slap me awake

Recently I got a good slap in the face and it worked wonders to wake me up. A friend of mine who I had been crushing on for what seems forever decided that she couldn't hang out with me. At first I was pissed. It came, I thought, out of the blue -- she having told me the week before, after having a talk about things, that everything was cool. For a week I was just plain mad at her for what she had done to me...dumping me from her life after having me go through my feelings, trying to get over her so we can be friends without issue, for a long, hard several months and just as I felt I finally got the closure I so desparately needed. For two weeks I wondered if we could even be friends anymore after that -- it hurting me so much. But now, for the last week or so, I'm realizing that it was good for me.

I fell into the trap of blaming others for my problems again. It's something that I've always had trouble with, something that gets in between me and friends way too much. I'm selfish sometimes, not willing to admit my own shortcomings, instead trying to put it all on other people. I get stuck in moments that I can't get out of, and by the time I get unstuck, the proverbial shit has already hit the fan. Hell, too often the shit has to hit the fan before I even realize that it's in the room stinking it up.

I'm awake now, I think. I'm seeing the world and my life through different glasses, trying to keep them from getting too rose-colored. I want to move forward. I want to get better. I want to accomplish things and become a better person as the result. This is an improvement. Though I have been pushing myself to better myself for a few months now (having used my time out up at my dad's as a launching point), it was more of a have to than a want to. For that I am grateful for the pain and stress in my life recently. It was reawoken me to my purpose.

Heck, I even think I have a purpose all of a sudden. Imagine that.

As for the friend. We are still not hanging out, though we talk at work and she even gave me a ride home today (and a really good idea for a writing project which I'm looking into working on). I hope that we can straighten things out. I think we will...it'll just take some time apart. I miss the innocence of our friendship before my feelings got out of control and everything turned awkward and weird; I miss the laughing, the fun, the just sitting around talking and watching movies. They were good times. I just hope I haven't so screwed things up to prevent our going back.

OK, I have to get off the internets now and work on the paper which I came to the coffeeshop two and a half hours ago to work on.