a google ewwwwwww....

I guess I show up on the 15th page of a google search for "feeling my roommates boner"

Isn't that swell?

Or should I say, "swelled"? Swollen maybe?

Sorry. Couldn't resist the joke. But it does beg the question: why can't this blog show up with "super-cool awesome" or something? Oh well, now maybe it will.

blogs, blogs, everywhere

Lately there has been a slew of "celebrity" blogs hitting the net though in a really obscure way...First there was the Andy Kaufman blog which made it's way into the internet news a couple weeks ago...supposedly written by the man himself, 20-years to the month of his death, seemingly coming back as he promised he would, when he promised he would.

Then there's "Rance" who is supposedly a Hollywood celebrity that publishes his/her blog anonymously so as to not end up on the streets selling fruit. Rance may be Owen Wilson, Ben Afflack, George Clooney, or any of a bunch of names thrown out by the media that is really starting to pick up the story of this yahoo and run with it (Hell, looking at Yahoo's buzz, Rance is the number 2 searched for term on the internet).

In any case, that's sort of what I don't like about the internet...it's anonymity. I mean, I know that I am on a first name basis here and avoid mentioning too much to make it obvious who I am in real life, but I am a nobody and no one should really care who I really am at all. My opinion is of no consequence except to those that choose to hear it. That's not to say that a dead comedian or anonyomous actor's opinion means much either, but invoking those ideas brings someone that much more sway. You know?

And people speculate as to whether Andy Kaufman really lives or if Rance is really who he says he is, knowing damn well that both are more than likely some pimpled up 23-year-old college dropout living in his parents' basement jerking off to the dillusions of ganduer he has of himself having tricked so many to come look at his little slice of internet, not unlike the jollies gotten by a greasy old man flasher in a trenchcoat getting off on the exhibition of his two-inch schlong to any and all female passers-by. Bah...off on one of my tagents there. Sorry.

I don't know, there's more compelling stuff out there to read. If you want celebrity, I read Wil Wheaton's blog, but Margaret Cho has a well-read blog, as do a bunch of other celebs that I don't have the addy bookmarked. They are for real, and much more interesting in my opinion.

still offline

Well, actually, I'm online right now at home on my computer...but I haven't been able to turn it on for the past three days or so because the stupid thing can't find my operating system. Now it can suddenly...yay. But it probably won't again come tomorrow or the next day I'm sure so I'm just posting to say that.

ehehe...not much going on in my life this past week though. I started work again on Tuesday which should last a few weeks, and have been running around like a chicken with his head cut off ever since. It is swell to be getting my 8 miles of bicycling in every day on my way home (for some reason it's about a hundred times easier when I have a destination) and also that the rain hasn't been falling like it was.

As a side note, I have heard that Lake Michigan rose TWO INCHES in a FIVE DAY span of time in the last week because of all the rain that the Midwest has been getting lately. The total was something like TRILLIONS of gallons of rain water. That's crazy.

sup?

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile, I've been having computer problems. I thought that they were virus-related, but it's looking more and more like a maintainence issue (and therefore something I can do or ask a friend to do for free or cheap) and it's actually going in and out of working condition, so I hope to be back online again soon.

dead tired

I got to do some warehouse work today. It was splendid. Anyway, I decided to just bike the 8 miles to work which I don't usually do because I really don't want to get there all sweaty and stuff, but I figured since I'd probably get sweaty anyway (and it was just the guys there), I wouldn't worry about it. Then I did some heavy lifting for a few hours followed by a bike ride the 8 miles back home. I get here, take a shower, fall into bed as soon as I got out and fell asleep. I love that shit. It feels good.

On the other side of the coin, I qualified for Who Wants to be a Super-Millionaire and so I am hoping against the odds that Regis gives me a call tomorrow (given the numbers they have, I figure I have a 0.1% chance of being called, but, hey). That'd be sweet if I got on. I want to be a super millionaire after all...that way I could buy a suit of armor and walk around town carrying a fish and such. Slapping people with it. That'd be doubly sweet.

stop raining already!

