I need to stop this blabbering...

So, howabout those Jets?

I feel I need to explain the post from yesterday, but at the same time I think that it would get too personal if I did. Suffice to say, I watched the movie Amalie and the plot of the entire movie seemed to mimic my life to a tee...aside from the happy ending. I once was in love, and we played a silly little game in coming together, but things took a turn and I have not seen her in years. A broken heart, it seems, takes a long, long time to heal completely, especially if you have spent so long pushing away the hurt with excuse-making and blame-setting. Amalie brought back bad memories of that time as well as the fact that countless times in the past I have been too naive, too blind to see that a girl here or there was showing interest in me.

Also, I have gotten e-mails lately offering me help from very kind people that read this blog...please do not be worried about me, I am okay. This sort of public discourse, however one-sided, is just my way of airing out issues in my head -- a sort of forcing myself to commit to ideas rather than dwell in a stew of wishy-washy ponderings. I do, however, truly appreciate the concern that you have shared. Thank you.

Some may see my topic of discussion lately as being a cry out in loneliness, but really it is not. I don't think so at least. I truly feel pain when I see people chasing ghosts, that is, false cures for their disease. Too many people have deep, deep holes in their souls that they try to fill with money or drugs, sex or love, power or fame thinking that that will solve their problems. And often times, they think it works, a placebo effect maybe, but I sense their emptiness still, their pain -- even if they do not. It pains me to see people in that mindset. But helping others through their problems helps me avoid my own, at least for a little which is alright because I don't like dealing with my own problems anyway (and who does?). It's just one of those things that ties me even more to that stupid little French film that screwed up my life...

I cried last night for the first time in I don't know how long. I never really realized how many times I have screwed myself out of happiness in my almost twenty-six years, but I have done it more times than I can count to without breaking down.

And then it occurred to me, maybe for some being with someone is a sort of addiction, a sort of "habit" they picked up in their teens that they just can't shake...the fact that there's always been someone there for them and the thought of being without that sort of safety net is scary as hell. The idea of being just themselves is unbearable. I wouldn't know about that given the fact that no-one has ever been willing to give me a shot in that department, so it's all conjecture, I guess. But it still aches to see people feel that way, not too unlike the way I feel when I see an extremely alcoholic friend of mine order that third pitcher of beer for himself at the bar. I don't know...I just don't know. Perhaps that is normal and my view of life is absurd. Perhaps I should not be upset when seeing friends playing this sort of life-scale game of duck-duck-goose with their hearts and instead find happiness in what they claim is happiness, even though it makes no sense to me.

But then I think about my alcoholic friend and how he claims that that third pitcher of beer makes him happy even though he almost choked on his own vomit three weeks ago and I tell myself that maybe I should be worried for my friends, so at least someone is in their absence of un-smitten mind.

It's times like this that I sometimes wish I could give back all that God has given me that sets me apart -- makes me me -- just so I can have the ability to live life and appreciate what it offers without fucking analyzing it, or worse, burdan the pain of my friends.

and now for something completely different...

I need to stop meddling in the lives of other people. Especially friends. I think it pisses them off, especially since I think that a lot of them see it not as the honest concern or advice that it is, but as some sort of jealousy or criticism. I don't know, it's just that after my family, my friends are the most important things to me in the world.

It's just that I tend to take on my friends' problems, absorbing them into my already endless litany of problems. Whatever it is, money concerns or health concerns, schooling or family, whatever. But, it's been especially so when it comes to relationships lately. I suppose that it doesn't help that most of my friends are female. Being a guy, and especially being a guy that can read people quite well, I have a certain perspective that they don't have when it comes to that all important arena of life. It kills me inside to see my friends worked up about the things, whether it be a wanting to be in one when they really aren't ready, be in a relationship with the wrong sort of guy, or whatever. For instance, I have a friend right now that claims she wants me. At first I thought it was a joke, now I think it's real. I try to tell her that she doesn't want me (a relationship between us would last approximately three days...she and I wanting totally different things), that she doesn't need to have a guy, but she won't listen to me. That makes for akward conversation to say the least, not to mention the fact that I feel I need to distance myself from her.

