrong of me to expect others to see that and accept that. I am different, and in being so I shouldn't really demand that people "get me". If they do, awesome; if they don't, it's their tough luck -- either way I'm going to care about them.
In any case, I'm dealing with this issue quite a bit from the dual angle of friendship issues and girl problems, and I'm starting to see the light...the way I see it, I have two options: Either just accept that this is the way things are, or change myself. And I'm leaning towards the angle of changing myself (because I'm doing such a shitty job of accepting it)...at least to the extent of shoving my heart under my lapel. Certainly, it would mean that I'd be being less than perfectly honest with people (which will lead to some uncomfortability for me), but I am at this point the most honest person that I know...it'd be alright for me to hand off that title to someone else, at least for awhile. Other people, good people, get through life just fine hiding their secrets and telling white lies, why can't I? At the very least, it would make me a little more approachable and maybe even get me laid. ;)
So right now I'm trying my best to take the ice cream off that sundae...a big job of fruit, syrup, nuts, and whip cream I shall become.
The first sign of this is in a short story that I was writing earlier this week...it, like everything that I write, is based on my life experiences and observations and the outcomes of them. It's why nothing that I write, unless I end it short and without any real ending, has a happy ending. In any case, I have been struggling with how to end this of strange meetings...not knowing if it should end in abandonment like all my stories do because it's all I know or somehow different. But with all this thinking I've been doing, I've decided that there's a good chance that things might end happily...but it's not finished yet. I'll post the rough draft for interested folks to read when I do finish it. [edit -- I finished it, here's the link]
But to be serious, there are things about me that make me intolerable to other people. Plain and simple. We all have those sorts of things though...at least everyone that I have ever met, including everyone that I hold dear to me, has had such issues. But what seperates them from me is their ability to either hide it or somehow make that intolerability somehow less intrusive by having it come off as something entirely different, something at least stomachable if not "cute". Or maybe they don't even do that, but rather possess traits that somehow make the intolerability forgiveable. My problem is that I wear my heart on my sleave...no, I wear my heart at the end of ten foot pole that I swing about wherever I go...and I do not hide my intolerabilities. I have this crazed desire -- no, need -- to always be faithful, always be honest, always be for real. And given who I am as a human being -- that is, an over-compassionate sycophant to my heart that also happens to possess enough conscience and intelligence to be able to see the hurt and confusion of others and the mistakes that they're making as well as brainstorm my life away as to why they're acting in the way that they are -- it comes off as a bit much sometimes.
And there's nothing wrong with being that way, the world needs more people like me, but it is wrong of me to expect others to see that and accept that. I am different, and in being so I shouldn't really demand that people "get me". If they do, awesome; if they don't, it's their tough luck -- either way I'm going to care about them.
In any case, I'm dealing with this issue quite a bit from the dual angle of friendship issues and girl problems, and I'm starting to see the light...the way I see it, I have two options: Either just accept that this is the way things are, or change myself. And I'm leaning towards the angle of changing myself (because I'm doing such a shitty job of accepting it)...at least to the extent of shoving my heart under my lapel. Certainly, it would mean that I'd be being less than perfectly honest with people (which will lead to some uncomfortability for me), but I am at this point the most honest person that I know...it'd be alright for me to hand off that title to someone else, at least for awhile. Other people, good people, get through life just fine hiding their secrets and telling white lies, why can't I? At the very least, it would make me a little more approachable and maybe even get me laid. ;)
So right now I'm trying my best to take the ice cream off that sundae...a big job of fruit, syrup, nuts, and whip cream I shall become.
The first sign of this is in a short story that I was writing earlier this week...it, like everything that I write, is based on my life experiences and observations and the outcomes of them. It's why nothing that I write, unless I end it short and without any real ending, has a happy ending. In any case, I have been struggling with how to end this of strange meetings...not knowing if it should end in abandonment like all my stories do because it's all I know or somehow different. But with all this thinking I've been doing, I've decided that there's a good chance that things might end happily...but it's not finished yet. I'll post the rough draft for interested folks to read when I do finish it. [edit -- I finished it, here's the link]
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