So I have this most horrible four-week lay-off thing going on (which I only have 7 work days still off, thank God) and one of the things that I wanted to do was bike up to my dad's placea good 25-30 miles north of here. Well, anyone living in the Midwest knows what the weathers been like and the two hours that I would have to give myself (though it'd probably take an hour and a half or so) just can't be found without there being a decent risk of a crazy-ass thunderstorm with lightning all over the place and downpours and winds and all that just popping up out of nowhere. I think we've had one every day. So I haven't been able to go. It SUCKS.

Anyhoo. This weekend a cold front's finally going to move through which (without going through the meterology of the whole thing which makes me sound like the biggest nerd EVER) will make the temps drop and the humidity drop and therefore make the thunderstorms stop and the clouds to come out. Fantastic. So maybe I'll be able to get up there after all...

But you'll see. Watch me get completely wasted tonight so that I don't feel up to it tomorrow. Just watch me do that.

my crack cocaine d'jour

You know those albums that for years stay buried someplace where it's just sort of out of site and therefore out of mind only to come to the surface, find their way to your CD player, and end up being played over and over again because you just can't get enough of it? All the while that this is going on, you can't help but always question why it was you had allowed yourself to forget this masterpiece existed and how much better your life could have been through those long years of it being buried alive had you remembered? Yeah, I've been going through that the last couple days with the Boo Radley's C'Mon Kids. I think I've listened to it, on average, two times a day since Saturday. I'm on the third time today and I've only been awake for 4 hours (I had to throw in some of Travis' 12 Memories in there too..."Beautiful Occupation", "Peace the Fuck Out," "Mid-Life Crisis", and a couple other tracks lure me to that disk to). Ugh.

For those who may not know of them, they are sort of a birt-pop/psychodelic rock hybrid of sorts. I can definitely hear some of the Oasis/Blur sort of sound (though the Boo Radley's predate them) along with some 60's Brit Rock influences like the Beetles and Kinks...but there's also some of that funk and electronic stuff that makes the Flaming Lips kick ass and take names like they do. Heck, there's even some Pixies sort of rocking going on too. I don't know, it's worth checking out if you're into these other bands I mention, but it seems like it's hard to find...neither Columbia House nor BMG carry it in their record clubs (though I believe it was through Columbia House I bought it several years ago) and Amazon only has it in it's import incarnation. In any case, I felt the need to swap out the Bob Woodward book with this disk over there to the left. (Though I'm sure eBay has some good deals on it, maybe not though since it's semi-rare)

The comment box is open for anyone having similar experiences with other albums. I personally get real excited hearing about other people's similar music experiences, you know? I am such a closeted music FREAK.

better than porn

I won't say anything, I don't need to, the article speaks all it's gloriousness for itself so no editoralizing is necessary.

Frank Newport, editor in chief of the Gallup poll, said Bush's slowly sinking job approval rating, down to 46 percent in his latest survey, was similar to the dropping trajectory of the last three incumbents to lose their elections -- George Bush, the current president's father, Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford.

In contrast, the five most recent incumbent presidents who won their elections never dipped below 50 percent in their job approval rating at any point in the election year, he said.

"The Bush campaign has to be concerned and worried at this point," Newport said. "When you look at the trend, you certainly see that Bush is beginning to track the trajectory of the three losing presidents rather than the winners."

our long national nightmare is over

For a month now there has been nothing new coming from the California porn industry aside from some lame-ass hand job flicks that, frankly, weren't all that good. But now it has been announced that the AIDS-scare moratorium has been lifted! Fluffers, start your engines...

nick berg

It is disturbing what happened to Nick Berg, the man who was viciously beheaded in Iraq earlier today. I can't imagine the feelings that his parents and friends must be going through. The story though, goes much deeper.

I found this article cached by google (because it's from the Philidelphia Enquirer's site which requires registration) written just three days ago and talking about how he had been released from the custody of the Iraqi police a month ago and then jsut sort of disappeared. It's a sad read knowing what has happened, but it puts a more human face on this tragedy.

It also raises a question as to why the military didn't do something for the guy once he was released from custody...it would seem his imprisonment would make him something of a target. But then, now's not the time to really question things.

have i mentioned lately that john mccain kicks ass?