Another friend is one to constantly bitch about the guys she's dated...most, if not all, guys she's met in bars. She hooks up, gets pissed with him, and then moves onto another bar guy. It never stops. She talks about how men are pigs and all that, but she never realizes that guys that pick up women in bars tend to be that way. She won't listen when I tell her that not all guys are like that (I sure ain't) but then she hooks up again. She's at it right now, even as I write. I guess she has an obsessive need to be with someone, but that just isn't right. I just can't get it through to her that she's a good person even without a guy on her arm...she just goes on about how she's "fat" and all that other glossy magazine inspired shit.

Another friend has me concerned for entirely other reasons, though she may read this so I won't go into anything close to detail (howdy there!).

And there are others...many, many others throughout my life.

But I guess it all comes down to one thing -- this feeling that all of my female friends seem to have that they need to be with someone to be somehow whole. To be "normal" or something. They go out of there way to hook up with someone, anyone, even if they feel that it's for the wrong reasons or they know that they're in this cycle of longing and desire. They refuse to sit down and examine their lives, LIVE their lives, and really figure out what they want for themselves. They seem to push aside the desire to be individuals, instead opting to be one-half of a couple. Most (and by that I mean all but two) of my woman-friends have been no more than two months or so outside of a relationship since they were in their teens and the two that have been, obsess about it constantly. And I just don't see how that can possibly be emotionally, inetellectually, spiritually, or even physically healthy. I've said it once and I'll say it again...you gotta be.

I certainly hate to make it sound like I'm picking on women here, but the thing is, I see it as being more disconcerting on their parts. Maybe it's because most of my friends are women and those are the friends of whom's problems I deal with more often, maybe it's because most of my male friends tend to keep relationships in perspective -- both not having this seemingly overwhelming desire to be in one and this ability to maintain a balance of their own lives once they are. Maybe it's because most of my male friends have long term girlfriends or, like me, are super-confirmed bachelors without a chance in hell of getting themselves in the position to have girl problems.

I don't know, I'm just dealing with a lot of different friends' problems in terms of relationships and it's just eating me up inside, draining me of emotional energy and a willingness to do what I need to do for myself (for instance, I take the LSATs in nine days and I have not prepared myself as well as I should have). I have this fucking curse upon me which makes me feel all too aware of other peoples' problems, especially those of those I care about, and I just can't shake it. Anyway, I don't mean to sound like a creep or anything, but I really needed to get that off my chest...I mean, I almost posted something merely about how I don't understand women and the like, but I really want to figure this shit out. Help me here, I'm dyin'!

I am sick of being a whiny little no one. I'm tired of feeling let down by everyone in my life. I am tired of being broke, of having no idea where my life is going, of not being able to find contentment in anything that I am doing. I'm sick of not feeling well. I'm sick of listening to the troubles of others. I'm fed up with the life that I'm living right now.

Problem is, I don't know how to change, or even if I really want to. I like me, I really do, but there has got to be more to life than what it presents to me. I do not want to be like everybody else and yet I don't feel comfortable playing the role of bizzaro-everyone. I want to be me, but I need to find some acceptence in being me. I have to throw off this mask that I wear, the dual-purpose creation of moi that I have to both scare others away and keep myself below everyone else's radar, and yet I want to keep my individuality at all costs.

I want to fall in love, and yet I don't want to fall into the trap of giving up "kyle" instead becoming half of a "we", "us", or "them". I want to feel like I'm important to someone else, the most important someone else in someone else's life. I want a most important someone in my life. However, I don't want to be stuck in the "I need you to be happy" land of some hapless girl's dreamscape. I want to be happy, I want to be free, I want to be with someone that loves me for who I am and isn't afraid to have me love them unconditionally in return. I want to feel not needed so much as wanted, to have someone that thinks of me when I'm gone, but not too much, not knocking-on-the-window-at-three-in-the-morning obsessively, just enough to bring a smile to her face long enough so that her smile will bring a smile to mine whenever I may see her next.

