too much time to think

I read test answers all day, but I have the mental capacity to think about other things while I do and today I thought about a conversation I had last night about, you guessed it, me and girls...

I guess I told someone that I am only into aggressive girls; you know, the types that make the first move and drive the relationship and all that. Actually, there's no guessing about it, I did. But I did after just having gotten fed up with not being able to figure out what was going on with yet another girl in my life and so I was sort of talking out of my ass. That's what I was thinking about today.

Thinking about it because I was trying to get at why I say things like that and I came to the realization that it's just one of the excuses in a long line of excuses that I make for myself being so lonely. There's always some excuse that I have...whether it's the vanity of girls or the aloofness of girls or the mystery of girls or whatever...it's always girls and my loneliness has to do with something wrong with them.

I admitted to myself today that the problem is with me.

That's a big step for me. Due to a lot of factors (teenage religious and social zealotry and family crises being the biggies), I didn't really hit my sexual adolesence until I was in my twenties...while everyone else had being goofing around for years, I was just getting into the game. Because of that, I'm at more of a loss than most guys when it comes to girls. I honestly don't know what's appropriate, what's expected, what the limits are, and all of that...I'm pretty helpless.

I mean, I hate to admit this because I find some shame in it (and a total lack of machoness...my balls are sucked up inside me right now), but I just don't have any idea what I'm doing. None. For years though I blamed this on girls and whoever else I could (my parents for getting divorced too I guess) as if it was somehow their fault...I think I was expecting some girl to just make me some sort of charity case and tell me all the secrets...the fact that none did just going to show that girls "aren't ready for a guy like me".

And so I say stuff like "I want a girl that'll just ravage me" or "I need a girl who will take control" and all that because I don't want to admit that what I need is a girl with a little patience and understanding to put up with me and my complete ignorance of all things girls -- a girl that might even find it cute that I'm a bumbling idiot rather than a cool suave guy.

I know, I'm pathetic.

I never wanted to sit around waiting for some angel to appear out of nowhere, take control of my sexuality, and make me suddenly happy...that's just not going to happen. In having done so, I have sat around watching some damn fine girls walk by all the while getting pissed that they don't stop to say hello.

What was I thinking?

I think this epiphany has been working its way into my life for some time as this general kick of self-improvement has worked its way through my life, but it got a good shove and that's a good thing.

I'm sick of being ridiculous, I'm sick of being shy, I'm sick of not taking chances. It's time for me to take the bull by the horns, quit this "poor me" crap, and start living.