I cannot get my blog to come up on my computer right now (I'm at the library)...so I don't know what's going on with it, but I have deleted the comments because they haven't been up for the last two weeks that I've noticed, and I don't feel like dealing with that. In any case, if you want to comment me, don't be afraid to e-mail me above. It's means a lot to me to hear from people, it really does. Especially now. gracias mi amigos.

I don't know why I do this every time I get down. I latch on to someone or maybe two and try to force them to help me deal with my problems. This time it's one girl. I don't know why I do it -- try to monopolize her time, her emotions, all that -- but I think it has something to do with the fact that I feel so fucking alone right now. Like nobody understands me. I just want someone to sit down and pay attention to me. Listen to me. Show interest in me. Understand me. I guess it's understandable that I go to her in this time of need because she is the sweetest, kindest, most understanding and inwardly beautiful person that I know and if anyone would do that for me, it would be her. But it certainly doesn't justify it. It definitely doesn't excuse the fact that I feel like I'm dragging her down with me or disgusting her to the point that I will lose her as a friend. I don't know. I just don't know. I sicken myself sometimes. The shit I do.

I started off this little bout of depression with the question of why don't people like me as much as I think they do. I mean, I always try to go out of my way to help other people and rarely put myself ahead of others. Hell, I thought, I'd be my friend if I wasn't me, it'd be sweet to have a guy I could always count on be my friend. Now I know that that's not the case, that I'm not as selfless as I thought I was, that I'm not such a good friend. That pisses me off, but it's enlightening in it's own way...and it's a place where I can start in order to make myself a better person. I guess.

Es tut mir leid, I have been busy lately and haven't been able to post. Moving is a bitch and I don't have a phone line to tap into, so the internet has been the least of my concerns during the last week or so. It's probably better that way anyway, I've gone into a depression that puts all but the Lisa situation/Mom's cancer/semester from hell combination to shame. I seriously have no positives in my life right now. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Among other things:

:::RANT ALERT:::

:::RANT ALERT:::

the following may contain ranting material. Unless you really care, you may not want to read on...

1. I am questioning who my frineds are. Too many lonely nights without a call, without a visit has me realizing that all of my contacts with people are self-initiatiated, invite-myself-alongs. No one fucking calls. I don't know what that means. Maybe it means nothing, maybe it does.

1a. It occurred to me the other night that if I were to die in my sleep, the fact that no one pays me any attention would probably lead to my body lying there, rotting and bloating for days...until someone complained about the smell. This thought sent me on a thirty-mile drive around the city, trying to convince myself that things could be worse by driving through the ghetto.

2. I'm broke. I'm three months behind on student loan payments. Four months behind on the phone and three on the electric. I also have medical bills to pay off for my stupid, paranoia-induced mole removal. There's no end in sight. My life will not improve unless I can come up with the $104 I need to pay for the LSAT so I can go back to school. Dammit.

3. I hate my job. It sucks. I am treated like a machine by my bosses. My humanity is stripped away every time I step through the door. My car's about to bust down (but it always is) so I don't know how much longer that'll last. It'll be good though. It'll force me to go out and get a job. Or something.

4. I am hopelessly alone. I just want someone to talk to, someone to hold, someone who I know is there for me. Twenty-five years of loneliness is enough. I'm almost twenty-six and I'd rather not extend my loser streak yet another year.

5. I really, really miss my mom right now.

6. I've been having panic attacks again. It sucks.

7. Stress. My muscles are all taut, my neck feels like I've sleep on it badly for the last three years, my back is killing me.

That's enough. If you've read all this, I applaud you. I sure wouldn't. Thanks, sometimes you need to get that sort of stuff off you're chest. Anway, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

A little about me, in case you wanted to know. I have a need to try and understand myself, especially that part of me which seems to alienate me from the rest of humanity. This curiosity draws me to personality tests, of which I've taken many. The Meyer-Briggs tests always give me the same result, ever since the first time I took one as a Freshman in college: INTP

"He who gives himself entirely to his fellow men appears to them useless and selfish; but he who gives himself partially to them in pronounced a benefactor and Philanthropist." -Henry David Thoreau