This is from an article about what Sen. James Inhofe, the self-subscribed enbodiment of Oklahoman values, had to say about his "outrage at the outrage" over this whole prisoner photo mess has caused ("I am also outraged that we have so many humanitarian do-gooders right now crawling all over these prisons looking for human rights violations, while our troops, our heroes are fighting and dying."):

Sen. John McCain, an Arizona Republican who was a prisoner of war in Vietnam, referred ironically to "humanitarian do-gooders" as he asked a panel of military officials whether the United States should have signed the Geneva Convention governing war prisoners.

When the officials answered yes, McCain continued in a facetious vein: "Why do you think we should? Because ... this keeps us from getting information that may save American lives. This is a restraint by humanitarian do-gooders. Why don't we just throw them in the trash can and do whatever's necessary?"

McCain said he feared future U.S. prisoners of war could face "very serious consequences" if U.S. forces "somehow convey the impression that we've got to do whatever is necessary and humanitarian do-gooders have no place in this arena."

So much wisdom there. Could someone please explain to me why W. beat him in the 2000 Republican primaries?

tiptoeing to understanding

Man, I am having severe allergy problems today. I don't know why exactly though I suspect it may have to do with the fact that it's been raining a lot for the past few days and there's probably some major mold action going on... Where's a late deep frost when you need one?

Anyway, in between naps today I was watching CNN and heard of a poll done in which people were asked whether they see President Bush as a uniter or a divider. Forty-nine percent said that he was a divider, but a full 48% said that they felt that he was a uniter. You know, most polls do not have a correct answer...well, perhaps those that ask "do you believe that Iraq had their hand in on the 9/11 attacks?" or some such thing, but this one is another.

Back during the Clinton presidency, through high school and the first two years of college, I was a very active member of the young republicans, president of the group my senior year in high school, and was very, very spiteful of Bill Clinton. I was glued to the television during the Monicagate scandal and excited as a little girl ready to open a pony-shaped present on her birthday. I read books like The Impeachment of William Jefferson Clinton: A Political Docu-Drama and listened to Rush Limbaugh almost religiously. That said, I thought I knew what it meant to have a president in office that made my blood boil and almost wish that I lived somewhere else.

That all changed in 2001.

I grew out of the republican thing for whatever reason and voted for Nader in 2000 because he most closely embodied my political beliefs. I didn't let the Gore-ites' cries of "throwing my vote away to Bush" get to me because I really didn't like either of the too guys. Yeah, Gore would've been better, but Bush couldn't be that bad. Hmmph. Though Monday night quarterbacking might tell me that I screwed up (well, not really since Gore won Michigan by six-figures), I don't have a time machine and so don't really blame myself for voting as I did. Heck, short of having a time-machine or even just a two-year ahead pre-edition of the newspapers (like that show that used to be on CBS), I don't think there's much of anything that would've changed my mind on the subject matter.

But now I know, and I know what it feels like to live in a country heading in the precisely opposite direction of where you'd like it to be going. Bush has shown this to me in ways that Clinton could have only dreamed. Now I can't see Bush on the TV (or Cheney or Rumsfeld or Ashcroft for that matter) without audibly expressing choice four letter words and saluting the screen with a violently shaking middle finger. It is my three minutes hate everytime I watch the news. And it is for many, many, many others.

Which brings me back to that poll. Forty-eight percent of Americans view president Bush as a uniter, rather than a divider. That sentence may as well be written as "48% of Americans have their head in the sand" or "48% of Americans are getting an up-close look at their rectum" because they are unashamedly wrong in their assessment of the state of this union...or at least the attitudes of their fellow citizenry. There is a large portion of this country that feels as I do -- that Bush is an idiot who is taking us down a very dangerous path towards dark places we will regret in the very near future. There are plenty of us that very much oppose the war in Iraq (and we're growing with this prisoner abuse scandal that's starting to develop a feel of a possible Tea Pot Dome for president Bush), millions of us that oppose the Patriot Act and Ashcroft's heavy-handed policing style, millions that oppose his tax cuts, his half-trillion (plus) deficit, his environmental deregulations, his favors to corporate America, and all the rest. There are plenty of us Americans that probably have developed blood pressure problems over these past three and a half years and I can tell you from personal experience that it's all a much more intense and sickening feeling than every I had when Bill Clinton was in the White House.

