a busy day
I have spent most of today online, or at least working on things that will eventually go online and for whatever reason, doing so has allowed me a lot of time to think and reflect. I don't know.
I've noticed myself being a wee bit overconfident lately. That in itself isn't such a bad thing, but in my case it generally leads to me not appreciating what I have. I become too easily complacent, too accustoed to the good stuff and instead of just sitting back and being happy with what I do have...I complain that I'm not getting more. It's the part of me that's so apt to addiction leering it's ugly head.
The fact of the matter is, things are going well... I have a job now that pays as me more every two weeks than I've become accustomed to living off of every month for the past half year. I have my health aside for this indigestion thing that runs in my family cropping up suddenly in the past few weeks. I have friends that are like family to me and family that loves me dearly. I have a plan for my future in terms of schooling and a job and everything there is keeping itself on track. I mean, I should be happy. But I complain.
It's those things that I don't have and I so desperately want...to be free of debt, the success in my endeavors that I've expected for myself since I was a child, and a girl that loves me and wants to be with me the rest of her life. But even those things have their prospects right now, for the most part. I know those things take time...but I mock them all because they're not already right here in front of me. I don't know why.
I get too easily frustrated with the wait and I don't understand that because I am generally a very patient and calm person. Maybe it's because those thigns are out of my control. Maybe it's because there's enough doubt that I can't have total faith in them. Maybe I mock them because I want to leave a bit of breathing room in case I fail.
Maybe it's not overconfidence at all, but insecurity.
That's it though, I don't want to be insecure anymore. I have slain so many of my demons over the past year and a half but that one still stands up and fights me. Like Hercules' Hydra I keep chopping off heads only to find others pop up to come back for me to destroy. *sigh*
But I allow this battle to interfere with everything else, to get in the way of seeing the beauty of life and the happiness that I should be enjoying. I let it lead me to dismissal of possibilities. No more.
I know I've gone into this so many times so many times before, but this time I am actually trying to be honest with myself rather than seeking out pity of those of you out there in the world that read this blog. I think that's in large part why I do all this whining...to have people say "it's alright" as if that'll erase the insecurities. Well, not this time. This is my statement that I am no longer in denial, that I am openly in a life or death struggle with my own insecurities and I ask for no pity, sympathy, or reassurance from anyone. I don't need it, I don't want it anymore. I want to be free of this and I want to be able to appreciate what I do have and allow my yearnings for the future remain nothing more than yearnings...not obsessions.
I've noticed myself being a wee bit overconfident lately. That in itself isn't such a bad thing, but in my case it generally leads to me not appreciating what I have. I become too easily complacent, too accustoed to the good stuff and instead of just sitting back and being happy with what I do have...I complain that I'm not getting more. It's the part of me that's so apt to addiction leering it's ugly head.
The fact of the matter is, things are going well... I have a job now that pays as me more every two weeks than I've become accustomed to living off of every month for the past half year. I have my health aside for this indigestion thing that runs in my family cropping up suddenly in the past few weeks. I have friends that are like family to me and family that loves me dearly. I have a plan for my future in terms of schooling and a job and everything there is keeping itself on track. I mean, I should be happy. But I complain.
It's those things that I don't have and I so desperately want...to be free of debt, the success in my endeavors that I've expected for myself since I was a child, and a girl that loves me and wants to be with me the rest of her life. But even those things have their prospects right now, for the most part. I know those things take time...but I mock them all because they're not already right here in front of me. I don't know why.
I get too easily frustrated with the wait and I don't understand that because I am generally a very patient and calm person. Maybe it's because those thigns are out of my control. Maybe it's because there's enough doubt that I can't have total faith in them. Maybe I mock them because I want to leave a bit of breathing room in case I fail.
Maybe it's not overconfidence at all, but insecurity.
That's it though, I don't want to be insecure anymore. I have slain so many of my demons over the past year and a half but that one still stands up and fights me. Like Hercules' Hydra I keep chopping off heads only to find others pop up to come back for me to destroy. *sigh*
But I allow this battle to interfere with everything else, to get in the way of seeing the beauty of life and the happiness that I should be enjoying. I let it lead me to dismissal of possibilities. No more.
I know I've gone into this so many times so many times before, but this time I am actually trying to be honest with myself rather than seeking out pity of those of you out there in the world that read this blog. I think that's in large part why I do all this whining...to have people say "it's alright" as if that'll erase the insecurities. Well, not this time. This is my statement that I am no longer in denial, that I am openly in a life or death struggle with my own insecurities and I ask for no pity, sympathy, or reassurance from anyone. I don't need it, I don't want it anymore. I want to be free of this and I want to be able to appreciate what I do have and allow my yearnings for the future remain nothing more than yearnings...not obsessions.
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