three days hate
I just got off a horrible weekend. Friday I had lunch with a friend that, perhaps, I like a little too much, got home, couldn't get a hold of anyone and so all I did was think about her. Too much. I wrote a letter, explaining why I don't do things, why maybe I act the way that I do, and I felt very happy about that. But then it made me think. Too much. I was up until 5 or so in the morning thinking about what an ass I am, about how fucking clueless I can be, about just how many excuses that a guy can make for himself (the answer is a lot), about how fucking retarded I am.
I woke up the next day feeling like shit. I spent the day feeling not much different. I went to see the movie Collateral and while watching it, thought about how it was a good thing I wasn't seeing it with her because she would point out the sad hilarity of the way that Tom Cruise rips Jamie Kennedy a new one because all he does is make excuses, doesn't go after anything, sits by and waits for things to come his way, not willing to lift a finger in the effort to make things happen...
And so I was up until 5 again, thinking. Too much.
On Sunday I went to my Dad's and almost went with her had she not been out so late with a high school friend of hers, and that took my mind off of things. I came home instead of spending the night because she had suggested that maybe we could go out, if she got back from a family dinner of her own on time...she didn't, I went back to thinking. Too much.
I got to sleep by 3 or so because I had thought all the bad thoughts that I could think of. I had run the gamut of the self-hate and self-pity induced by a stupid letter that I had tried to write -- pinning my inabilities and insecurities on someone else intead of me...the rightful bearer of the crown of shit. I was tired.
I wish I could come out on here and say "from now on I am going to take life by the horns" but I've said it enough to know that it's probably not true. All I can hope for is that maybe this time I have disgusted myself enough that I won't ever do it again. Maybe now I will try and do something. I am sick of being a fucking loser and I don't want to feel this way again. It hurts too much.
I woke up the next day feeling like shit. I spent the day feeling not much different. I went to see the movie Collateral and while watching it, thought about how it was a good thing I wasn't seeing it with her because she would point out the sad hilarity of the way that Tom Cruise rips Jamie Kennedy a new one because all he does is make excuses, doesn't go after anything, sits by and waits for things to come his way, not willing to lift a finger in the effort to make things happen...
And so I was up until 5 again, thinking. Too much.
On Sunday I went to my Dad's and almost went with her had she not been out so late with a high school friend of hers, and that took my mind off of things. I came home instead of spending the night because she had suggested that maybe we could go out, if she got back from a family dinner of her own on time...she didn't, I went back to thinking. Too much.
I got to sleep by 3 or so because I had thought all the bad thoughts that I could think of. I had run the gamut of the self-hate and self-pity induced by a stupid letter that I had tried to write -- pinning my inabilities and insecurities on someone else intead of me...the rightful bearer of the crown of shit. I was tired.
I wish I could come out on here and say "from now on I am going to take life by the horns" but I've said it enough to know that it's probably not true. All I can hope for is that maybe this time I have disgusted myself enough that I won't ever do it again. Maybe now I will try and do something. I am sick of being a fucking loser and I don't want to feel this way again. It hurts too much.
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