Uniters don't have that sort of affect on people. In California, as CNN also reported, Arnold has an approval rating of 89% of Republicans and 59% of Democrats. That, it could be argued, is a uniter (as much as I hate to admit that the guy is). Bush is so not a uniter. Obviously, however, there are are a large number of Americans who just don't see that...and that, methinks, is one of the reasons that everything seems just so messed up round here.

who wants to marry a red inked multi-ten-thousandaire?

Man. I gotta go to the wedding of a couple of friends in a couple of weeks and so have to, of course, buy a gift. Well, they registered with Target and Bed, Bath, and Beyond and so their guests can do their shopping online from their lists. This is the first time anyone I know has done that...

Anyway, they have their own little website on both those stores' websites and people can go and checkmark what they want. How cool is that?

So then it dawned on me...anyone out there want to get married so we can set up one of those things? After we get everything we can divide up, each of us getting half of it, and go our separate ways with divorce papers in hand. Heck, I'm 27 and I haven't been married and divorced once yet, let alone twice which seems to be all too common. It's about time to get a divorce under my belt and be normal...and get some cool free stuff. I wonder if Best Buy has a gift registry???

Oh, if you need an invitation, here you go (I can't believe there are e-card marriage proposals out there...though by the time you get to your third or fourth marriage it makes economical sense to do it that way, I guess).

something to do to pass the time

I've taken to bidding on expensive cars on eBay. It's quite entertaining. Yesterday I bid $300 on a 1992 Mercedes that only had a few tens of thousands of miles on it. I was outbid, of course, but I figure if I could get a 1993 Mercedes for $300 that someone out there would be willing to lend me the money and wait for me to resell it again for a big profit a to pay them back (what else is family for?). Anyway, Ive been doing that every now and then.

The thing is, I signed up to be an eBay affiliate for my new site, to sell books, and it looks like I actually make money every time I do this. It wasn't planned or anything, just something I noticed coincidentally. Isn't that messed up? Just for trying to put in a bid to get an expensive car for cheap? Not that I mind it...it's only a nickel every time, but it's something. I suppose it makes sense since my bid of $300 raised the price of the car from $100 to $310 just like that. Heck, maybe I'm getting ripped off here.

Anyway, it made me look into what I get money for and I noticed that I get money if someone just signs up and bids on something (it didn't say anything about winning). So I was just wondering if anyone that reads this would be willing to go to eBay and make up an account (if you don't have one already) and then bid on something ridiculous (something that will obviously sell for a ton but is currently dirt cheap) to see if that's all it takes. I would do it myself, but I don't want to risk being charged with manipulation or anything. I mean, don't do it if you have to give too much personal information, just if you're curious too. And heck, if you ever want to just bid on stupid shit (or anything at all), feel free to click to eBay through the link I just put under the book of the now to the left there, it's non-obtrusive so I think I'm going to keep it there.

Anyway, that's enough of a shill.

something new

I have enough of my new, for-profit, site up to at least make it operational. It's called Water Cooler Books and is a website selling books in the news and the sort. It's about two-thirds done and lacking an about and FAQ section (since there aren't any, but I can at least guess what a couple might be) but it's there. Check it out and let me know what you think, maybe offer suggestions if you got any.

friends - who needs 'em?

This post is inspired by the last episode of Friends, which just finished, so I guess I have to throw a spoiler warning of sorts here...as it's gotten me thinking.

I've been watching the show for the last seven years or so (not watching the first three because I had a bug up my butt and the show was too "immoral" or something) and I've always considered myself the Chandler type. You know, the bumbling goof-off that annoying, but in a charming sort of way I guess. But I realized tonight that I am so much like Ross. And it gives me some hope.

Ross has always been the loveable geek, the totally unsuave know-it-all who is lousy at flirting and horribly fantastic at screwing everything up in his relationships with other people (and not just romantic) whenever the opportunity presents itself. Heck, he's even the type that can stumble his way into creating the opportunity to screw things up. He's the type of guy that it takes years to get to know beyond the surface which may very well be an alright sort of guy, but it's what's deep down beneath the bumbling and akwardness that what makes him someone a person can really love. It's something that's not exactly an admirable trait and certainly not something that lends itself to a high self-esteem or bliss of any sort...but it's something I relate to.

