fuck
Generally speaking, I am really down lately. I'm not working for a month or so and so all this work that I've done to get myself caught up and even ahead a little bit is gone to waste. It feels good that I had gotten myself ahead enough that I can almost afford this month off, but that's pretty moot at this point.
I have been hyper-emotional lately too. I've been set off, good and bad, by the most ridiculous, mundane things. I'll see a cute little kid and I'll get misty-eyed for reasons that I'm not even sure of...maybe my wanting to be a father, maybe the innocence in a world I keep seeing as more and more deranged. I'll see some stupid old lady wearing a stupid shirt with kittens on it or something and start being sad that she's going to die someday.
I'm also missing my mom a bunch too.
I'm also desperately lonely. More lonely than I think I have ever been before in my life. It's not the kind of loneliness that is easily masked by hanging out with friends, but a deeper, rubbing against the soul sort of loneliness. I guess in a lot of ways I feel like although I'm here, I'm not here all the same. I feel as though I could exist or not exist and the world would be the exact same either way. I was going through the archives here and found this post from September of 2002 with which to compare how I feel, but it's not quite the same as that. That was about wanting to hook up, about envy, jealousy, and a whole bunch of stupid bullshit negative emotions...this is much, much more.
Because this loneliness isn't so much about just getting some girl or whatever, it's about respect and meaning and purpose and a whole bunch of other things that comprise, more or less, the meaning of our lives as human beings, none of which I feel I have. Certainly I do think that my life makes other people's lives better and easier, but it's not because they respect me...but rather that they take what I so selflessly give and run with it. I say "selfless" but it's not. I give and I give, not minding the taking, but when the taking comes without a thank you or any sort of appreciation, even nominally so, it becomes so...because I've come to expect it. It is the way that people have always treated me. It is selfless only in that I know the outcome, the intentions are not.
It becomes so that all my human interactions seem completely one-sided. Like I am a ghost with the power of interacting with the world but can't be seen by those living in it. My way above average abilities at work don't get me a raise or a promotion, my niceness to girls doesn't get me their love or adoration, my commitment and honesty doesn't garner me (any more than a very small number of) friendships. Heck, I put that parenthetical phrase in that last bit only because I'm super-scared of hurting anyone's feelings...I don't think I have a single friendship where I don't sometimes/often feel like I am used and taken for granted in. *sigh* But see, dedication and niceness prevents me from making absolutes like that. I am so desperately along that I bend over backwards to be even nicer to people for some reason thinking that will get me further...but it only takes me further back.
I know what it is I have to change about myself but it's just not right. What good is it to have friends and love if you've had to change who you are in the process? I like who I am, even if no one else does, so why would I want to destroy that just so other people will like me? Why must I choose between liking myself and being liked?
Ugh. But that's what it's coming to I fear. I am so lonely that I have actually thought about changing myself...it's to the point where I would almost rather hate myself to feel loved because loving myself and feeling hated has become drab and boring and so. damn. lonely. I hate that.
But I know it would work. Last night, at a party, I shed the suit of shining armor and changed into a wife-beater. I let my hands move about into reach-arounds and gropes, I made sexual comments, I did many of the more tamer sorts of things that creeps, pervs, and preps make their daily arsenol of shit...and I actually had responses. The cowboy went away for the night, was replaced by Ted Bundy and the girls dug it. What the Fuck?
...then again, maybe the world isn't even worthy of me, my kindness, or any of it.
Of course, that only begs the comment that my loneliness stems from even deeper roots of feeling different from the rest of humanity...like a freak or whatever...but me being 27 which puts me at the tail end of generation X, that sort of thing's been played out by too many often enough by now. In this case, however, I do believe that I'm different than everyone else...if only in the fact that I won't become that which I'm not in the attempt to appease others...principles is one thing that I got that waaaaaaaay too many other people don't.
I have been hyper-emotional lately too. I've been set off, good and bad, by the most ridiculous, mundane things. I'll see a cute little kid and I'll get misty-eyed for reasons that I'm not even sure of...maybe my wanting to be a father, maybe the innocence in a world I keep seeing as more and more deranged. I'll see some stupid old lady wearing a stupid shirt with kittens on it or something and start being sad that she's going to die someday.
I'm also missing my mom a bunch too.
I'm also desperately lonely. More lonely than I think I have ever been before in my life. It's not the kind of loneliness that is easily masked by hanging out with friends, but a deeper, rubbing against the soul sort of loneliness. I guess in a lot of ways I feel like although I'm here, I'm not here all the same. I feel as though I could exist or not exist and the world would be the exact same either way. I was going through the archives here and found this post from September of 2002 with which to compare how I feel, but it's not quite the same as that. That was about wanting to hook up, about envy, jealousy, and a whole bunch of stupid bullshit negative emotions...this is much, much more.
Because this loneliness isn't so much about just getting some girl or whatever, it's about respect and meaning and purpose and a whole bunch of other things that comprise, more or less, the meaning of our lives as human beings, none of which I feel I have. Certainly I do think that my life makes other people's lives better and easier, but it's not because they respect me...but rather that they take what I so selflessly give and run with it. I say "selfless" but it's not. I give and I give, not minding the taking, but when the taking comes without a thank you or any sort of appreciation, even nominally so, it becomes so...because I've come to expect it. It is the way that people have always treated me. It is selfless only in that I know the outcome, the intentions are not.
It becomes so that all my human interactions seem completely one-sided. Like I am a ghost with the power of interacting with the world but can't be seen by those living in it. My way above average abilities at work don't get me a raise or a promotion, my niceness to girls doesn't get me their love or adoration, my commitment and honesty doesn't garner me (any more than a very small number of) friendships. Heck, I put that parenthetical phrase in that last bit only because I'm super-scared of hurting anyone's feelings...I don't think I have a single friendship where I don't sometimes/often feel like I am used and taken for granted in. *sigh* But see, dedication and niceness prevents me from making absolutes like that. I am so desperately along that I bend over backwards to be even nicer to people for some reason thinking that will get me further...but it only takes me further back.
I know what it is I have to change about myself but it's just not right. What good is it to have friends and love if you've had to change who you are in the process? I like who I am, even if no one else does, so why would I want to destroy that just so other people will like me? Why must I choose between liking myself and being liked?
Ugh. But that's what it's coming to I fear. I am so lonely that I have actually thought about changing myself...it's to the point where I would almost rather hate myself to feel loved because loving myself and feeling hated has become drab and boring and so. damn. lonely. I hate that.
But I know it would work. Last night, at a party, I shed the suit of shining armor and changed into a wife-beater. I let my hands move about into reach-arounds and gropes, I made sexual comments, I did many of the more tamer sorts of things that creeps, pervs, and preps make their daily arsenol of shit...and I actually had responses. The cowboy went away for the night, was replaced by Ted Bundy and the girls dug it. What the Fuck?
...then again, maybe the world isn't even worthy of me, my kindness, or any of it.
Of course, that only begs the comment that my loneliness stems from even deeper roots of feeling different from the rest of humanity...like a freak or whatever...but me being 27 which puts me at the tail end of generation X, that sort of thing's been played out by too many often enough by now. In this case, however, I do believe that I'm different than everyone else...if only in the fact that I won't become that which I'm not in the attempt to appease others...principles is one thing that I got that waaaaaaaay too many other people don't.
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