It has been almost two weeks now since I last felt depressed. I was beginning to worry that maybe this whole thing with my friend was going to put me back over the edge, but it hasn't. And it won't. Thank God. I know this because tonight I went and visited the friend that I've been referencing in the last few days and talked with her. When a person's depressed, they don't do that. Not me at least. Depression kicks my ass to the curb and I don't want to do anything. I sit, I mope, I bitch about life, and am otherwise completely apathetic. That was not the case here. Not at all. I thought and thought and thought about it, all the while wanting to do something to take care of things, find answers, do whatever it took. And I did and now my hands have stopped shaking and I think I might even be able to sleep tonight.
But my depression came up during the little talk and so I want to address it. I think it's good for people to hear because so many of us, most of us, will experience it at some time in our life. For me, it was my second major episode (if I can lump it all together into one), the first being after my Mom died, and I hope that it's my last. Right now, I can say that it'll be awhile with my new attitude about things.
I think what I have been going through these last few months was a sort of quarter-life crisis (to throw a little pop-psychology out there) -- I was dealing (but not dealing very well) with a lot of questions about my existence. I believe this post from the beginning of it all says it all. Life becomes unbareable when you don't know where it's headed, when you're dreams for careers and love seem to be constantly set further and further back by events and things that are completely out of your control.
I was sick of working a menial job when I knew I could be doing more...not wanting to wait anymore for the inevitable steps (grad school and the like) that I would have to take to in order to do something more meaningful and useful than delivering pizza. I wanted to be doing something about it now and there wasn't anything I could do about it. When I took the LSAT and failed it (more or less), it sent me even further back. My life looked bleak, it didn't seem like I was ever going to acheive any sort of sucess in being an asset to society in some meaningful way. I just didn't have the patience to see that it, like all good things, would take time. And, of course, the fact that I was broke (and still am...but not if people click the paypal button to the left...wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and doing shit work was not helping out either.
I was also feeling very lonely and very cynical about love. I don't have very many friends at any given time. I don't really care to. I like having a few really good friends that I can keep very close to. That's always been the case and it's really not that terribly unusual for introvertive people (which I am the king of) to be like that. It's just that I wasn't seeing enough of them. At the time that my depression hit, I was moving and none of them were willing to help me move. When I did move, no one wanted to come and see my new place. This made me feel abandoned to some extent I think. And it kept happening, especially once the crisis really took hold and I became a real son of a bitch to be around. Of course, as time progressed and I stayed cranky, a few of those people stuck around and continued to be cool with me. That was awesome when it was the case, but the feeling of abandonment was so strong that when they weren't there I was expecting it to be the first case in a long series of cases stretching off into infinity when they'd never be there again. I got paranoid.
But also in there were a couple of my friends getting themselves into a lot of shit in their love lives. I had one friend falling for a married man, another friend insanely chasing some guy down who wasn't reacting, and my roommate who was in love with a girl that wasn't interested and not willing to be straight-forward. Being surrounded by this made an already lonely soul even more lonely in that I saw that nothing seems to work out right for anyone. Being a 25 year old guy who'd never been in a relationship lasting more than three dates (or, qualitatively, ten days of a whole hell of a lot of closeness), this was not a good thing to see. Hope for ever finding the love that, as a human being for God's sake, I crave and yearn for waned. It threw me deeper into depression.
Then I just wished for my mother because she had always been the person that I could come to about anything and be more or less comfortable. She wasn't there, I was without a saftey net and my fear of heights kicked in. There's nothing at all that can be done about that, but the fact that all of this stuff was going on all at once...it didn't help.
So anyway, my world collapsed around August or so last year...and it's taken me this long to rebuild it. Oh well, at least I did...and in the process I learned a lot about myself and those people that I hold dear to my heart. Numero Uno, I have one friendship that actually built up during the whole thing...that's fucking awesome and now that I'm over the paranoia of abandonment I know that I have one of those amazing friendships that'll last a lifetime no matter what happens. I'm so grateful for her. I hope she knows that. Now she does for sure ;)
But that leaves the worst part of depression...the aftermath.
People come to expect certain things of you once you act out in a certain way for so long. That's perfectly natural...especially when it's all that people know of you (the above mentioned friend is in that group, our friendship really kicking into gear a month or so before I feel into this hole -- of course, that makes the fact that she still likes me doubly fucking awesome). But once the fog lifts, it's really difficult to deal with peoples' expectations in that department. I joke about the way I've been (quirk of mine...it helps me deal and I use it as a way of saying "yeah, I know I've been being a dick) and people just don't really seem to know whether to take it seriously or not. Furthermore, some people think that I have a serious problem with depression and/or a negative outlook on life. I mean, it's like I've been an entirely different person for months and now I am reborn and people don't know how to take it. Friends that knew me well enough before my depression hit are back to being cool with me, but those that weren't around long enough beforehand seem very, very confused....seemingly saying "oh boy, here he goes again..." whenever I get down. I mean, life has its downs...I am fully capable of dealing with those downs (like I have for the past few days....even with minimal complaining aside from asking advice and commentary from anyone that'd listen) without jumping into depression. It's understandable that people that don't know me in normal mode well enough to know better would think that...but it's not the case. I want to say "hey, I'm cool, don't worry about me freaking out about every little thing, about me jumping back into depression" but I know that it won't do any good (I still try to though...hehe) -- some things only come in time and through experience. I'm really quite an awesome person, even more awesome than when I'm depressed, there are some people out there who are in for some big, pleasant surprises.