I'm a good guy. I'm a nice guy. That, I think, most anyone can see and accept upon meeting me. I'm always the guy that can meet someone and become fast acquaintences with. But that's it...acquaintence. When people ask if they know Kyle, I'm sure they probably clarify by saying something along the lines of "you know, that really tall, really nice guy." Everyone knows who I am once that's said. That's fine, I don't mind that, but what does bother me is that that's where most people stop in getting to know me. They decide that I'm nice and that's it...maybe tolerating my sometimes maladroit social style but little more. That's where I think my emptiness comes from.

People don't dig down. They don't really take the time to see what's down there. They see me acting in this way or that, not bothering to wonder why I do what I do; rather, deciding that it's part of being a nice guy.

Well, I guess in some ways it is...but at the same time it's sort of pigeonholing of me into some two-dimensional character. I have depth, but people don't want to see it, because it takes some time to go there. Perhaps it's because our society conditions us to be two-demensional and thereby forces us to look at each other as little more than comic book characters on any certain page of life...but I digress. The fact is, there's a lot of me beneath my skin, and most of the good stuff is down there too.

Which brings me back to Ross. Over ten years of Friend's episode Ross had one love and that didn't solidify until tonight. It took the threat of irreversible change to force him to confront that love, but he did...and it took Rachel that long to be ready to accept that; to forgive his social akwardness, set it aside, and accept him for what he is...someone truly capable of love and honest and true about it.

See, that's me. But I cannot find anyone that's willing to work with me on that, willing to put up with my sometimes-immaturity, sometimes overly-hopeless romanticism long enough to see that behind that isn't just some simpleton "nice guy" so easily labeled, but a genuinely interesting, passionate, and otherwise loving person. I don't have a Rachel. Not that one can go out looking for such a girl, but not that I should have the luck of meeting a girl willing to take that time...or maybe it's me that doesn't have the patience to wait.

After all, it took Ross ten years.

i'm excited

Well, even though I have taken most of the ads off of this blog (except for the Columbia House because I think it's a really awesome deal...I signed up) and what I plan on doing with a book of the moment sort of thing over there on the left, I have been doing a lot of e-commerce stuff -- trying to figure out a way to make money (and possibly even a living) off of advertising other people's crap.

Well, after a few months of dilly-dallying I think I have found a relatively un-exploited and un-populated niche in the market. I just bought a URL and am setting up the page right now. I can't really give any specifics or anything until it's all up (in the off chance that someone else doing the whole affiliate money-making schemes person happens across this and sets their stuff up before I can create a base for mine), but I have found a way that I can make relatively decent money on google with a high return...basically making 500% or so on my investment. This new site will hopefully allow me to build on that and maybe make me more (at a higher percentage if I can build a page that the search engines can pick up on so I don't have to pay to advertise so much). I'm sorta geeked.

I am really getting a kick out of this little internet venture I've been working on over the past few months...it's almost like a game and it fascinates me to no end. I've built it up to the point where I'm pulling in a good $200-300 a month rather consistently, but I am so hoping I can boost that up to something I can actually live off of. And I really think it's possible too. :)

Just call me Kyle, web entrepeneur.

we american angels

I don't need to say anything more about the pictures that have come out of Iraq of bastard sons of bitches soldiers getting their jollies by pissing off the entire Arab world with their fucking lunacy...we all think pretty much the same thing about that I think...though maybe not in the same words.

What I do want to know is why none of this has come out in the media, and why half of the Senate is pissed off and asking why they didn't know about this sort of thing before it was flashed on the news. Those pictures that we saw all over the news last week are months old...the military knew about them for at least a week...they only "officially" informed the Senate Armed Services Committee of "possible" wrong-doings today. Let me spell that last word out... T-O-D-A-Y

This is not how a republican democracy works. Perhaps it is the right of the military to keep its inner working and even minor controversies hush-hush from the public at large, but they should most definitely at least inform those in the legislative branch with clearance and authority to know what's going on. You see, this is why we have a separation of powers...so that the military (civilian control of which is an extention of the executive branch) isn't doing things that only the President and his thugs associates know is going on. Not that the president or anyone that high knew of any of these atrocities happening in this one prison, but that there are problems.

