saturday night

I feel esecially lonely tonight. Though I have come to just expect to sit at home alone on Saturday nights (and Friday nights too for that matter) there has just been something about tonight that makes it just sadder than most. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just that I have this feeling that lately I've been pissing off everyone that I talk to with my ineptitude to say the right thing. Everytime I say something I second guess what I just said, praying that it came out the way I intended it to...that alone causes some problems in that people notice that I'm doing it. But it's better than saying the wrong thing unintentionally. In any case, people tend to be treating me as if I've irritated them somehow, like they just want to keep me at arm's length for awhile. I hope it's just the winter blahs.

I've also been thinking about my romantic loneliness. How I've not been appreciated in a romantic way by anyone, at least to my knowledge, for at least a couple years now. I try to talk about it with my friends and they just brush it off to the side, "you said there was that girl and that other one..." Yeah...but. And I can't say anything about it because I'm sure it wouldn't come out right anyway... I've had crushes, I've had a few...but not with anyone who would even dare to return the affection.

Yeah, I'm a monster.