And, in the end, I just want to be.

Sorry, just an exercise in free writing there...just wanted to see what was on my mind, and I guess I realize it now...which, on the side note, leads me to the plea for anyone out there in cyber-land that knows of a nice girl (and by nice, I mean the independent, strong-minded, not-quite-to-the-point-of-hating-all-men feminist, and yet strangely cutesy girlish girl), by all means, send her this way.

3 Retired Generals Warn of Peril in Attacking Iraq Without Backing of U.N.
From the article:
Three retired four-star American generals said today that attacking Iraq without a United Nations resolution supporting military action could limit aid from allies, energize recruiting for Al Qaeda and undermine America's long-term diplomatic and economic interests.

In other words, we go into Iraq and we end up with more terrorists and screwed up relations with the rest of the world...which would seem to me to lead to more attacks on us with no sympathy (and therefore less help) from our once-upon-a-time allies. Gee, getting rid of Saddam really does sound like a great idea.

The only thing left, it seems, before the United States of America is declared an Empire on par with Rome is for George Duhbya to declare himself a deity (from his dad's or mom's side, I do not know) and, well, that's about it. The newly issued "Bush doctrine" for foriegn policy reads like something out of the Victorian age when the European powers were carving up and taking seconds and thirds of Africa, Asia, and South America in the name of the spread of advancing civilization and demolishing barbarism. Bush has changed those ideas into ones of spreading "freedom" (my question is pre-September 11 freedom, or post...or even pre-November 2000 freedom when presidents were elected and not selected by one's father's appointments?) and "free trade", but aside from that, there's nothing to set them apart. Bush has finally come out and said "we intend to make the world like us, if they don't, we will blow them up before they can do something bad to us"...which is pretty much what Rome did two thousand years ago. The thing is, once that didn't work, they sent in the armies and took them over, appointing their own chosen leaders, and making the people act "Roman". The U.S., it seems, is headed down that road...at least the way I see it. Anyway, Salon has a good overview of opinions around the world on the matter. It's a good read.

Finally, tropical storm Kyle and it isn't going to do anything. Something deep down wanted it to become a big storm so that everyone would say stuff like "did you hear about Kyle?", "Oh oh, Kyle's coming, we better board up the windows!", and "Kyle killed my father". I know it's sorta sick for me to think such thoughts, but it would just be kinda cool...I guess I'm desentized to the violence or something. But, alas, it doesn't seem like it's going to be. Instead, people are saying "Look at Kyle, out there in the middle of the freakin' ocean dancing around like a fairy"...okay, maybe not, but it's still embarassing...I mean Isidore is such a wimpy name (at least in comparison to the super macho name Kyle) and everyone shaking in their boots. Arrr. Me hates the sea and everything in it.

I haven't been reading enough of the news lately I guess. The other day, actually a week or so ago, I was watching the Fox News channel when they reported a "homicide bombing" in Israel. "Homicide" bombing? Really? I had to take a double take on that one...maybe they mispoke or something, but then they said it again. "Huh?" I said out loud, I think. It piqued my interest enough to research it a bit, and as it turns out many of the more "right-leaning" news spots are using the term rather than the traditional "suicide bombers". In fact, as far as I can tell, it started with a statement by Ari Fleischer that I found in the oh so credible NewsMax site back in April: "They are not suicide bombings. They should be called homicide bombings."