As it is, there have been as many as 35 investigations into the deaths of Iraqi and Afghan prisoners since December of 2002. Two of those are most definitely homicides...American troops purposefully taking the life of a detainee. Why hasn't this come out before now? Why is this the first we've heard of it through reputable sources? To be fair, there have been reports of brutalities here and there throughout the alternative press -- charges of maltreatment by released prisoners and even the occasional story of a death or two -- but this is the first that the military has admitted to these issues. This is the first that these issues have been broadcast on evening news shows and flashed on the front pages of magazines...and from what they're saying, this is the first that the military has been fessing up to those that represent us in the legislative branch that things aren't all cheery and rosey in overseas American prisons (as I swear the military has been trying to portray things all these months). Granted, the media has shown photos like these of Afghan prisoners being tied down to the floor of transport planes back in November of 2002, but we deserve the truth.

This is still America after all. Isn't it?

get active

I almost forgot that I wanted to post something about the meeting I went to tonight. Move On and a bunch of other political groups are working together with American Coming Together this Saturday, May 8 for a nationwide voter registration push. Though it is a non-partisan thing, technically, these are mostly progressive groups that will be going into progressive neighborhoods and businesses and making sure that everyone knows how much is riding on this election come November. Besides, the higher the voter turnout the more liberal the voting is a general trend in American politics anyway...which means signing up gobs of people will ultimately be a good thing.

I know plenty of people that hate Bush but don't like Kerry all that much either and this would be a great way to work on sending Bush back to Texas (or Siberia as one guy at the meeting said tonight, to a loud round of applause) without having to actively support Kerry.

...as for me, I guess I'm going to be one of those campaign for Kerry one night and do the non-partisan PAC crap the next. But it's worth it if the outcome's right, eh?

doctors are amazing people

So a week ago this guy that I worked with died. Not that he was at work at the time or even that he was incredibly young or anything (I believe he was in his mid 60's) , but he was one of those guys who was just really cool and yet not in very good health and I would always talk to him, conscious of his health, always thinking it would so suck if he died. The news didn't hit me too hard, but it still knocked the wind out of sails a bot too much (and may very well have something to do with the funk I find myself in).

Anyway...

Just now I was watching The Residents on TLC (a follow the hospital resident reality show) and there was this old woman being treated with, like, total systemic failure and all this stuff and she was just going with the flow. They went into her story a bit, about how she was in the women's baseball leagues in the 40's and how she didn't have any family and the like, and showed her joking around with the doctors and nurses and techs...even flirting with the guys, even using the word "dude". She was just that type of old lady that warms your heart...

But she dies. It made me cry too...not like a teary-eyed sort of thing, but the having to rub my eyes with the side of my hand several times sort of crying. It makes me hate death to see that...it makes me hate life because life must always end in death.

There is no way that I could handle that on a day to day basis. I mean, I'm crying like a baby because of something I saw on tv...I didn't even know the lady. There is absolutely no way that I could handle the death of someone I know, even just barely, on such a regular basis. I find too many things to be just too fucking beautiful about people to be able to handle it. All those stupid things that make us individuals, I've gone into this before, would just build and build and build because they just keep sinking away to oblivian and my heart would burst. I would probably die of a heart attack before I even got out of residency.

But these people do it. That is amazing to me. They have a strength a hundred times greater than me to be able to look death in the eye, to see such beautiful faces fade away so regularly...I have so much respect for them.

Sorry, I know that that's completely out of the blue or whatever, but it's just one of those times where you see something and you hafta say something. You know?

a googling i can be proud of

So I'm up late freaking out about a bunch of crap that I couldn't even write about on this blog if I wanted to and so was checking my stats...and I found that someone found this site yesterday by googling "dickhead boyfriends". Not only did they find it that way, but I was number 4 on the list, and the textual blurb that went along with is went as such:

... Women that bitch and moan about dickhead boyfriends or shit-head preps at the bar
that they thought "were nice" when I could have told them all along that they ...

ahhhhhh, for once on Google I feel represented...and proud, very proud, that I may have very well been of service to a young lady in need of knowing that yes, most guys are dickheads and yes, there are a very select few of us un-dickhead guys out here in the world (and a couple of them even write or read right here!).

...then again, maybe she was looking to get herself a dickhead boyfriend in which case I have to take all that back.

fuck

Generally speaking, I am really down lately. I'm not working for a month or so and so all this work that I've done to get myself caught up and even ahead a little bit is gone to waste. It feels good that I had gotten myself ahead enough that I can almost afford this month off, but that's pretty moot at this point.