I almost can't stand it anymore. I can't stand the way that people suck, generally. I mean, not everyone sucks all the time (some do) but everyone does tend to suck once and awhile. I don't know. I was delivering today, as a favor to a friend who needed to track someone down, and it was horrible. That that I was helping her, I enjoy helping her, but everything else that was involved just sucked. First, it rained. By "rained" I don't mean sprinkle, I mean the shit that would've gotten Noah's ark afloat had it gone on for a few hours. It took me a minute, maybe too, to get drenched down to the skin -- through two shirts, through shorts and underwear. Just soaked. That's bad enough by itself, but what made it ten, no twenty, times worse was the fact that people weren't tipping worth shit. I would show up at their door looking like a drowned rat and they wouldn't think twice about not sparing me a dime. Just shut the door, say thank you, and continue on their merry little life. For me, it was turn around, enter the downpour and jump across puddles hoping that my feet wouldn't get more wet and uncomfrotable, all the while cursing quite a bit. Of course, I was broke while getting more wet. Why are people such assholes? Taking advantage of me and everything. But then, I should be used to it.

The other thing that really bothers me about today is really just a straw, nothing really, but something that once and awhile just seems heavier than usual. I don't know, maybe it's just jealousy or something, but it still bothers m anyway. While delivering today, an order popped up that came to $400 and change. It was their third of the day and they supposedly tipped well the first two times, so it could be assumed they would this time as well. Well, I was only working with one other guy, and this guy had taken the first two as well. But, by the time this order was ready to go out, he was up and it was, in every way his. However, I have been in the same position -- myself having had several large deliveries with big tips while the other driver having the usual fare of ghetto runs and thirteen-year-old babysitters who don't know any better. When the next big run comes up, I share it. I always have, and I rack my brain thinking of a time that I haven't. I mean, that's just the right thing to do, isn't it? Share? I feel guilty when I'm, making money when the other driver isn't, and I just visualize myself in their shoes -- not making a dime while I'm "raking it in". It just seems natural to say "go ahead and take it." You know? Anyway, he didn't. And that's bad enough except for the fact that I always saw this guy as a "nice guy"...someone a lot like me and with a good sense of, I don't know, compassion. But he didn't even think twice about handing off the run to me as most people would. I even "suggested" It by mentioning how it might be difficult to get all the pizza and pop into his small car. But nothing. I got to head out for the ghetto, to a woman who cheated me out of a penny, let alone stiffed me. It just makes me wonder about how "nice" people are actually capable of being.

I mean, I live by the idea that I should do onto others better than I would have them do onto me, that is what Jesus REALLY taught, that is how I want to be. But I can't help but think that that sort of thinking is completely antiquated and just plain foriegn to the masses that I encounter every day. I can't help but wondering if I hould change knowing damn well that it would be impossible for me to do so. But I still think I should which leads me to the thoughts of worthlessness that comes along with being "not up to date" with the world. I mean, I can't be trusted by many people because I'm too "goody-goody". I can't have a real relationship, I can't really do the things that I feel I need to do to truly be happy. I mean, I'm the nicest person that I know -- the most honest, the most selfless (though obviously not the most modest) -- but I can't feel that that's a negative thing. I mean, nice guys finish last in the end, don't they? It's been my experience that that's the case. Anyway...

OMG! An expert that finally is willing to buck the trend and speak the truth:

United Press International: Terror threat overblown, says expert
"I basically think we are really overreacting to this in a fairly large way," said George Mason University economist Roger Congleton. "I think it would be useful for the press and the government to be reminded that the risks are not as gigantic as we seem to have been encouraged to believe over the last year."

Oh, and I'd like to admit that more people in the United States died as the result of tainted meat in 2001 than died of terrorism. Just something I picked up from the Harpers Index™.

Wow. This thing speaks for itself. I can add nothing.

No way for Bush to justify unprovoked war with Iraq
"...back in 1990, Iraq's brutal invasion of its fellow Arab nation ensured that Hussein, not the United States, would bear the moral burden of starting a major war. At the time, the United States also had the strong endorsement of the United Nations, pledges of financial assistance from Japan, Saudi Arabia and others, the offer of bases in Turkey and Saudi Arabia and the support of most of the Arab world, including Yasser Arafat. Twelve years ago today, in fact, Egypt announced it would contribute troops to the effort. Today none of that is true. We have instead an administration trying to sell a pre-emptive war on the basis of weapons that Iraq might have, and whether it might give those weapons to terrorists. There is no evidence that Hussein has even contemplated such a step, and considerable history to the contrary. For at least 20 years, Hussein has had access to chemical weapons and has never once let them out of his control.Furthermore, endorsing the concept of pre-emptive war as a legitimate use of power is extremely risky. It is essentially the rationale imperial Japan used to justify its attack on Pearl Harbor more than 60 years ago."

