money for nothing and your chicks for free
I had to stay in tonight. Well, I could have gone out, I guess, had someone called and asked if I wanted to do anything...but, since that rarely ever happens it's pretty much an issue of my having to stay in tonight. Last night I went out and drank for pretty much nine hours straight to celebrate the birthday of a friend. First it was an overpriced dinner ($35 for just my meal -- that's more than a week's groceries for me...or the overall cost of my birthday meal for six of us on my last birthday -- you know, pizza) then it was over to her place to drink more...and more...and more. You know, I'm not into that anymore. It wasn't that much fun being drunk and it wasn't so much fun the way that the chicks were kissing each other and flashing their breasts either. I used to enjoy that stuff...I used to go out and look for rowdiness like that on the weekends.
...but not so much anymore. *sigh*
It just seemed sort of sad and pathetic in a way, like a waste of my bloody time. I don't know. Not that I regret anything that I did or, as is more the case, didn't do but just that this is what we were doing in the name of "fun". It was lame. Really lame. Sad thing is, this is what the people I surround myself with (when they actually let me) do for fun and I've...I don't want to say "outgrown" it, but I've just gotten tired of it I guess. Years of the same old shit...getting me nowhere but bad feelings and stupid mistakes...nothing good really gained from it. Nothing positive at all. At least I can't think of anything good that's come out of it for me or anyone I know...I don't know.
I think it used to be that I felt it was a release but I just don't feel it anymore. I'd feel more released with a good talk with a friend or a good snuggle with some girl I'm in love with. I'd feel more released if I was in the darkroom again developing photos (...if I ever got my camera back -- you know who you are :) or even participating in something political that wasn't all overthetop childish (as I think most liberal activism tends to be...with the outfits and the shouting and whining and blah blah blah). I want to do something and that's like the exact opposite of what goes on. And it feels empty...I don't feel anymore full than I did before last night, no more full than I would had I done nothing, and that I think is the greatest test of the worthiness of ones actions.
Okay, now I'm just rambling and preaching and crap.
...but not so much anymore. *sigh*
It just seemed sort of sad and pathetic in a way, like a waste of my bloody time. I don't know. Not that I regret anything that I did or, as is more the case, didn't do but just that this is what we were doing in the name of "fun". It was lame. Really lame. Sad thing is, this is what the people I surround myself with (when they actually let me) do for fun and I've...I don't want to say "outgrown" it, but I've just gotten tired of it I guess. Years of the same old shit...getting me nowhere but bad feelings and stupid mistakes...nothing good really gained from it. Nothing positive at all. At least I can't think of anything good that's come out of it for me or anyone I know...I don't know.
I think it used to be that I felt it was a release but I just don't feel it anymore. I'd feel more released with a good talk with a friend or a good snuggle with some girl I'm in love with. I'd feel more released if I was in the darkroom again developing photos (...if I ever got my camera back -- you know who you are :) or even participating in something political that wasn't all overthetop childish (as I think most liberal activism tends to be...with the outfits and the shouting and whining and blah blah blah). I want to do something and that's like the exact opposite of what goes on. And it feels empty...I don't feel anymore full than I did before last night, no more full than I would had I done nothing, and that I think is the greatest test of the worthiness of ones actions.
Okay, now I'm just rambling and preaching and crap.
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