I have been hyper-emotional lately too. I've been set off, good and bad, by the most ridiculous, mundane things. I'll see a cute little kid and I'll get misty-eyed for reasons that I'm not even sure of...maybe my wanting to be a father, maybe the innocence in a world I keep seeing as more and more deranged. I'll see some stupid old lady wearing a stupid shirt with kittens on it or something and start being sad that she's going to die someday.

I'm also missing my mom a bunch too.

I'm also desperately lonely. More lonely than I think I have ever been before in my life. It's not the kind of loneliness that is easily masked by hanging out with friends, but a deeper, rubbing against the soul sort of loneliness. I guess in a lot of ways I feel like although I'm here, I'm not here all the same. I feel as though I could exist or not exist and the world would be the exact same either way. I was going through the archives here and found this post from September of 2002 with which to compare how I feel, but it's not quite the same as that. That was about wanting to hook up, about envy, jealousy, and a whole bunch of stupid bullshit negative emotions...this is much, much more.

Because this loneliness isn't so much about just getting some girl or whatever, it's about respect and meaning and purpose and a whole bunch of other things that comprise, more or less, the meaning of our lives as human beings, none of which I feel I have. Certainly I do think that my life makes other people's lives better and easier, but it's not because they respect me...but rather that they take what I so selflessly give and run with it. I say "selfless" but it's not. I give and I give, not minding the taking, but when the taking comes without a thank you or any sort of appreciation, even nominally so, it becomes so...because I've come to expect it. It is the way that people have always treated me. It is selfless only in that I know the outcome, the intentions are not.

It becomes so that all my human interactions seem completely one-sided. Like I am a ghost with the power of interacting with the world but can't be seen by those living in it. My way above average abilities at work don't get me a raise or a promotion, my niceness to girls doesn't get me their love or adoration, my commitment and honesty doesn't garner me (any more than a very small number of) friendships. Heck, I put that parenthetical phrase in that last bit only because I'm super-scared of hurting anyone's feelings...I don't think I have a single friendship where I don't sometimes/often feel like I am used and taken for granted in. *sigh* But see, dedication and niceness prevents me from making absolutes like that. I am so desperately along that I bend over backwards to be even nicer to people for some reason thinking that will get me further...but it only takes me further back.

I know what it is I have to change about myself but it's just not right. What good is it to have friends and love if you've had to change who you are in the process? I like who I am, even if no one else does, so why would I want to destroy that just so other people will like me? Why must I choose between liking myself and being liked?

Ugh. But that's what it's coming to I fear. I am so lonely that I have actually thought about changing myself...it's to the point where I would almost rather hate myself to feel loved because loving myself and feeling hated has become drab and boring and so. damn. lonely. I hate that.

But I know it would work. Last night, at a party, I shed the suit of shining armor and changed into a wife-beater. I let my hands move about into reach-arounds and gropes, I made sexual comments, I did many of the more tamer sorts of things that creeps, pervs, and preps make their daily arsenol of shit...and I actually had responses. The cowboy went away for the night, was replaced by Ted Bundy and the girls dug it. What the Fuck?

...then again, maybe the world isn't even worthy of me, my kindness, or any of it.

Of course, that only begs the comment that my loneliness stems from even deeper roots of feeling different from the rest of humanity...like a freak or whatever...but me being 27 which puts me at the tail end of generation X, that sort of thing's been played out by too many often enough by now. In this case, however, I do believe that I'm different than everyone else...if only in the fact that I won't become that which I'm not in the attempt to appease others...principles is one thing that I got that waaaaaaaay too many other people don't.

bunches of dvds

I know I'm broke, but I couldn't pass up on the deal at Columbia House. Five DVDs for 50-cents a piece. Man. There weren't that many to choose from, but I was happy to discover that after signing up, the selcetion got a lot better. A whole catalog, and they're not that expensive. A little more, but considering you get all the freebies (and they offer more deals once you're a member), it's all good. I have a feeling I'm really going to bulk up my movie collection on this thing (and there ain't nothin' wrong with that).

crap

I need a new comments supplier for this blog, anyone know of any good ones? Ententation is sucky more often than not lately.