room to grow
This weekend a few things happened to me that forced me to rethink some of my past. Particularly in relation to a girl. The first of these was a Friday night hang-out with a couple of friends that turned familiar when the love-interest of one of the two girls I was with showed up. She's been into the guy for as long as I have known her (and a year or so before from what I hear -- so a little over a year and a half) and, frankly, it's always been sort of dramatic as hell. Anyway, he has pulled away from her -- stopped doing a lot of things that would seem to suggest any desire, but she obviously hasn't. Sitting there on the porch of no-one's apartment tere was a play between the two of them -- he was just trying to be friends, she was nagging him...like they were an old married couple.
I use the phrase because me and a failed nongirlfriend had the same critique before. I had thought it cute -- it told me that she cared for me and wanted me...just as my friend's nagging was telling me on Friday. There was something enduring about it, something that turned me on. But I saw what I saw on Friday and it was horrible...sick even. And it wasn't for the guy that I felt bad for, but her. She was just plain being sad -- not coming to grips with reality, but not realizing that she had lost her grip.
But then yesterday I was cruising around on MySpace and came across the profile of my same exnongirlfriend (I use the term, but some may prefer "friend with obligations" -- to be the couter of "friend with benefits"; that is, a friendship with all the bullshit of a relationship and none of the benefits). It was sad. Too much was written in the negative: an interest was "being around people that don't drain me", who she would like to meet are "people that aren't going to leave within the next year" and the like. I think that first thing was a dig against me somehow, but gay as hell in that it was only through my own snooping that I even found her page. It was sad though, just sad...a glass-half-empty look at her life if ever there was one. ...and I'm not really like that (cynical, maybe, but ultimately pretty optimistic).
It has brought me top that point where I question why I ever felt anything for her...why I've ever felt anything for any girl lik her (and God knows tere are a few like that).
Currently my interests lie in a few girls that seem to be more like me (that and one cute waitress), and I just can't grasp how I could ever be attracted to anyone that wasn't. It's weird. Plaine weird. I mean, maybe it's because of my sudden increase in self-confidence, not feeling that I need to go after the "broken" girls and fix them up to something lovely. Maybe it's that I don't hate myself so much anymore and therefore deserve to punish myself by having those that would punish me around. Or maybe it's that I've recognized my empathetic nature and finally figured out that I tend to absorb the negative when I'm around it -- even though I don't like it so much.
In any case, it's the thought that's been screaming in my head for the last day or two...the question of why I have been attracted to the types I always have, and I'm still trying to figure it out. But hey, that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right, and none of it killed me...so...
I use the phrase because me and a failed nongirlfriend had the same critique before. I had thought it cute -- it told me that she cared for me and wanted me...just as my friend's nagging was telling me on Friday. There was something enduring about it, something that turned me on. But I saw what I saw on Friday and it was horrible...sick even. And it wasn't for the guy that I felt bad for, but her. She was just plain being sad -- not coming to grips with reality, but not realizing that she had lost her grip.
But then yesterday I was cruising around on MySpace and came across the profile of my same exnongirlfriend (I use the term, but some may prefer "friend with obligations" -- to be the couter of "friend with benefits"; that is, a friendship with all the bullshit of a relationship and none of the benefits). It was sad. Too much was written in the negative: an interest was "being around people that don't drain me", who she would like to meet are "people that aren't going to leave within the next year" and the like. I think that first thing was a dig against me somehow, but gay as hell in that it was only through my own snooping that I even found her page. It was sad though, just sad...a glass-half-empty look at her life if ever there was one. ...and I'm not really like that (cynical, maybe, but ultimately pretty optimistic).
It has brought me top that point where I question why I ever felt anything for her...why I've ever felt anything for any girl lik her (and God knows tere are a few like that).
Currently my interests lie in a few girls that seem to be more like me (that and one cute waitress), and I just can't grasp how I could ever be attracted to anyone that wasn't. It's weird. Plaine weird. I mean, maybe it's because of my sudden increase in self-confidence, not feeling that I need to go after the "broken" girls and fix them up to something lovely. Maybe it's that I don't hate myself so much anymore and therefore deserve to punish myself by having those that would punish me around. Or maybe it's that I've recognized my empathetic nature and finally figured out that I tend to absorb the negative when I'm around it -- even though I don't like it so much.
In any case, it's the thought that's been screaming in my head for the last day or two...the question of why I have been attracted to the types I always have, and I'm still trying to figure it out. But hey, that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right, and none of it killed me...so...
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