The problem is, of course, is that these people are indeed "suicide bombers". They are killing themselves -- "Suicide" -- while setting off bombs -- "bombers". Etymologically, it's right on and not that difficult to understand. I mean, the term has been used for a long, long time for those who would blow themselves up in the presence of "the enemy" whether it be kamikazi pilots in WWII or little village girls in Vietnam. Suicide bombers is what they are but there are some that feel some need to spin the action to make it sound more horrible than it already is (as if suicide is glorified in our society) in order to underscore the fact that these people are killing people with the redundancy that these people aren't just bombing, they're killing people too. Perhaps their listeners (and in Ari Fleischer's case, that pretty much means the media en masse) don't understanding that when someone straps a bomb to themselves and lets it go off in a crowded area they are intending on killing as many people as possible (i.e. "homicide") and so it needs to be explained with spun redundancy. I don't know. All I do know is that's it's a stupid trend in news that makes me question if the little bit of trust I have in the media's "objectivity" is too much. I see this little thing (as well as others -- such as the labels given to either side of the abortion debate depending on the view of the reporting like "pro-choice" or "pro-abortion" versus "pro-life" or "anti-choice") and it's really disgusting. Either Fox News (and many other news outlets out there) think the public at large is too stupid to understand what exactly a "suicide bomber" does OR they are trying to spin the situation, making the Palestinians look more monstrous and (oh the catch-word of the 43rd presidency) "evil" and therefore less human and deserving of a sympathetic ear. Yeah, people that blow up innocent people are real ass holes, and are probably burning in Hell as we speak...but this style of reporting seems to degrade the Palestinian people as a whole, homicide being a more barbaric notion to our instincts perhaps, at least more barbaric than blowing oneself up for a cause on believes in. Or something.

oh shit...and I was just starting to get back to liking it here.

While I'm here, can I just say that the news cycle is just too damn quiet, like something's a-brewing? I don't know, the cable news channels are all blabbering on with the question of "should we invade Iraq?" which I answered long ago and that's about it, the on-line news is all very uninteresting. It's like Karma's holding back like tectonic plates ready to let loose all at once in a 9.8 earthquake downtown Tokyo or something. Oh well.

Okay, so I finally have internet access at home. We put the fucking order in for telephone service THREE WEEKS ago and it got hooked up today. So anyway, anyone that can choose TDS METROCOM for phone service, DON'T unless you got lotsa time to not have a phone. It's all good not having a phone for phone calls, since I use my cell phone, but damn do I miss having daily internet access.

Anyway, I just feel like posting a life lesson for all the kids that read this blog on a regular or semi-regular basis. The topic, of course, is the meaning of life. I'm not saying that I have any particular expertise in the matter, but I am a pretty observant guy and all, and I've been noticing a lot of shit in the world lately that's gotten me on the subect. It's just that I see a lot of hatred, A LOT of hatred out there, what with the lust that so many of my fellow Americans have for killing tens, hundreds, or thousands of thousands of Iraqis just because one psycho, ONE, might, MIGHT, have the capability to MAYBE make a weapon or two that he MIGHT use against Americans. Yeah, Saddam's an ass, but the thing is, invasion will just piss of thousands more to the point that we might get tens of Saddams, Mohammed Attahs, or Osama bin Ladens. But I digress...

The thing that's really gotten me going is just watching ordinary people on the streets, at bars, at the store and everywhere else. Hell, just thinking about them has gotten me going. So many of them, maybe some of you even, are so caught up in things that they're missing the big picture. I mean, so many people live for such things as money or sex or "stuff" or any host of material possesions. Others live for hate, wanting to destroy anything that they can't deem "holy" or good. I don't know, it's sad, really. There's so much more to life than getting a good job or getting laid or married, or buying shit. There just is. I mean, that kind of stuff is all nice and all, but it won't get you anywhere, at least not in the heart.

I don't know, I see a lot of people in pain. Not so much in the physical sense, obviously, but in the spiritual/emotional sense. So many people trying to fill the proverbial "God shaped hole" with drugs and orgasms. It tears me apart inside. I want to tell people how they can help themselves, but they don't listen. They got it all figured out, they say, but they just keep shoveling the shit in there, never getting anyewhere but convincing themselves that they're "moving on up" all the time nonetheless. I fdon't know. People just don't seem to get that there's more to life, that there's something better than what all the Gap commericals and glossy magazines tell us. Something more than even what they teach at churches, temples, and mosques...at least as has been my experience. I mean, so much is put into the idea of action, of "doing" something that will bring happiness, that the whole idea of just being is lost. The whole notion that we are each and every one of else an individual with our own centers of conciousness and our own sets of dreams and ambitions, ideals and beliefs, needs and desires, is lost on the masses. What we want is what we think we want. What we think we want is what we're told we want. What we're told we want is what can benefit someone, somewhere -- whether that benefit be monetary, social, or otherwise. The whole idea of being has been thrown out the window with the bath water and the baby. We have been made into Consumers. Not just of stuff, but of everything -- notions of love, ideas of democracy, beliefs in worldview -- and no longer does anyone have the time to really sit back and appreciate the fact that they simply exist.

