five year plan
The last five years of my life have been tumultuous at best, a waste at worst. I have spent the years since I've graduated from college making excuses, making myself a scapegoat, waxing idealistic about the roll I should be playing in this world, and doing absolutely nothing about any of them. I have succeeded in backpeddling into immaturity while trying to move forward with my life and did so without even realizing what I was doing. I have lost all that which made me who I was, and gained little to replace it.
It all stops now.
I used to be a man (or boy, as it were) of honor. My word was steadfast. If I said x, you could almost guarantee that x was or was going to be if I had anything to say or do about it. It was an admirable quality, if a bit arrogant and abrasive. What has happened to me? Today (and for years, really) my word has been so degraded by exaggerations and pie-in-the-sky prognostications that it is only slightly more reliable than that of a carnival barker. Of course, I have always known my intentions and known what is the truth and what is not, but no one else really has. No one knows my intentions, no one knows my feelings, no one knows my dreams...and this frightens me. No -- I lied just now, I haven't always known my feelings and intentions...at some point I began believing in my own lies too.
I lost myself somewhere along the way -- lost my footing, lost my self-confidence, lost my vision and perspective of the world. I allowed the world to change me and in so doing became something that I was not. I fell, in a biblical sense, as I seem to remember biblical passages stating that allowing the world to change you is a great sin. I am a huge sinner.
Well, no more. What I once was I shall be again...with the positive influences of a young man's life experience and wisdom gained to soften the edges and enervate the youthful pride of what I was before I came upon this slump. As such, I make the following pledges for myself, to bring myself to the place I would like to be at in five years:
No more excuses. I have become the servant of my own failures and yet have not come to grips with my own imperfections. I will no longer blame my misgivings on others, on fate, or on the world at large. If I fail, as I most certainly will from time to time, I will look to myself first for the reasons for my failure. I will adapt to my new circumstances, I will change what needs to be changed, I will accept responsibility for the positions that I put myself in.
Live for myself. I must do what I do to fulfill my own needs and wants, not to appease others. Taking into some consideration the needs, wants, and feelings of others is the mark of a gentleman nice-guy -- but when taken into too much account it becomes the mark of a fool. The ground is not covered with eggshells, I will not walk as though it is.
Express myself. For me, this goes along the same lines as living for myself, but it remains all together different. Rather than fearing expression of my feelings for fear of ridicule of myself or others, for fear of retribution, or for fear of making others uncomfortable, I will tell others what I think of them and otherwise not hold back my emotions.
The past is dead. I shall not dwell on my past. I have made mistakes, both in paths taken and opportunities not (mostly not), but they shall not dictate my future for me. Each moment is a new beginning and with it comes the chance to step away from whatever I was the moment prior. Nothing in life is intractable.
Remain patient, passionate, and strong. Although I have lost myself in some ways, I have never lost my patience, passion for life, and strength to stand up to adversity. Though I intend to bring myself to this new place, I will not allow myself to become impatient, dispassionate, or frail as the result.
Why am I writing this? Well, as I've written about sporadically over the past two months, I have been taking the opportunity that living at my folks' house (read: hitting and living at rock bottom) presents to re-examine my life, and believe that this opportunity is God's gift to me to restart what was a stalled life. In three weeks, I will be moving out on my own; in two months, I will start taking classes in an effort to obtain my masters. It is the perfect time for me to do this, as so much will be starting anew for me in the coming months, it only makes sense for me to start anew. It is an opportunity to regroup and change course away from the specious path I have found myself on to head, instead, in the direction I truly want to go.
Five years from now, I want to see myself working on a meaningful career, I want to own my own house, I want to be married (or close to it). These things will only come with a change -- for the way I'm living my life now, these things will never occur.
In other words, to paraphrase Ghandi, I must be the change I wish to see.
It all stops now.
I used to be a man (or boy, as it were) of honor. My word was steadfast. If I said x, you could almost guarantee that x was or was going to be if I had anything to say or do about it. It was an admirable quality, if a bit arrogant and abrasive. What has happened to me? Today (and for years, really) my word has been so degraded by exaggerations and pie-in-the-sky prognostications that it is only slightly more reliable than that of a carnival barker. Of course, I have always known my intentions and known what is the truth and what is not, but no one else really has. No one knows my intentions, no one knows my feelings, no one knows my dreams...and this frightens me. No -- I lied just now, I haven't always known my feelings and intentions...at some point I began believing in my own lies too.
I lost myself somewhere along the way -- lost my footing, lost my self-confidence, lost my vision and perspective of the world. I allowed the world to change me and in so doing became something that I was not. I fell, in a biblical sense, as I seem to remember biblical passages stating that allowing the world to change you is a great sin. I am a huge sinner.
Well, no more. What I once was I shall be again...with the positive influences of a young man's life experience and wisdom gained to soften the edges and enervate the youthful pride of what I was before I came upon this slump. As such, I make the following pledges for myself, to bring myself to the place I would like to be at in five years:
No more excuses. I have become the servant of my own failures and yet have not come to grips with my own imperfections. I will no longer blame my misgivings on others, on fate, or on the world at large. If I fail, as I most certainly will from time to time, I will look to myself first for the reasons for my failure. I will adapt to my new circumstances, I will change what needs to be changed, I will accept responsibility for the positions that I put myself in.
Live for myself. I must do what I do to fulfill my own needs and wants, not to appease others. Taking into some consideration the needs, wants, and feelings of others is the mark of a gentleman nice-guy -- but when taken into too much account it becomes the mark of a fool. The ground is not covered with eggshells, I will not walk as though it is.
Express myself. For me, this goes along the same lines as living for myself, but it remains all together different. Rather than fearing expression of my feelings for fear of ridicule of myself or others, for fear of retribution, or for fear of making others uncomfortable, I will tell others what I think of them and otherwise not hold back my emotions.
The past is dead. I shall not dwell on my past. I have made mistakes, both in paths taken and opportunities not (mostly not), but they shall not dictate my future for me. Each moment is a new beginning and with it comes the chance to step away from whatever I was the moment prior. Nothing in life is intractable.
Remain patient, passionate, and strong. Although I have lost myself in some ways, I have never lost my patience, passion for life, and strength to stand up to adversity. Though I intend to bring myself to this new place, I will not allow myself to become impatient, dispassionate, or frail as the result.
Why am I writing this? Well, as I've written about sporadically over the past two months, I have been taking the opportunity that living at my folks' house (read: hitting and living at rock bottom) presents to re-examine my life, and believe that this opportunity is God's gift to me to restart what was a stalled life. In three weeks, I will be moving out on my own; in two months, I will start taking classes in an effort to obtain my masters. It is the perfect time for me to do this, as so much will be starting anew for me in the coming months, it only makes sense for me to start anew. It is an opportunity to regroup and change course away from the specious path I have found myself on to head, instead, in the direction I truly want to go.
Five years from now, I want to see myself working on a meaningful career, I want to own my own house, I want to be married (or close to it). These things will only come with a change -- for the way I'm living my life now, these things will never occur.
In other words, to paraphrase Ghandi, I must be the change I wish to see.
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