ahhhhhh....compassionate conservatism at it's finest

From CNN:

Cheney, who as president of the Senate was present for the picture day, turned to Leahy and scolded the senator over his recent criticism of the vice president for Halliburton's alleged war profiteering.

Cheney is the former CEO of Halliburton, and Democrats have suggested that while serving in the Bush administration he helped win lucrative contracts for his former firm, including a no-bid contract to rebuild Iraq.

Cheney's office has said repeatedly that the vice president has no role in government contracting and has severed all financial ties with the Texas-based oil services conglomerate.

Cheney was chief executive officer of Halliburton from 1995 to 2000. He resigned when he became George Bush's running mate.

Responding to Cheney's comment, Leahy reminded him of an earlier statement the vice president had made about him. Cheney then replied with profanity.

Leahy would not comment on the specifics of the story Thursday, but did confirm that Cheney used profanity.

Gee, ain't Dick just a peachy grand guy? (don't forget a big time asshole like that guy from the NY Times)

There is nothing wrong with getting upset about political issues, especially when they are personal (as in Cheney's appropriating millions and billions of dollars to his ex-employers, friends, and family via shadey government appropriations of contracts), but there is no excuse to break with the honor and tradition of the Capitol to not allow this sort of outburst within thse walls. Then again, this is just one more notch down the pole of civility that the Republican Party's viciousness that's developed over the past ten or fifteen years has taken us.

hello

I feel like posting, but I don't feel like posting anything. You know? Everything still seems to be going wrong in my life, but I'm dealing. My computer is still not willing to boot up (which brings it to a full five days now) and I haven't been able to sleep all that well (and annoyingly waking up between an hour and five minutes before my alarm goes off every day, robbing me of precious sleep). Blech.

What sucks the most about all this is that I have no idea what's going on in large parts of my life and throughout the world around me. I mean, I'm trying to make a living off of the internet, but it's "kind of" hard when your Sony-made piece of SHIT (so-called computer) won't let you on. I am, by any definition of the term, a news junkie, and I can't get it like I want to because of this. That, and I don't know where I am in a couple too many different relationships with people at this moment. It sucks.

Anyway...

Oh, and here's a roommate update (I'm still looking for anyone looking for a room to rent in Grand Rapids Michigan if any googlers are out there)....The asswipe that got pissed off at me for turning the heater back on when it dipped down to 40 degrees -- you know, got all pouty and gave me the silent treatment for a week while bitching about me to anyone and everyone. Well, he was running the air conditioner (I pay for electricity) as I was putting on my fleece to walk through the cool (fifty degree) evening to get to the library. What kind of a fucking prick is that, eh? Ass hole.

Oh well, that's enough.

turning that smile upside down

Everything sucks. My computer has not wanted to start up since Friday, my Dad had to cancel Father's Day because his company had him doing inventory that morning and it took all fucking day, and I soaked through two sets of clothes yesterday -- once in the rain on the bike ride home and again as I waited a half-hour for a bus that never came to take me to the grocery store. I have found myself in a funk that doesn't allow me to say the things that I want to say, and to some extent need to say, to the people I want/need to say things to. Oh yeah, I also can't even get access to a computer long enough to send out resumes when my job is up in two or three weeks again, nor can I get any of the law school shit done that has to get done as soon as possible. Ugh

too much time to think

I read test answers all day, but I have the mental capacity to think about other things while I do and today I thought about a conversation I had last night about, you guessed it, me and girls...

I guess I told someone that I am only into aggressive girls; you know, the types that make the first move and drive the relationship and all that. Actually, there's no guessing about it, I did. But I did after just having gotten fed up with not being able to figure out what was going on with yet another girl in my life and so I was sort of talking out of my ass. That's what I was thinking about today.

Thinking about it because I was trying to get at why I say things like that and I came to the realization that it's just one of the excuses in a long line of excuses that I make for myself being so lonely. There's always some excuse that I have...whether it's the vanity of girls or the aloofness of girls or the mystery of girls or whatever...it's always girls and my loneliness has to do with something wrong with them.