What I'm getting at is that existence itself is a beautiful thing. I mean, you are the sole possessor of your thoughts and dreams. You are the sole possessor of YOU. That may sound corny, but the fact of the matter is that when you die, so will your dreams, so will your beliefs, so will your thoughts and emotions. They all exist because of you. You are their sustainers, their providers, their purpose. And so many people dog them out in order to fit in with whatever the fucking pricks on Madison Avenue or in editorial offices or fashion studios around the world is "cool" or, more radically, "important". You don't need to wear the right clothes, date the right people, drink the right drinks, or even, more deeply, worship who or what they say is the right god, believe what they tell you is the "truth", or think of yourself what they tell you you should. You gotta follow your heart, and search out your own truths, they're in there, you just gotta dig them them out, however hard that might be. And believe me, I've done that myself. I've gone through periods of my life where I gave up on everything that I knew -- I shoved away friends that I was friends with for the worng reasons, I gave up belief in a God that I believed in for the wrong reasons, I gave up everything I believed about society because of the wrong reasons -- but the thing is, I came back from that dismal place and became a better person because of it. I got better friends, ones that honestly cared about. I reaffirmed belief in God in my own terms and without dogma that has strengthened my faith in such a way that I can't remember the last time I doubted that He existed. I learned compassion and, most importantly, the power of agape Love and how much power one feels when he forgoes hate, remorse, and all those other negative emotions that bring a person down. I became a better person and I believe for the life of me that that was because I gave up, I surrendered, all that I knew and allowed new, purer, thoughts to reshape me as I am today...and I honestly believe that I am a damn good person today and I would never go back and not walk down that dark, dark passage again, painful as it might have been. Though I may doubt myself, and even be depreessed most of the time, I am honest to God happy with the person that I am today and though there are aspects of my life that may be screwy, sad, or downright depressing, I think that I am happy.

And there we come to it, the meaning of life. That is, "happiness". Happiness, of course, is itself a tricky subect that many could and have written volumes on. But I think it can all be simplified...be true to yourself, do what you feel is right, and never, ever let anyone take over your thoughts or emotions for you and you'll find it. Want will dissappear and in its place you will find a sort of peacefullness, or at least a shorter list of needs. Life becomes less complicated, more able to be handled, and in the end, simpler.

I don't know, this has been a long post, but I just wanted to get that out. There are people in my life that need to hear what I've said, and I'm sure billions out there that I don't know that could stand to hear it too.

Now get back to whatever you were doing before reading all the way down to here. Please?

Overview of Changes to Legal Rights

By The Associated Press

September 5, 2002, 11:44 AM EDT

Some of the fundamental changes to Americans' legal rights by the Bush administration and the USA Patriot Act following the terror attacks:

* FREEDOM OF ASSOCIATION: Government may monitor religious and political institutions without suspecting criminal activity to assist terror investigation.

* FREEDOM OF INFORMATION: Government has closed once-public immigration hearings, has secretly detained hundreds of people without charges, and has encouraged bureaucrats to resist public records requests.

* FREEDOM OF SPEECH: Government may prosecute librarians or keepers of any other records if they tell anyone that the government subpoenaed information related to a terror investigation.

* RIGHT TO LEGAL REPRESENTATION: Government may monitor federal prison jailhouse conversations between attorneys and clients, and deny lawyers to Americans accused of crimes.

