Friday was the last day of work at my day job, today is moreorless the first day of moreorless unemployment for me. I should be out looking for a job, but I figure I have bunches of time to do that. Right? I have bills covered for the next two weeks at least, and I haven't exactly been spending money or anything (my weekend cost me a grand total of $4...which was groceries). But I feel rotten because of it...I have this urge to not be poor anymore, or at least not be in debt...and of course, then there's my oh so strong desire to get over the germany to make a visit. But there's this total apathy, this total laziness, this total idea that I deserve a week or so off and just be a slobbish wanker and such. So I'll give myself a day or two. I can at least send out a couple resumes through hotjobs or something i suppose...pretend like I'm doing something. hehe

On a related note, I want to get my garage sale up and running, but angelfire is being a stupid bitch and keeps crashing explorer for some reason. So I can't. I've tried, I really have, because I want to do this, but... Hmmmm...maybe I could just do it with navigator? duh...

Okay, yeah, I jst posted a post about not letting things get to you...but I sure hope that this woman burns in hell:

Woman Found Guilty in 'Windshield' Case

There's a reason that the jury only took 50 minutes to find this woman guilty of murder...and it's because she is a bitch with no soul or heart.

So, my job was supposed to end today, maybe, but it isn't thanks to the stupidity of kids taking standardized tests and the even greater stupidity of people that design the tests. I should now be able to get another half day's pay which is fantastic. I like that. It's sweet.

But anyway, I would never post to say something as mundane as that. Okay, maybe I would, but not right now. Instead, I wanted to write something about how I am. I was talking with a girl yesterday about her and my abilities to be totally comfortable with other people telling us that they're upset or mad at us but our (as she perceived it) inability to do so ourselves. I told her I could...and I think I may be more or less right about that.

The thing is, I don't get upset all that often. There is very little in life that get's me mad. I mean, on one level, that is a complete and total lie...but on the other level it's true. It's weird how facts can be like that. See, the thing is, that there is so much in this world that pisses me right off -- but i block so much of it out. I hate, yes hate, the way that so many people obsess over money and sex and everything else material and define themselves by those things, denying to themselves their own basic humanity. I am angered when I see another person cheat another person or them, I am pissed when I see a parent treat their child like shit or do nothing to try to give the poor kid a reasonable life, my blood boils when I see people give up their inate abilities as human beings and have other people doing their thinking for them, telling them what to do with their lives, or folding into the mold that those in power wish for us to confrom to. I am sickened by it all...but I don't care.

A few months ago there was an accident around the corner from me. A man drove off the road and wrapped his car around a tree, dying rather instantly. Pretty tragic right? There are flowers there, and a cross to commerate his life or whatever, or at least to mourn his passing. But I just want to stomp on them. Because, the accident was not so accidental. The car the man was driving was stolen, by the man of course, and he was driving down the city streets fast enough to wrap himself around a tree because he was racing to escape pursuing police cars. He man died because he did not have enough respect to honor the rights of his fellow man to own a car, he died because he did not respect the law (and therefore humanity) enough to admit his own wrong-doing when asked by the flashing lights of a cop car, he died because he had no respect, and he treasured things (whether it be the car or what selling the car for cash to buy things) more than he respected other people or what have you... And I see no reason to mourn his passing. I see no reason why we as a society should even care about his passing enough to allow those that did love him, that did care about him to mourn their loss publically. He was a cancer to society. At least a civilized society.

...But I don't stomp on the memorial, I don't think any less of the people that cared and loved him enough to memorialize the place where he passed from this earth, I don't believe that those that do what he did and live through the consequences should be treated inhumanely or whatever. It's out of respect that I have these thoughts, partly, but also because if I allowed myself to become upset by things like this -- things that do not even effect me personally on any level -- there are so many other things -- some things, even, that do affect me -- that would drive me insane with rage.

In any case, I am rambling, but I am doing so with a point I think. That is, that there are things out there that one should get mad about, things that should make a person furious...but the vast majority of things that we allow ourselves to get worked up about are really rather silly and inconsequential. And that in itself is rather stupid. Treat me unjustly, lie to me, or hurt me and I will be mad...or treat my fellow human beings with that sort of dishonor and I will fight for them if they are weak...but to get mad about other things is just plain ridiculous.

You know, I'm been having epiphany after epiphany lately about life and love and all sorts of shit and I've been selfishly keeping it all to myself. Yeah, I could write about it here. I could go out to coffee with friends and share. But I don't. And I don't fucking care. What's up with that?

I was writing an essay on the meaning of freedom and how liberals and conservatives view it...and I gave it up. Today I had this grand epiphany in regards to humanity's acceptence of fate and how some of us are more susceptiple to fighting for our dignity than others -- or how some are more able to resign to "the way the world works"...but I don't feel like talking about it. I realized not so long ago, that my life is pretty damn good in terms of where my future's going, but I don't feel like rambling on about that either. Truth be told, I just don't fucking care. And I don't know why.

