This is probably ridiculous, and might even make me sound like I'm thirteen to anyone that might be checking this blog out for the first time...but it seems at least a little bit significant for me:
I called a friend tonight who was busy, just to talk and see what was going on, and she had to go, telling me she'd call me back. She didn't. Normally -- or at least what would have to be considered "normal" for the past few months ("few" being a miserable, what, six months now?...shit) that I've been in this sick-of-being-lonely glut -- I would take this personally, but I am not allowing myself to. Yeah, sure, I wish she would have called, but I'm accepting that there is a reason she didn't besides the fact that she's pissed off or hates me or whatever. Kinda pathetic that I'd feel any pride for not being paranoid, I know, but it's a baby step in the right direction. After all, it's exactly the thing that got me down on Friday.
Anyway, phone calls. I spent some time tonight thinking about it. All my life I have always felt guilty calling people up on any sort of regular basis. I mean, some friends I call up once a day and after a week or so I start feeling like an obnoxious jerk or something. It dawned on me that that isn't really all that bad, really. One of my roommate's friends calls him at least once every day, and there have been others that have done the same (though they have somewhat drifted apart). I know I wouldn't be upset if I had a friend that called every day either...so I don't know what my deal is. There's nothing wrong with that, is there? People aren't going to get sick of me because I call more days than not to see how their day went and what's going on that night, are they? I know, I know, these are all things that I should have figured out when I was a Freshman in high school, but the fact of the matter is I didn't. And I've always been a lone wolf, always had very few friends, and I just never really learned that sort of ettiquette (put me at a dinner table or in a high-social event and I'll show you perfect manners...it's the day to day shit that I'm a complete ignoramous about). Anyway...I sometimes wonder if this fear of over-bearing has much to do with the fact that I have always had female friends that are my hanging out sorts of friends (with most of my close male friends being scattered about the country...which sorta kinda makes hanging out difficult) and I'm fearful of them thinking that I'm just being their friend to wear them down so that they'll jump in the sack with me or something (which has never been the case -- not that I haven't had friends that I would date if given the chance -- but some friends have thought that that was my ploy and run away...the pain of which is part of the reason I'm such a retard when it comes to girls).
Anyway, I'm too chatty, which means I should probably go to bed now. At least I get to look forward to sleeping in on Thursday though. The thought of a full night's sleep is giving me a raging boner.
I called a friend tonight who was busy, just to talk and see what was going on, and she had to go, telling me she'd call me back. She didn't. Normally -- or at least what would have to be considered "normal" for the past few months ("few" being a miserable, what, six months now?...shit) that I've been in this sick-of-being-lonely glut -- I would take this personally, but I am not allowing myself to. Yeah, sure, I wish she would have called, but I'm accepting that there is a reason she didn't besides the fact that she's pissed off or hates me or whatever. Kinda pathetic that I'd feel any pride for not being paranoid, I know, but it's a baby step in the right direction. After all, it's exactly the thing that got me down on Friday.
Anyway, phone calls. I spent some time tonight thinking about it. All my life I have always felt guilty calling people up on any sort of regular basis. I mean, some friends I call up once a day and after a week or so I start feeling like an obnoxious jerk or something. It dawned on me that that isn't really all that bad, really. One of my roommate's friends calls him at least once every day, and there have been others that have done the same (though they have somewhat drifted apart). I know I wouldn't be upset if I had a friend that called every day either...so I don't know what my deal is. There's nothing wrong with that, is there? People aren't going to get sick of me because I call more days than not to see how their day went and what's going on that night, are they? I know, I know, these are all things that I should have figured out when I was a Freshman in high school, but the fact of the matter is I didn't. And I've always been a lone wolf, always had very few friends, and I just never really learned that sort of ettiquette (put me at a dinner table or in a high-social event and I'll show you perfect manners...it's the day to day shit that I'm a complete ignoramous about). Anyway...I sometimes wonder if this fear of over-bearing has much to do with the fact that I have always had female friends that are my hanging out sorts of friends (with most of my close male friends being scattered about the country...which sorta kinda makes hanging out difficult) and I'm fearful of them thinking that I'm just being their friend to wear them down so that they'll jump in the sack with me or something (which has never been the case -- not that I haven't had friends that I would date if given the chance -- but some friends have thought that that was my ploy and run away...the pain of which is part of the reason I'm such a retard when it comes to girls).
Anyway, I'm too chatty, which means I should probably go to bed now. At least I get to look forward to sleeping in on Thursday though. The thought of a full night's sleep is giving me a raging boner.
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