I admitted to myself today that the problem is with me.

That's a big step for me. Due to a lot of factors (teenage religious and social zealotry and family crises being the biggies), I didn't really hit my sexual adolesence until I was in my twenties...while everyone else had being goofing around for years, I was just getting into the game. Because of that, I'm at more of a loss than most guys when it comes to girls. I honestly don't know what's appropriate, what's expected, what the limits are, and all of that...I'm pretty helpless.

I mean, I hate to admit this because I find some shame in it (and a total lack of machoness...my balls are sucked up inside me right now), but I just don't have any idea what I'm doing. None. For years though I blamed this on girls and whoever else I could (my parents for getting divorced too I guess) as if it was somehow their fault...I think I was expecting some girl to just make me some sort of charity case and tell me all the secrets...the fact that none did just going to show that girls "aren't ready for a guy like me".

And so I say stuff like "I want a girl that'll just ravage me" or "I need a girl who will take control" and all that because I don't want to admit that what I need is a girl with a little patience and understanding to put up with me and my complete ignorance of all things girls -- a girl that might even find it cute that I'm a bumbling idiot rather than a cool suave guy.

I know, I'm pathetic.

I never wanted to sit around waiting for some angel to appear out of nowhere, take control of my sexuality, and make me suddenly happy...that's just not going to happen. In having done so, I have sat around watching some damn fine girls walk by all the while getting pissed that they don't stop to say hello.

What was I thinking?

I think this epiphany has been working its way into my life for some time as this general kick of self-improvement has worked its way through my life, but it got a good shove and that's a good thing.

I'm sick of being ridiculous, I'm sick of being shy, I'm sick of not taking chances. It's time for me to take the bull by the horns, quit this "poor me" crap, and start living.

so tired...

Work sucks, you know that? ugh.

I stayed up way too late last night, watching a movie and then the last quarter of the Piston's game (I don't like basketball, but being a Michigan resident it was sort of unofficially required). Didn't get to bed until 1...which is only bad in that I have to get up at 6:30 in the morning. The alarm goes off and I hit what I think is the snooze, but is in actuality the reset button...only to then wake up on my own at 7. I race to get ready because I have to catch the bus downtown instead of bike because the weather forecasters said it was going to rain (it has yet to and it's almost 5), the bus leaving fifteen minutes earlier than I do. I get to work half-dead, feeling like shit, and spend the rest of the day trying not to fall asleep while reading the most mundane and stupid test responses in the world, failing at that task on five or six separate occasions (but never getting caught...my streak continues). It sucked.

Work sucked, that is.

I wouldn't have sacrificed the company of last night for a day ten times worse. It's so good to be around someone that you can just be yourself around, and them too...both of you being so much alike and all. You know?

the best you can is not good enough

I know I posted just a couple of hours ago that there are a lot of good things going on in my life, but I have found myself sort of woeful nonetheless the last few days. The loneliness thing is kicking my ass again I think.

This time, I think, it's because I feel very aware that I am not tops on anyone's list. Not just that, but I've never been. I've never been that person whose company can trump everyone else's company, I've always been the kind of guy that can and has easily been shoved aside because someone else beckoned...or even just indicated that they possibly might beckon.

I try to talk about this with the people in my life -- or at least my friends -- but they just don't understand...and I don't really know how to describe it. I guess it might be best explained as a sort of grown up version of the jealousy that an older child has of his newborn sibling when all of a sudden the parent's attention is diverted away from him and lavished instead on the baby. I say grown-up version because I am capable of understanding why it is...but that doesn't really make it easier.

I understand that my Dad will put his wife before me in all but the most dire of circumstances and that is as it should be. I fully appreciate that my friends should put their boyfriends and girlfriends ahead of me too, as that is most appropriate as well, again in all but the most dire circumstances. But it kills me that nowhere out there is a friend to whom I am their single best friend for which everything can be set aside if I need someone to talk to, or just be around. It kills me that in every relationship that I have ever been (I speak of platonic relationships of course given the utter lack of romantic ones), there has always been someone else more important who can dash all plans and the like simply by raising their hand. This is loneliness at its most profound.

