the fruits of shutting up and thinking
Over the last two or three weeks or so I have been in one of my more introspective moods. Most of my time has been spent at home, not doing much of anything which lends itself to lots and lots of thinking. I have been going out though -- not very often, but some -- and even then I find myself sitting back a ways, listening more than speaking, and paying close attention to the experience rather than experience the attention. It has lead me to some self-discoveries, and I thought I'd share:
1. When I am with one person, I talk. When I am with more than one person, I dive into the shadows. It's weird but what I'll say to one person face to face is so much more than what I'll say to two people face to face to face. What's weirder is that this isn't just stuff that I'd say to person A and not person B (and C and D and whoever else might be there)...but anything, even those things which I want badly to tell person A and B. But especially those things that I want to tell one person and I care not whether anyone else hears it. I don't know why this is exactly. Perhaps it's the audience thing -- when talking to more than one person, I feel like I'm performing in some regard, that I have an audience, and I find that unnerving. Perhaps it's that I know I'm moderately ADD or whatever and that if both responded, I'd get lost. Or maybe it's that I'm not as self-confident as I think I am and I fear being seen as being lame or whatever by a majority of the group. I don't know, I really don't. huh. In any case, I do know that I feel infinitely more comfortable one on one than in a group...which itself is not a sign of any defect or anything, and may very well just be the cause of my problem...shyness, timidity, and all around introvertedness.
2. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I have more female friends than male. A lot more. I only really have a couple close male friends, and they don't even live round here so much (and as any guy knows, close male friends that live cross country can have their friendships go in and out of dormancy with no problem...these friendships pretty much being there). In any case. it's been on my nerves a little bit...but it occurred to me why this might be: Guys, typically (and I mean these as broad-based stereotypes, there are obviously exceptions to these "rules"...that's why there's a comment box and a forum people), have inflated egos...they think they're better than they really are and they think they're better than everyone else, and they have a need to ruffle their feathers a lot just to show it. I mean, I say "ruffle their feathers" and it's true in a lot of cases, as that tends to be the norm in most of the animal kingdom...birds too. Anyway, guys tend to err on the side of being over-confident and inflated egos while girls tend to err on the other side --- often times being too hard on themselves. While most guys can rebound from their failures and pretend like they never occurred, while they can deny to themselves their faults and see only their strengths when they look into a mirror, wheras they can pretend that everyone else sees them for how they see themselves, girls are often times the opposite. They tend to be drawn more to their own flaws and tend to think that others see them for their flaws. When they look into a mirror, they don't see those things that make them beautiful, admirable, wonderful, they only see those things that, taken alone without balance, might make them wretched.
Sound like anyone whose blog you're reading right now? :P
It's not that thats an outright good thing, being impossibly hard on yourself, but I think of it as being less of an evil than the opposite. It at least shows honesty and a desire to improve. It takes a big person to see what's wrong with oneself and if a person can keep that in moderation, it's the best a person really can be...and girls are closer to that than guys. And I'd like to think that I am too.
When it comes to friendships (and anything more for that matter) then, I see all of these things as silver lining on clouds. When a girl confesses to me that she's done something wrong or evil or there's something not perfect about her I see it not for the imperfection, but for the honesty and inner-beauty it takes for her to admit that she's not perfect and even moreso for her desire to change and be better. I see negatives as positives with girls as much as I see positives as negatives as guys.
...though that may not be cohesive or anything (had a phone call in the middle of that), I think it gets to my point.
1. When I am with one person, I talk. When I am with more than one person, I dive into the shadows. It's weird but what I'll say to one person face to face is so much more than what I'll say to two people face to face to face. What's weirder is that this isn't just stuff that I'd say to person A and not person B (and C and D and whoever else might be there)...but anything, even those things which I want badly to tell person A and B. But especially those things that I want to tell one person and I care not whether anyone else hears it. I don't know why this is exactly. Perhaps it's the audience thing -- when talking to more than one person, I feel like I'm performing in some regard, that I have an audience, and I find that unnerving. Perhaps it's that I know I'm moderately ADD or whatever and that if both responded, I'd get lost. Or maybe it's that I'm not as self-confident as I think I am and I fear being seen as being lame or whatever by a majority of the group. I don't know, I really don't. huh. In any case, I do know that I feel infinitely more comfortable one on one than in a group...which itself is not a sign of any defect or anything, and may very well just be the cause of my problem...shyness, timidity, and all around introvertedness.
2. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I have more female friends than male. A lot more. I only really have a couple close male friends, and they don't even live round here so much (and as any guy knows, close male friends that live cross country can have their friendships go in and out of dormancy with no problem...these friendships pretty much being there). In any case. it's been on my nerves a little bit...but it occurred to me why this might be: Guys, typically (and I mean these as broad-based stereotypes, there are obviously exceptions to these "rules"...that's why there's a comment box and a forum people), have inflated egos...they think they're better than they really are and they think they're better than everyone else, and they have a need to ruffle their feathers a lot just to show it. I mean, I say "ruffle their feathers" and it's true in a lot of cases, as that tends to be the norm in most of the animal kingdom...birds too. Anyway, guys tend to err on the side of being over-confident and inflated egos while girls tend to err on the other side --- often times being too hard on themselves. While most guys can rebound from their failures and pretend like they never occurred, while they can deny to themselves their faults and see only their strengths when they look into a mirror, wheras they can pretend that everyone else sees them for how they see themselves, girls are often times the opposite. They tend to be drawn more to their own flaws and tend to think that others see them for their flaws. When they look into a mirror, they don't see those things that make them beautiful, admirable, wonderful, they only see those things that, taken alone without balance, might make them wretched.
Sound like anyone whose blog you're reading right now? :P
It's not that thats an outright good thing, being impossibly hard on yourself, but I think of it as being less of an evil than the opposite. It at least shows honesty and a desire to improve. It takes a big person to see what's wrong with oneself and if a person can keep that in moderation, it's the best a person really can be...and girls are closer to that than guys. And I'd like to think that I am too.
When it comes to friendships (and anything more for that matter) then, I see all of these things as silver lining on clouds. When a girl confesses to me that she's done something wrong or evil or there's something not perfect about her I see it not for the imperfection, but for the honesty and inner-beauty it takes for her to admit that she's not perfect and even moreso for her desire to change and be better. I see negatives as positives with girls as much as I see positives as negatives as guys.
...though that may not be cohesive or anything (had a phone call in the middle of that), I think it gets to my point.
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