* FREEDOM FROM UNREASONABLE SEARCHES: Government may search and seize Americans' papers and effects without probable cause to assist terror investigation.

* RIGHT TO A SPEEDY AND PUBLIC TRIAL: Government may jail Americans indefinitely without a trial.

* RIGHT TO LIBERTY: Americans may be jailed without being charged or being able to confront witnesses against them.

Sorry, I stole this from Newsday by way of Tom Tomorrow who got it via Television's Wil Wheaton. But I wish I would've taken the time to compound it myself.

To prove my willingness to move away from this talk of anguish, here is a piece from last week that's worth the read and quite accurate to my feelings as well. :

Case for invading Iraq is full of holes

I hae been searching for an analogy for how I feel for the past couple weeks, but haven't been able to come up with anything but this. Enjoy.

The one thing that I could come up with that seemed to fit was cleaning products. You know, Mr. Clean, Fantastik, Lysol, and all of those. Those and that old "recipe" that you heard from your mom, your aunt, read in some magazine or book or whatever, it doesn't matter where, just that it's some conglomeratation of household ingredients that work on anything. You know, the fallback for when the nationally advertised packaged stuff doesn't work. The vinegar mix that will work after all the others have failed. The stuff that you forget about except in moments of desparation. That's me.

In recent months I have discovered that I play the role of the "always there when you need him, can always count on that if all else fails" friend in peoples' lives. You know, the guy that female friends come to after their jerk boyfriend has treated them like shit but before they find some almost identical jerk with which to start over with. The guy that male friends call upon when there's no game to watch with the regular guys and no chick to wine and dine into bed. I don't know why this is the case. I'm a good person, obviously, if they feel safe with me, as they act like they do, but it's like I'm not a good enough person to be number one in someone's life.

I guess it all flows from my loneliness, in the romantic department, the majority of these feelings do. I mean, throughout my life I have played the role of understanding male friend when the girls of my life have dealt with bad guys, unfit guys, or anything of the sort. So many times I have heard those words: "If I wasn't seeing anyone right now, Kyle, I'd love to go out with you, but..." or "You're a wonderful person, but..." or any other buts that have just driven me insane. If I'm so fucking wonderful, or whatever, why is it that any time one of these girls turns to a friend to be "more than a friend"...it's not me? It's happened quite a few times lately. It kills me. Several of the female friends, some with whom I'm close, have started dating male friends, OTHER male friends, male friends that aren't as nice, not as understanding, not as caring as me (at least evidenced by the fact that it has been me that they've turned to for support and the like in the past)...but not me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just whining, maybe I am just fucking repulsive to other people. Maybe I'm only good for talk and emotional support. Maybe I'm only worthwhile to people in small doses. I don't know. All I know is that I am really longing for a good friend, and a girlfriend, these days. Someone that I can lean on in my time of need, someone to play the role in my life that I generally fill for others. But anyway, I think that's the last thing that's really been on my nerves lately. I think I'm ready to stop with the depression theme that this blog has taken on lately. I promise I'll stop soon. I've just needed to get all of this stuff out. Sorry.

Things have been getting better in my head the last couple of days. Friday night I had a sort of panic attack and had to leave a party for awhile, go to a bar, and then had to leave the bar right away. I think that was because of too many people though, nothing more. Maybe. Anyway, I've been able to talk to a couple people about my problems and that's helped a lot, also to talk to a couple of friends who've had their own problems that I've sort of transferred over to myself (I hate that I do that, take on guilt, pain, and confusion on behalf of friends, but I do, too much) and that's helped too. Anyway, I see a bright side to life again and that ain't bad. Anyway, I just wanted to let the few who read this blog know that I think I'm pulling out of this. It's been two weeks or so, at least for the really dark part of the tunnel, but it will hopefully be over soon. Thank God.

As for as regular updates (and the witty commentary on current events that all the kids love), I will be without internet access in the new place for another week yet, so it will very likely be a week before I write again. Just so no one thinks I'm abandoning this popsicle stand.