I feel the secondary and tertiary status of my existence on this earth with every beat of my heart and contraction of my lungs.

I want nothing more than to be number one. I desire only to be that person that is always tops on the mind of someone that I care about. It's something that I've never felt, never had the pleasure of feeling, always dreamed of. Twenty-seven years of prayers gone unanswered.

But the thing that makes the grown-up version of this jealousy so much worse than its juvenile cousin is that I am fully aware that it is me and my being that puts me in this spot...there is no one else to put the blame on as there is with a younger sibling. I am aware that my inability to garner the respect and indeed love of others is the result of some inner defect of who I am. My star cannot seem to shine as brightly as everyone else's does to somebody else.

And so I find myself in places like this one this night where I cannot help but question myself. Where I cannot help but feel that I am nothing. Where I cannot shake this feeling of utter, desparate loneliness. I find myself questioning everything, taking a mental inventory of every facet of my being, searching for that thing that makes me so unworthy of love and devotion. But I cannot find it.

It would be better, I think, if I knew what it was, but I don't. In not knowing, I find myself questioning everything...am I ugly? am I boring? am I selfish? am I too mean? am I too nice? am I too plain? too normal? too different? I ask these questions and to each I can only answer "I don't know". It's an uncertainty that rattles me to the very core of my personality, a deep-seeded lack of self-confidence...a reason to feel like a failure and a reason to hate myself.

But there I am. Always questioning and never finding answers. Always alone and incapable of being otherwise. It is depressing, it is demoralizing, and it leads to an empty, yet paradoxically heavy, heart.

sigh

There is too much happening in my life right now...most of it pretty good to excellent...some of it somewhat iffy. I don't have time to talk about it right now, but really, REALLY want to when I think it's prudant to...

Anyway, just wanted to stop by and say hello.

now i hate john mccain

From the AP:

Kerry has asked McCain as recently as late last month to consider becoming his running mate, but the Arizona senator said he's not interested, said a Democratic official who spoke on condition of anonymity because Kerry has insisted that his deliberations be kept private. A second official familiar with the conversations confirmed the account, and said the Arizona senator made it clear he won't change his mind.

Just kidding, I dont hate the guy, but I think he's being really, really, REALLY stupid writing off the possibilities of a bipartisan Kerry/McCain ticket. As divided as this country is right now as the result of the wickedness and pure evil of Bush and his cronies, a two-party ticket would be something pretty damn special and would do well to heal the wounds of the last four years.

So if you're reading this Sen. McCain (and we all know you do), please (please, PLEASE) do this for this country.

cha-ching

As I've mentioned a few times on this blog, I have gotten myself started up in the internet marketing game. Besides some random advertising for the likes of Rail Europe and some others,
I have so far set up two sites aimed at making money (Water Cooler Books and Webhosts Etc.) and have started taking in some decent cash. Actually, I am on a $500/month pace at this time and have been doubling what I make, more or less, every month since I started with making $25 back in December. It's kinda sweet.

In any case, a large portion of my traffic (i.e. all of my traffic) comes from Google's Adwords program (those little ads on the right hand side of a google search page) but it has to this point been sorta minimal. Well, I just spent the better part of an hour or two trying new keywords and combinations and have successfully found a few that Google estimates will raise my traffic (to webhosts etc at least) about 10-fold. This is fucking sweet since the best money I seem to be making (per sale at least) comes from webhosts (like $75 a pop on average) if only in very rare doses. But ten times more would take my 3 or 4 sales a month up to 30-40 sales a month which equals, like, enough money for spartan little me to live off of...and then some.

In any case, this is just a post to ask for those of you who regularly read this blog to cross your fingers or maybe say a little prayer to your deity of choice for me.

It would be so swell to find something that keeps me out of poverty, you know?

my least favorite season

It's 82 degrees right now at 11:00 or so and it was 90 degrees when I got out of work today. The dewpoint, an hour after I got home, was at 73 degrees (which is very muggy)...just fantastic weather for the eight-mile bike ride home. I got home from work, took off my shirt, and it was as heavy as it would be had it been soaking in the sink for an hour there was so much sweat. It sucks. It sucks a lot.

