i suck

So I’m seeing the cute girl at work about every day these days and talking to her most days. It’s on breaks mostly, a couple of minutes in the morning, a couple in the afternoon…sometimes, albeit rarely, at lunch. She’s awesome, near as I can tell -- she seems to be about so much of what I’m about. She’s afraid to commit to an academic program for grad school, she says, because she’s not sure she wants to commit to any career without being sure…something I did for six long years. She nodded her head along when I talked about child labor today with a third person. She seemed to agree completely when I expressed my desire to never work for some business interest. Hell, she even said she thought it was cool that I don’t own a car.

But it‘s not just that…she was voted most shy in her high school, something that I can oh so identify with. She tends to hang around by herself at work, she’s getting weary of living with her parents, she got her major in English just because she likes to read…

And then there are her eyes…her blue eyes. And her skin and her freckles and her figure and…uh.

…but I can’t ask her out. I can’t get those words out of my mouth. I’m super self-conscious. It’s not that I’m scared that she’ll reject me, I’m not invested enough in her for that to hurt too bad. I’m not embarrassed to express my thoughts, I know a friend of hers knows that I feel this way. Hell, I know that people at work know what I want…but there’s people around, there’s time constraints, there’s pressure and I can’t overcome my general shyness to just come out and express myself for fear that someone will overhear. Not that I care…I just don’t like other people to get involved or know any more about me (emotionally or otherwise) than I care to let them know -- which is to say, unless I want them to know me. I’m too damn protective of myself that way, too secretive, too shy?

I don’t even know if it’s shyness anymore, or at least I’m questioning that. I don’ know if it’s insecurity (I don’t feel insecure) or what. It’s frigidity man, and it sucks. I suck. Bah!