In any case, I've rambled on long enough. I will go now.
But my depression came up during the little talk and so I want to address it. I think it's good for people to hear because so many of us, most of us, will experience it at some time in our life. For me, it was my second major episode (if I can lump it all together into one), the first being after my Mom died, and I hope that it's my last. Right now, I can say that it'll be awhile with my new attitude about things.
I think what I have been going through these last few months was a sort of quarter-life crisis (to throw a little pop-psychology out there) -- I was dealing (but not dealing very well) with a lot of questions about my existence. I believe this post from the beginning of it all says it all. Life becomes unbareable when you don't know where it's headed, when you're dreams for careers and love seem to be constantly set further and further back by events and things that are completely out of your control.
I was sick of working a menial job when I knew I could be doing more...not wanting to wait anymore for the inevitable steps (grad school and the like) that I would have to take to in order to do something more meaningful and useful than delivering pizza. I wanted to be doing something about it now and there wasn't anything I could do about it. When I took the LSAT and failed it (more or less), it sent me even further back. My life looked bleak, it didn't seem like I was ever going to acheive any sort of sucess in being an asset to society in some meaningful way. I just didn't have the patience to see that it, like all good things, would take time. And, of course, the fact that I was broke (and still am...but not if people click the paypal button to the left...wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and doing shit work was not helping out either.
I was also feeling very lonely and very cynical about love. I don't have very many friends at any given time. I don't really care to. I like having a few really good friends that I can keep very close to. That's always been the case and it's really not that terribly unusual for introvertive people (which I am the king of) to be like that. It's just that I wasn't seeing enough of them. At the time that my depression hit, I was moving and none of them were willing to help me move. When I did move, no one wanted to come and see my new place. This made me feel abandoned to some extent I think. And it kept happening, especially once the crisis really took hold and I became a real son of a bitch to be around. Of course, as time progressed and I stayed cranky, a few of those people stuck around and continued to be cool with me. That was awesome when it was the case, but the feeling of abandonment was so strong that when they weren't there I was expecting it to be the first case in a long series of cases stretching off into infinity when they'd never be there again. I got paranoid.
But also in there were a couple of my friends getting themselves into a lot of shit in their love lives. I had one friend falling for a married man, another friend insanely chasing some guy down who wasn't reacting, and my roommate who was in love with a girl that wasn't interested and not willing to be straight-forward. Being surrounded by this made an already lonely soul even more lonely in that I saw that nothing seems to work out right for anyone. Being a 25 year old guy who'd never been in a relationship lasting more than three dates (or, qualitatively, ten days of a whole hell of a lot of closeness), this was not a good thing to see. Hope for ever finding the love that, as a human being for God's sake, I crave and yearn for waned. It threw me deeper into depression.
Then I just wished for my mother because she had always been the person that I could come to about anything and be more or less comfortable. She wasn't there, I was without a saftey net and my fear of heights kicked in. There's nothing at all that can be done about that, but the fact that all of this stuff was going on all at once...it didn't help.
So anyway, my world collapsed around August or so last year...and it's taken me this long to rebuild it. Oh well, at least I did...and in the process I learned a lot about myself and those people that I hold dear to my heart. Numero Uno, I have one friendship that actually built up during the whole thing...that's fucking awesome and now that I'm over the paranoia of abandonment I know that I have one of those amazing friendships that'll last a lifetime no matter what happens. I'm so grateful for her. I hope she knows that. Now she does for sure ;)
But that leaves the worst part of depression...the aftermath.
People come to expect certain things of you once you act out in a certain way for so long. That's perfectly natural...especially when it's all that people know of you (the above mentioned friend is in that group, our friendship really kicking into gear a month or so before I feel into this hole -- of course, that makes the fact that she still likes me doubly fucking awesome). But once the fog lifts, it's really difficult to deal with peoples' expectations in that department. I joke about the way I've been (quirk of mine...it helps me deal and I use it as a way of saying "yeah, I know I've been being a dick) and people just don't really seem to know whether to take it seriously or not. Furthermore, some people think that I have a serious problem with depression and/or a negative outlook on life. I mean, it's like I've been an entirely different person for months and now I am reborn and people don't know how to take it. Friends that knew me well enough before my depression hit are back to being cool with me, but those that weren't around long enough beforehand seem very, very confused....seemingly saying "oh boy, here he goes again..." whenever I get down. I mean, life has its downs...I am fully capable of dealing with those downs (like I have for the past few days....even with minimal complaining aside from asking advice and commentary from anyone that'd listen) without jumping into depression. It's understandable that people that don't know me in normal mode well enough to know better would think that...but it's not the case. I want to say "hey, I'm cool, don't worry about me freaking out about every little thing, about me jumping back into depression" but I know that it won't do any good (I still try to though...hehe) -- some things only come in time and through experience. I'm really quite an awesome person, even more awesome than when I'm depressed, there are some people out there who are in for some big, pleasant surprises.
In any case, I've rambled on long enough. I will go now.
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