Hmmmm...maybe it's because nobody seems to want to show interest in me. I mean, besides my father, the credit card company, and my deutschefreundin, my phone has rang for no one in a week and a half. No one. My friends that were in Alaska never called to say they returned or anything (something that, I think, is standard in a friendship....at least for me), my friends that stayed in town haven't called at all, hell, I haven't even seen any of my friends in a week and a half. Oh well. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that it's hard to want to share when no one seems interested in having you share, you know? And that's where I am. I think.

I don't know.

So, I haven't been posting that much lately. Truth be told, I just don't have that much to say. Life is dullsville, USA. Dull as a spoon. Dull as whatever else might be comparable dull but isn't coming to mind in my tired state. Truth be told, I can't sleep...it's that time of year when it's kinda warm at night and gets slightly warmer come morning and it all just messes with my body. I wake up easily. Too easily. Haven't been able to sleep in too late. Argh. So, I'm tired and everything is dull. yippee.

I got woke up at nine this morning, a Saturday morning, by a credit card company wanting to tell me that I'm six days behind on my payment. Apparently, my lack of payment is causing a rift in the space-time continuum and somewhere in Middle America there is already a wormhole opening up and swallowing a small town. All because of my lack of funds. At least you'd think so given their calls. But what's ridiculous is that I paid them yesterday. Granted, it was over the computer and blah blah blah, but I did pay them, I paid rthem escessively, just as I told them I would last week when they caleld...it was a matter of needing to get, you know, paid (at least that's the primary means of positive cash flow for me -- I don't know about the people that work these phone jobs), which I did yesterday. But. of course, my paying them didn't take me off their "call 'em Saturday morning to wake them up to tell them that they're six days late and if they don't pay now the wormhole will engulf the entire state of Nebraska" list or whatever they call it. The computer, the one that presumably dials my phone number for them or at least generates my name on a computer screen, isn't in communication with the internet computer, I guess...though the guy that called said "oh, yeah, looks like it's there". "Sorry". Fucking prick, waking me up at 8 on a Saturday because he;s a fucking retard and wants to fucking announce it to the world in his own retarded way. Oh well. Whatever.

You wanna know how out of it I am right now? I forgot that the new Radiohead disc came out on tuesday. Geez. I feel like a dumbass having waited for so long for it and then forgetting...

A friend of someone on WWDN has put up an application to be his girlfriend. I think that's awesome. Read it and enjoy it, make sure you look at the pull down menus for the possible responses...it's very amusing. My goodness, I wish the guy the best of luck. If it works, and he finds a girl that finds it funny and charming and stuff, that'd be perfect. But anyway, I just thought that I'd spread the love a little.

swell...

Recent statements by one of the high-level officials privy to the decisionmaking process that lead to the Iraqi war also strongly suggests manipulation, if not misuse of the intelligence agencies. Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, during an interview with Sam Tannenhaus of Vanity Fair magazine, said: "The truth is that for reasons that have a lot to do with the U.S. government bureaucracy we settled on the one issue that everyone could agree on which was weapons of mass destruction as the core reason." More recently, Wolfowitz added what most have believed all along, that the reason we went after Iraq is that "[t]he country swims on a sea of oil."

Missing Weapons Of Mass Destruction:
Is Lying About The Reason For War An Impeachable Offense?

It's a really good article if you can stomach that it just makes the case that we are ruled by a facist hell-bent on making up stories in order to start killing people in order to satisfy his own megalomanic machismo.

It makes me want to post this site again:

Impeach Bush

Seriously people, this is scary as fuck...even if no one cares. But maybe the fact that no one seems to be upset by it is even scarier. Are we this fucking braindead and bastardized by government propoganda to not be standing up and collectively asking "what the fuck is going on?"????? Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck fuck.

I'm grumpy today.

My favorite activity of the year here where I live is Festival...what is called the largest all-volunteer festival of the arts in the country. It is pretty damn cool. Several stages are set up around town where performances are held every forty-five minutes or so, there are art exhibits, art booths, and, most importantly, food booths set up by local churches and groups. It's not the usual hot dogs and crap that one might expect...well, some of the lamer churches do do that...but there's some fantastic stuff from all over the world. I live in a community large enough to be diverse and have Greeks and Bosnians and Arabs and Asians...and all their food. I stuff myself silly on chicken Tikka each year...and then move on to some other foriegn foods. It's incredible.

But my excitement is short-lived...because every year it seems I end up having to go down there by myself. Today I went after calling people. Some of them couldn't go because of work or having to pack, but others were going and just didn't want to include me in their time. And so I walked down there and got my food, did some people watching, and left...

