Wow. I didn't show my last post to my friend this weekend, but I did find the courage to talk about it and it feels as though a huge burdan has been taken off my heart. It is weird, very weird, when everything that your opposite sex best friend says about her new beau can be said about you. I've never been in this position before, not quite, but I've seen movies and television shows (the episode of Friends where Rachel starts dating "Russ" who is played by David Schwimmer and is remarkably like Ross), read books, and had friends in not-quite-the-same-but-close positions before. We talked about him, his views on relationships, and how she's grown in tems of relationships (gorwn remarkably, I even told her I was proud of her...not a word that I throw around often at all...in fact, I can't remember the last time I've used it, it's such a strong word to me) but, of course, it only made me more confused in that everything she said I could identify with even moreso than before. Oh well.

As I said at the end of the previous post, or at least tried to say, it is not as if I am trying to force something to happen, nor even wanting something to happen in any sort of active sense of the word (passively, if something came of it, of course, it would be nice)...but everything that I mentioned just leaves me as confused as I've ever been about girls in my life. I mean, I am more than man enough to accept it if she were to say that there's nothing there nor ever will be (though I can't help but feel that some sort of explanation would be necessary...for my own well being), but when all the pieces are there, as far as I know, and nothing happens...it leaves me in a troubled spot. In any case, I will always be her friend nonetheless.

I know she's going to read this, so I want to make sure that she needn't worry about that last bit (I don't think there's anything in any of this that I haven't mentioned at some point, in some way, and therefore am not dropping any bombshells or anything...though it may all very well be more eloquantly stated in written word than my fumbly spoken English...if there is some sort of bombshell, I am sorry). But I think it's important that she realize that I am in this spot. It's really, really weird to me. Very uncomfortable. At least right now.

But can I just say that it's fucking awesome to have a friend with which I feel comfortable enough to talk about this so openly with and not fear desertion and abandonment as a consequence? It is. I've never had a friend with whom I've felt this close and this comfortable before.