a fork stuck in the road
It really sucks that I think so much, that I can't do a damn thing without thouroughly thinking it through -- analyzing every outcome for every possible course of events in accordance to any situation that might possibly occur. What sucks even more is that life never seems to work according to any of those plotlines that I stay up at night thinking about. It's always a curveball that I'm pitched, always some contingency that I never even thought of, always something that I haven't prepared myself, or my reaction, for. And it sucks.
It's the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
I guess it just goes to show how much of an oddball that I am. I guess it goes to show that I am that much out of tune with the rest of humanity that I just don't have any clue how they work and so have no idea how others will react. For some reason, I keep asking myself "what would I do if..." or "how would I react to this situation..." knowing through experience after experience that no one would respond to any given situation as I would. ...And yet I keep doing it, as if it were suddenly going to change after the billioneth try. ugh.
What sucks not quite so much, but quite a bit nonetheless, is that I then feel some need to vent my idiocies on this blog for the world to read. I feel a need to scream out to the void of the internet with some sort of exhibitionist wet dream that someone out there would here my screams bouncing around the walls of nothingness and maybe, just maybe, answer back -- either in recognition of my pain through their own experiences, or just a friendly "I hear ya" even though they don't know exactly what I'm going through. I never knew that I would have as many people out there that would come back time and time again, willing to listen, and so that is cool. Way cool. "Kewl" even.
But sometimes when I publish my insecurities for all the world to see, that random person that I don't want to show my insecurities sees them too. And that sucks. Sometimes I yell out into that cavern and hear the echo and realize that I'm being a complete tool. That sucks too. And sometimes, years later (it feels weird to me that I have been writing in this thing long enough to say that), I look back at the recordings and think to myself that I am just the hugest ass in the world. And that really sucks.
Anyway, that is what we in the writing world call a "tangent"...sort of like the one in mathematics, but not quite the same. Nothing that I just wrote in the past two paragraphs has anything to do with what this post is really about...not really.
The thing is, I am paralyzed by my assness. When I can't see what's around the corner, I tend to freeze up and make excuses for myself to not go ahead until I'm able to scope it out. When what's around the corner is something new and possibly life-changing, it takes me even longer. Painfully longer. I peak around the corner, looking for something that I recognize, but all that I recognize is that which I am familiar with, and that which I'm familiar with is that which I've experienced, and that which I've experienced is that which is experienced through the lens of my exitence, and the lens of my existence is, as I said, weirdly oddball to the rest of the human race. And so I find myself fucked.
Right now I feel at a turning point in so many aspects of my life. I feel as though I am about to make a life-decision as to how I'll be bringing in paychecks for the next 30-40 years of my life. I don't want to screw up. I don't want to find myself going back to school for the wrong thing, only to put myself into mucho-debt that I'll have to go to school again, get even more into debt, and pay off twice as much. I look too much into that contingency.
As I've written before, there's a girl in my life with whom I am friends, but can't help but think of as the most beautiful, wonderful girl I have ever had the honor, priviledge, and grace of knowing. We are friends and though I would like to see how much more we can be to each other, I don't know how she feels...I go both ways. I am left analyzing the outcomes...frozen in fear by the fact that so many times in my past I have lost friends to feelings. I don't want that.
I am also about to become homeless, primarily because I don't have very many friends. I looked for two months for a roommate and couldn't find one. Not one. Tuesday night I'll be sleeping at my parents, Wednesday too, and as many nights as I can stand it. Sure, I have couches to sleep on in the city (my parents live out in the middle of nowhere) if I need to, but no home. I'm sort of scared, sort of excited about it too I guess, but it seems yet another turning point in my life. For the last two weeks I have gone back and forth about what to do next in terms of living arrangements, and I guess it's going to last another month or two.
Anyway, I've unloaded enough for one day I guess. The library girl has already come by to say that my time is up so I should sign off.
It's the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
I guess it just goes to show how much of an oddball that I am. I guess it goes to show that I am that much out of tune with the rest of humanity that I just don't have any clue how they work and so have no idea how others will react. For some reason, I keep asking myself "what would I do if..." or "how would I react to this situation..." knowing through experience after experience that no one would respond to any given situation as I would. ...And yet I keep doing it, as if it were suddenly going to change after the billioneth try. ugh.
What sucks not quite so much, but quite a bit nonetheless, is that I then feel some need to vent my idiocies on this blog for the world to read. I feel a need to scream out to the void of the internet with some sort of exhibitionist wet dream that someone out there would here my screams bouncing around the walls of nothingness and maybe, just maybe, answer back -- either in recognition of my pain through their own experiences, or just a friendly "I hear ya" even though they don't know exactly what I'm going through. I never knew that I would have as many people out there that would come back time and time again, willing to listen, and so that is cool. Way cool. "Kewl" even.
But sometimes when I publish my insecurities for all the world to see, that random person that I don't want to show my insecurities sees them too. And that sucks. Sometimes I yell out into that cavern and hear the echo and realize that I'm being a complete tool. That sucks too. And sometimes, years later (it feels weird to me that I have been writing in this thing long enough to say that), I look back at the recordings and think to myself that I am just the hugest ass in the world. And that really sucks.
Anyway, that is what we in the writing world call a "tangent"...sort of like the one in mathematics, but not quite the same. Nothing that I just wrote in the past two paragraphs has anything to do with what this post is really about...not really.
The thing is, I am paralyzed by my assness. When I can't see what's around the corner, I tend to freeze up and make excuses for myself to not go ahead until I'm able to scope it out. When what's around the corner is something new and possibly life-changing, it takes me even longer. Painfully longer. I peak around the corner, looking for something that I recognize, but all that I recognize is that which I am familiar with, and that which I'm familiar with is that which I've experienced, and that which I've experienced is that which is experienced through the lens of my exitence, and the lens of my existence is, as I said, weirdly oddball to the rest of the human race. And so I find myself fucked.
Right now I feel at a turning point in so many aspects of my life. I feel as though I am about to make a life-decision as to how I'll be bringing in paychecks for the next 30-40 years of my life. I don't want to screw up. I don't want to find myself going back to school for the wrong thing, only to put myself into mucho-debt that I'll have to go to school again, get even more into debt, and pay off twice as much. I look too much into that contingency.
As I've written before, there's a girl in my life with whom I am friends, but can't help but think of as the most beautiful, wonderful girl I have ever had the honor, priviledge, and grace of knowing. We are friends and though I would like to see how much more we can be to each other, I don't know how she feels...I go both ways. I am left analyzing the outcomes...frozen in fear by the fact that so many times in my past I have lost friends to feelings. I don't want that.
I am also about to become homeless, primarily because I don't have very many friends. I looked for two months for a roommate and couldn't find one. Not one. Tuesday night I'll be sleeping at my parents, Wednesday too, and as many nights as I can stand it. Sure, I have couches to sleep on in the city (my parents live out in the middle of nowhere) if I need to, but no home. I'm sort of scared, sort of excited about it too I guess, but it seems yet another turning point in my life. For the last two weeks I have gone back and forth about what to do next in terms of living arrangements, and I guess it's going to last another month or two.
Anyway, I've unloaded enough for one day I guess. The library girl has already come by to say that my time is up so I should sign off.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home