I don't know what to make of this, it seems something out of a dream, or a nightmare, or something. One of those dreams where stupid statements continue to haunt you even after you're awake, statements like "Egypt is the Prize". What the hell is the Bush administration up to?The PowerPoint That Rocked the Pentagon

Do you think baby seals applaud those that come to club them?

Adults, kids serenade R. Kelly at court

I loved the movie Changing Lanes. It wasn't the cleanest story in the world or anything like that, but it attempted to take a good solic look at ethics and how we should live our lives. I commend that, I really do. Because of it, I can't help but question people that didn't like the film, wondering if they "got it". Usually, they didn't..and that's okay, if a little depressing for me. What I don't get is when religious people find the tiniest fault in a film or anything, really, and try to censor it completely as a result. As if anything is completely perfect, I think the Jewish and Christian scriptures say that nothing is. Why then do fundamentalists of any religion, then, do this sort of thing? I mean, appreciate the fact that this is a Hollywood movie with a message that anyone of faith or ethical superiority can appreciate.

Religious Jews Protest Affleck Film on El Al Plane:

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - Angry Ultra-Orthodox Jews covered a movie screen with blankets on an El Al flight from Zurich earlier this week in protest at the film "Changing Lanes," starring Ben Affleck, which they found offensive. A spokeswoman for Israel's national carrier El Al said the incident lasted only a few minutes and was resolved by the captain who decided to cut short the in-flight screening during the flight to Tel Aviv Sunday. Israel's Ma'ariv daily quoted passengers as saying a group of ultra-Orthodox Jews screamed at and insulted the flight crew when they refused to turn off the movie. Amateur video footage showed a group of ultra-Orthodox women covering the screen with blankets and arguing with passengers who wanted to watch the film -- an action thriller about a lawyer and a businessman involved in a car crash. El Al issued a statement apologizing for the "unpleasantness experienced by all the passengers." Ultra-Orthodox Jews eschew television and films which depict lifestyles and dress they consider to be immodest and offensive.

Primary election day, and I voted. No surprise there. I'm one of those Americans that walk's the walk -- bitches, but only after having done what I could to keep the ass holes out of office. I had to play the role of Democrat at the polls though; not that I am one, but it was either that or Republican as you have to go straight ticket. Anyway, I voted for David Bonior, not because I like the guy, but for the first time ever, I am a single-issue voter, and he was the only guy who I could agree with. The issue: Post 9/11 privacy. All the others have said they're willing to allow police greater authority to do their thing. I just don't get how so many can support that, not realizing that it's just opening the door to possible problems down the road. I mean, I don't have a problem with police, I had a pleasant encounter with one today (I will mention that in a second), but it just seems to me that after this whole Terrorism™ thing subsides, no one's gonna think to roll back the powers that have been flung around. That aside, I just wonder if law enforcement will be able to just sit by, knowing crimes are being committed, and not taking advantage of these archaic laws that would enable them to do something...it's not their responsibility to think about how they're trampling on peoples' civil rights, that's for the legislature and courts.

As for the cop thing, it followed my adventure in changing a flat tire. Now, normally I can do this without a hitch. I've changed them before in less than five minutes. The problem this time was that I didn't have a crowbar. A crowbar. My jack needs one as a lever. No jack, no tire change. Anyway, I usually have two crow bars, at least, in my car at any given time, but today I didn't. I probably allowed people borrow both of them at some point in the past and never got them back. I was fuming. I helped out others, only to have my generosity come and bite me on the ass today. Fucking A. I called around to people that we're in my area of town, hoping one of them had a crow bar. Nope. I walked down to the hardware store down the street to see if they did. Not the right size and shape they didn't. I almost had to call a tow truck...to change a fucking tire. I felt my testicles shirk up into my body as I contemplated the idea of having to sink down to that completely unmanly option. Helping others would, again, end up costing me, money and testosterone. Then I remembered Craftsman, or rather that I had a screwdriver of their's somewhere. They have always claimed perfection, so I figured what the hell and found it, inserted it into the jack and proceded to raise my car without a problem. Thank God, my generosity wasn't screwing me over. Just because I was nice and lent someone my crowbars in the past, I wasn't now sunk. I got away with helping out someone, having them screw me over, and still coming out alright in the end. Whew.