Yeah, I know it's a sad existence that I lead. But I've come to the point of not caring...I am a good person and if people don't like me, they can go fuck themselves. And I have to have that attitude unfortunately, because if I didn't...I'd be back in the place that I've been able to avoid for months now.

I don't mean that about my friends fucking themselves...I'm sure there's a fine reason why I wasn't invited along. It's just it gets on my nerves sometimes when there always seems to be something else, you know? And it's made worse by the fact that the one person I would have loved to go down there are share the experience with isn't around right now. There were too many couples down there, too many groups of friends. I think I got jealous.

I was a jerk for posting that last post the other night...it wsan't really complete...I don't believe that everyone is stuck in that place as I may have implied...not even close. But then, maybe, it was good that it was in that form...for anyone that reads it and says "geez, I never looked at it that way" is probably stuck in that high school way of thinking whereas people that read it "kyle, you're full of shit" are probably right...at least in how it pertains to themselves. It just really gets me down when I see so much potential in the world wasted on vain and trivial things like lust and greed...and there's a lot of it out there. It's the glowing dots to the gagillion pacmans of the world or whatever...all lined up, gobbling them as they go. egads. I keep talking like this and I'm gonna throw myself into another depression.

Must...listen to...happy...summer...music...

Belle & Sebastian -- A Summer Wasting
Summer in winter
Winter in springtime
You heard the birds sing
Everything will be fine

I spent the summer wasting
The time was passed so easily
But if the summer's wasted
How come that I could feel so free
I spent the summer wasting
The sky was blue beyond compare
A photograph of myself
Is all I have to show for

Seven weeks of river walkways
Seven weeks of staying up all night

I spent the summer wasting
The time was passed so pleasantly
Say cheerio to books now
The only things I'll read are faces
1 spent the summer wasting
Under a canopy of

Seven weeks of reading papers
Seven weeks of river walkways
Seven weeks of feeling guilty
Seven weeks of staying up all night

Summer in winter
Winter is springtime
You heard the bird say
Everything will be fine

The main temp job that I work is at a place that scores open-ended questions for state-standradized tests. It's not that enjoyable, really, but it pays well enough so that's alright. Aside from that, it is very interesting in that I read a lot of kids' thoughts as they try to answer the questions that they've been asked.

Well, the one that I am doing right now has to do with a critique of an awfully written essay by supposed high school student, and I'm reading all sorts of stuff, but one theme keeps occurring every now and then amongst the high school juniors taking the test -- "the real world".

It throws me back to high school and the way that I and my friends would always say, "yeah, high school's this way, but the real world is that way..." or something to that effect. I believed in its existence, I honestly did, and I had grand expectations for its granduer. Hell, I yearned for "the real world" and the way that the things of importance in high school would fade away. I dreamt of a land where people weren't picked on for ridiculously petty things, where it wasn't about who you were dating or what teams you were on, where you didn't have to feel like a loser because you didn't have plans every night, where life was good and you could make of it what you wanted. I couldn't wait. And, when I finally got there, it truly was grand.

But lately I've been thinking about how different it truly is.

I've come to the conclusion that it's not. Life as a twenty-something is still all about who you're dating and what you're social status is, how much money you're making and all of that. The rules are different, but not all that much so. Honestly. And the differences are diminishing by the day.

Friends, and by "friends" in this case I refer to everyone I know that is around my age, still seem stigmatised by their relationship status. If you're not seeing anyone, you're a loser. Certainly, that sort of status does not have the damning influences as they did in high school...but they are there. But if you are seeing someone, or you are in the "dating scene" as it were, the rules are not really any different than in high school. I mean, it's all about tail. It's all about finding someone, "hooking up", and exploiting that person until you get sick of them. In high school the exploitation only lasts a few months because there are no expectations beyond getting laid, but in "the real world" there's much more -- there's the financial aspect, and the family aspect, and the whole "getting your life in order" sort of thing...but it's no different. Not really. I could tell the story of two people meeting and "falling in love" and, if I left out the time periods involved, subesquently breaking up and you'd have no idea if I was talking about high school kids or twenty-somethings. Seriously. Two people meet and make out...they hold hands everywhere they go, spending ridiculous amounts of time together and then start fucking. They talk to each other with stars in their eyes and tell each other that they're in love. They do this, all the while making out and giving head and fucking, until they realize that they're not in love, that they're in lust...what they thought was they're soulmate was nothing but a comfortable slot A for their nob B or vice versa...and they break up. If I said this happened in the course of two months or two years, it could be a high school couple...if I said it occurred over seventeen years it could be my parents. No foolin. It's the same...the mentality is there, nutured in high school, and fed by the pop culture propoganda machine beyond graduation. This is the way it is supposed to be and whether we are fifteen or twenty-five we fall for it. I mean, really, how many marriages between people that get married before twenty-five actually go the distance? Exactly.