I used to not like Summer. I have a feeling that after this year, I'm going to HATE Summer.

...but then again, I'll be a Summer-hating Kyle that weighs 50 pounds less than he does now if it keeps up like this. That, my friends, is the silver-lining.

school days, school daze

Is it wrong that a lot of my excitement about going back to school this Fall is rooted in the fact that the cost of living numbers used in determining my loans and financial aid include a total of $1200 a month or so which is roughly $300 more than I budget my life at currently? That is, that I will make $300 more per month by studying and not working than I currently do by working. Of course, a lot of that is in student loans which I will eventually have to pay back at some point, but still....

Add to that the $500+/month I've been able to milk off my internet ventures ($85 today alone)and perhaps a night or two a week working in a bar and I might be able to pull in well over $2000 a month with barely putting any time in on a punch card. How messed up is that?

Not that I'll be complaining.....

Problem is that I haven't yet applied. I can probably still get into this Fall's semester if I want to, but that would require me to take morning classes throughout my three years in school...If I started in January, I'd have fewer people in my classes, less competition, and classes in the Afternoons instead of morning. I mean, the January starting date sounds great, but I want the money NOW. Oh well, I will be able to manage somehow, I'm sure. I always seem to.

little friendless me

So this weekend there were people coming in from out of town that I haven't seen in months, the biggest volunteer-run arts fesival in the country (with the best food), and just damn fine weather and not a singe friend called me (okay, one did, but she doesn't count). I tried to call many, but most ignored their phones when they saw it was me calling...scratch that, they all did. Aren't they all just fucking grand?

It got me thinking as to exactly how many times I've found myself in positions listening to two "friends" talk about this party or that or whatever when I don't know what the hell they're talking about...how much I'm just left out of the loop...how much I'm just not told anything. It occurred to me that friends don't scorn friends like that.

Well...fuck them all, eh.

blech

I can't wait until I have enough money to buy a new hard-drive. Right now I am on my own computer and have been able to boot it up for the past two days, but I know it's not going to last, that the stupid thing is failing. I really wish I could post more often, but when the library only allows you an hour of usage a day and you have people to e-mail and internet business ventures to check up on, there just isn'tthe ten, 20, 30 minutes of time it takes to get to blogger, write a post and post it, you know?

Anyway, I wanted to post something to say that my irregular posting and rather blunt posts when I do of the past two or three weeks is by no means a sign of lackluster interest in this thing, but rather the pressures of time. *sigh*

Oh well, I have a busy day today. While my computer is up I have to re-write my resume to apply to a couple sweet-ass jobs that I have seen (a couple of them in publishing even which would be awesome), I have to clean my house because I'm sick and tired of living in a pig sty (and even though my roommate isn't working, it's not as if he'll fucking lift a finger...just two more months and he's GONE), and find some time to rest given that today is the full extent of my weekend, having worked yesterday to make up for not working on Monday for Memorial day (someone please explain to me the point of closing down on Monday only to open up on Saturday -- it was an optional work day).

ronald reagan -- dead

I guess it's time to start naming everything under the Sun after the man...oh, wait, the Republicans have already done that. I guess it's time to start calling freedom fries Ronald fries.

That's not meant to be disrespectful towards the man, only to those that have embarrassingly jumped the gun on memorializing him for the past decade.

Ronald Regan, was a great speaker and a grandfatherly president that, even if you didn't like his policies, could more than likely bring a smile to your face at least once and awhile. I don't like where he took this country but he was still a good man worthy of saying goodbye to. It is also sad that President Reagan had to suffer with alzheimers for so long...it is truly a terrible disease. My heart goes out to all of those that are mourning his death right now.

***

For the record, I was watching TV at the time his death was announced and the networks reported the event in this order:

1. ABC
2. FOX
3. CBS
4. NBC
5. CNN

Just to record that fact for posterity's sake. It took CNN about 5 minutes past the time ABC announced to get some guy who was talking about some financial crap off the air (they cut him off).