And then it occured to me. I had borrowed that screwdriver back in Freshman year...

Oops, I almost forgot the other bit of irony (and the part about the cop). Anyway, just as I turn the key to start up my car, having pavked up everything into the trunk, a cop pulls up to ask me why I was parked in a no parking zone. I tell him I had a flat and a bit of the story (I was very sweaty at this time having had tried jacking my car with my foot and no leverage), and he tells me to have a good day. Funny thing is, he probably could've helped me out had he swung by earlier since cops drive Crown Vics and that's what I had...he would've had a similar jack in his trunk. I don't know, it's just been one of those days.

I didn't realize this. If you live in Michigan, remember this on Tuesday:

Thousands of votes may be spoiled (Lansing-AP, August 4, 2002, 6:33 p.m.)
Hundreds or even thousands of votes cast in Tuesday's primary could end up being tossed out, if voters pick both Democratic and Republican candidates. State law bars primary voters from casting both Republican and Democratic votes on the same ballot. But election experts say voters do it anyway. Experts say voters cross party lines either because they don't know any better or because they think they can get away with it. Michigan voters have a history of ticket-splitting in general elections, but may not do it in primaries. The idea is that each party is able to put its best candidates forward and that folks of like-minded political orientation will make the decision. The system also discourages partisans in one party from casting ballots for weak candidates in the other.

I'm moving. It's been a while since I've had to (almost four years), and it's been even longer since I've had a roommate (since my Freshman year, seven years ago), but I need change. Sometimes you just gotta do it. Too many punk-ass kids and gang-banger wannabes to deal with around here, not to mention the carwash across the street I have had to deal with and the fuckers that gotta show off the speakers and bass thay've loaded up with while vacuuming.

Anyway, I almost forgot how much it sucks to pack up everything. I've only just started to do so, but it's still wretched. Maybe it's more of a psychological thing -- the idea that I have to put everything in boxes, move it a mile and a half away, and put it all away again -- or maybe it's just the time and energy it takes that makes it so horrible, I don't know, but it does. Hell, maybe it's the fact that I have to sit around my apartment with empty shelves with boxes full of books, cds, dvds, and clothing next to them. I can't move it until the 15th, but I don't want to wait much further beyond that date either, so I feel a need to start now. Sentencing myself to sitting in a frickin' warehouse for the next week and a half. Oh well, hopefully it's all worth it.

For some reason, I am quesy about the combination of the ideas of "military" and "intelligence" and "czar"...I don't know why.

U.S. News: Rumsfeld Pushes for Intelligence Czar (08/01/02)

I just added the comment feature, and I'm curious, which leads me to the following request. For just this post, could anyone reading this just add a comment. No need to say anything or even leave anything but your name, I'm just curious. Thanks.

What the hell makes people think that this is even on the radar of cool? Killing a guy who's just doing his job, probably because they themselves are too lazy to get jobs themselves...it hurts just that much more since delivery of pizzas is something that I have done and still continue to do at this time. I kind of like it. But shit like this makes me question the sanity of doing so, at least at the time being as I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe some jack-ass around here will try to pull off the same shit and since I work at the only place that sells pizza to "the ghetto"...this might be me (except I refuse to work past 9pm). Anyway:
another pizza guy killed

[edited to fix the link...I forgot the mlive.com sucks -- they change links on a daily basis -- maybe the detroit news is better]

I don't know. Suddenly those wacky conspiracy theories that the events of 9/11 were not the work of Saudi terrorists and really the work of Israeli or American agents do not seem so wacky. I mean, if the only "proof" that the people blamed are the ones that did it is the word of the same people that had the evidence that this was going to happen and couldn't put two and two together, isn't it possible it's all a lie...

BBC NEWS | Middle East | Hijack 'suspects' alive and well

It's good to have a man so dedicated to the job as President. Bush Leaves for His August Retreat (washingtonpost.com)

I gotta admit, I'm kind of scared. It has been a week or so since the Duhbya administration has done or said anything that's really got my blood pressure up. I can't help but think that something big's on the horizon...

This is horrible:Yahoo! News - Two men whose van hit pedestrians die after mob beating on Chicago's South Side

The internet comments are even more horrible.