But it's not just the dating game. It's everything else too. I mean, as a twenty-six year old I am not expected to be on a sports team at all (though because of my size I have been asked if I am from time to time, even lately)...but the question still arises from strangers, just in a different form from high school: "what do you do?" In school this question was asked in regard to extra-curricular activities, but in "the real world" it is asked in regard to vocation...with similar intent. There are "cool" things to do -- playing football in school or being a banker in "real life" -- and there are "uncool" things to do -- chess club in high school and pizza delivery in "real life". People hear your response and they judge your worth based on it. It's true. If you are "cool" than you get respect from people, if you're "uncool" in what you do you get pandered to...in each place.

Money too is the same. In high school it's all about what brand clothing you wear, what sort of car you drive, and the like. It's not at all different in "the real world". The projection of yourself to the world at large is deemed more important than who you really are. I know of oh so very few women that will go out, even to the grocery store, without wearing make-up. I know of very few guys who don't give a shit about how they look. I'm the only person that I know that would not feel at all self-conscious about driving the piece of shit car that I do...and they would feel self-conscious just because it would mean that other people would think "bad" things about them. It's the same as high school.

Now I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, though I very much do think it is, that people are like this. It's just an observation. As I said, I had always looked forward to getting out of the phoniness of high school existence and into "the real world"...it's just that now I'm noticing that it's not all that "real"....it's the same damn shit just with the stakes raised higher -- emotional, physical, and financial -- and the payouts anted up to match.

It being graduation time, I think it's important to tell the kids of today that their adulthoods of tomorrow are not going to be all that different.

Suicide sucks. I know that seems obvious, but lately it's been playing a part in my life because a couple of people in my life have had friends commit it and it's affecting me. I've never known anyone that's done it, nor even attempted it as far as I know, so this is a new thing for me and it's freaking me out. Like my deutschefreundin, a friend of hers recently checked into the YMCA for a couple days and ended up hanging himself. She doesn't know why, nobody does, and for a little while she was terrified by thoughts of what must have been going through his head while he went through the process of checking in, waiting, and going through the deed. It's all she could talk about. She had no idea he was even upset, let alone so upset to take it to this extreme. A girl on WWDN just went through the same thing too...except it was a closer friend and she's the last person he talked to and she's the one that found the body. She said many of the same things.

I can't imagine being in that position, having a friend do that, especially one that I talk to often and deeply and never knew anything was wrong. I mean, how can someone bottle those sorts of feelings up so tight? It would be one thing if they were a recluse or had no friends to talk to, but I know that if ever I felt that way a friend would be able to talk me out of it no problem...just knowing that someone cares would be enough to put away any desire to destroy myself. I think. THings might suck still, but at least being able to talk to someone would give me hope, no? So why don't these people do it?

Both of the people that I've listened to have said that they feel somewhat guilty for having not been able to stop them...they have both said that if their friends had talked to them about their problems that they would have been willing and able to lift them out of that dark, dark place. But they weren't given that chance. WHich I think is one of the things that makes suicide so incredibly selfish and evil...that it can do that to someone else, especially since the ones that it hurts the most are the ones that love you the most. I don't know.

I guess it just goes to show how much we, as people, need friends. Without them, without open channels of communication and the like, we are capable of doing really bad things.

Wow, I just learned something from reading this blog. I can stop worrying and keeping my eye on sketchy-looking foreigners because we're back down to super-special-cool code yellow on the terror threat.

My goodness is this site informative!

now comment damn you comment... :)

I finally got to go karaoke again tonight. It was only one song, but at least it was something. I've come to the realization that I need to do that, that it's good for me. I am a shy, shy, shy person and I am constantly trying to fight the desire to slink back into the corner of the room and try to avoid people, to avoid confrontation and whatever else. I just don't like being in the limelight...at all. If it is at all possible, I am too humble.

But for whatever reason -- probably love of music -- I have no problem getting up in front of a large group of drunken strangers and singing. I'm not all that good, not so bad as to get people to cover their ears, but good enough to have confidence in myself. And that's what's good about it for me, I think. I am a very confident person but, for whatever reason, I don't feel comfortable showing that confidence anywhere...but at the bar. Go figure. And I have found that ever since I first got up there and sang, that the other areas of my life have gotten better...I think as a result.

And so I feel this need to do it...for my own benefit and growth. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to do it too much lately. No one will go with me. I've gone from once a week or so to, like, once a month and it's affecting me. It's weird that something so lame as karaoke would mean so much to me, I know, but it does. Anyway, I was able to go out with others that were doing so -- well, not really, but it was a birthday "party" at a bar that happened to have karaoke tonight -- and I feel much better. thank you very much.