stuck

Life is good right now, and because of that, I feel stuck.

It is something like what I heard while watching the original BBC Office series this weekend...like every time you make a change in life, it's like rolling a die. You can roll a one, a six, or something in between. Right now I think I'm at a four, maybe a five...roll and I could get a six, maybe another five -- or I could roll a one or a two.

I want that six, but I'm too scared of that snake's eye to take the chance to get it. Maybe after awhile with this four or five I'll have enough security to try...but now, right now, I don't want to roll.

sweet

I got my report card today for my master's class -- One A and one B...giving me a nice, solid 3.5 GPA to start with. Okay in my book. Next week, a new class...on the internet. I'm kind of scared.

day of the dead

Last night I went to a friend's house to celebrate many birthdays in weeks to come and weeks past. It was good.

I went to the bar to meet up with a friend, drink some Oberon, play some Kino. It was also good.

While at the bar we learned that the band that's touring with Sting (I forget their name, but they sing the theme to "The OC" and with whom what's his name from Rushmore played drums -- but no more) was at another bar with the friend of a friend and decided to go. I sat and drank with them, while sitting there people came up and asked for their autographs...I've never been sitting at a bar with people who other people would want to sign their names to scraps of paper. It was good.

We went to another bar, me in part because I'm developing a crush on a girl that would be there...I saw an old neighbor, I had a good talk with a friend of said girl. It was good.

At last call my friend and I raced across the street to yet another bar to get yet another drink. While there I saw a girl I'd gone out with a couple times years ago...one half a set of identical twins...one of the hottest girls I've ever had the priviledge to know (let alone hang out with). I approached her, she hugged me in her drunkeness and said it was good to see me. It was good.

I got home at 2:30 fully aware that I'd have to get up three and a half hours later. I slept a restless, drunken half-sleep, waking up when the alarm went off at 6:15. Half dead...and dead I remain right now.

But I have no regrets for the night I had last night. It was good.

tertiary concerns in the third millenium

Random thinking about things yesterday brought me to the thought of purchasing a car and the subsequent need for car insurance. Car insurance that would set me back $500 every six months -- $80 a month. More than what I was paying for health insurance.

It occurred to me how fucked up that is...that insurance on my health, on my very well being, would be cheaper than insurance on my car. And what would that car insurance get me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Five Hundred bucks would be the cost of insurance not including comprehensive or collision coverage -- just enough to cover my liability for everyone else on the road in that unlikely even that I'd destroy their car.

It says a lot about our society and our values.

I can't own a car without buying insurance. It's required in order to register my car with the state...which I'm required to do if I want to drive on the roads. Not only that, but I am required to contribute to a fund to cover uninsured drivers and the damage that they might do. And my health? No. Just...no. No requirements, no fund to cover any disease I may contract, no concern by those in power.

I'm trying to wrap my brain around the logic...that our property should be so well protected when our health is not.

words from pope benedict xvi

Again, not Catholic myself, but I just read this and thought it was good to hear from a man of God. Telling the author of a couple of interviews that God has a sense of humor, then Cardinal Ratzinger said:

"Sometimes he gives you something like a nudge and says, 'Don't take yourself so seriously!' Humor is in fact an essential element in the mirth of creation. We can see how, in many matters in our lives, God wants to prod us into taking things a bit more lightly; to see the funny side of it; to get down off our pedestal and not to forget our sense of fun,"

How true that is. How true. And how I would like to point that out to some people in my life who take too much waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too seriously.

some good television

I just finished watching the first season of Arrested Development on DVD. I can't believe it took me this long to get into it. Friggin hilarious. Oh, and I love Netflix.

i've tried to post

I really have, but the two times that I had something to say since Saturday, either Bloggr has been f*ed or I haven't been able to get online. Oh well. Now I have to go to work. In the meantime, type "boobs in public" into google and just see who's page is number one. I feel like a rock star don't you know?

freedom redux

Lately I've decided to take a break from caring about love...from allowing myself to be emotionally attached to anyone. I think that that decision has lent itself marvelously to the newfound confidence and, well, happiness that I've been experiencing for the last few weeks. For two years, I on/off was completely infatuated with a friend, before then it was a few months with another, before that...always crushing on one girl or another as far as I can think back. For two or three weeks now I've forced myself to stop...to not think "gee...if she and I hooked up..." and it's such a burden off my soul. It's the first time in forever that I've been free to just live as me without worrying about how being me might be seen by others, living without caring how others see me, living to just be me.

I've been kind of flirty, kind of overly nice, kind of listeny and talky and dreamy. I've also been serious when I've needed to be and carefree most of the time like I'm comfortable being. The other night I was at a married friend's house and playing with her kids that seem to just adore me...without caring how anyone there thought of it. The other day I talked freely with a pretty girl without worrying about how she was perceiving me. It is nice. Too nice.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just let go of your worries, of your life, of the world, and everything else.

paradise lost

It’s a beautiful day (again) and so I went for a ride on my newly repaired bicycle. With nowhere in particular to go, I rode to the cemetery down the way, exploring the tombstones; wondering what demise befell the younger souls (depressing over the infant stones), seeing how far back the birthdates would go (1796). It was peaceful, sharing the place with nobody but the dead and a couple of people doing rubbings of a few markers (at least I hope that that’s what they were doing).

Enough time spent on that, I decided to ride over to a park that overlooks the city that’s about a mile or so from my place. There were softball and baseball games going on below, so I sat and watched an inning or two before walking around, seeing where the park went (since I never have before). Quiet and peaceful it was, blue sky above with little noise but the announcer at the game and chirping songbirds. I left (though not without my horny self thinking this would be a swell place to make-out) to go home, making the mistake of pulling into another small park overlooking the city below.

I turn the corner and there are people on a bench. Kids. Two girls around 11 or 12, still with baby-fat faces and no curves to speak of, and a boy maybe a couple years older. It wasn’t the sudden appearance that grabbed me though…no, it was what they were doing. I may be mistaken (I hope and pray to God and all that is Holy that I was mistaken), but it seems that one of the girls was positioning herself to go down on the guy. Yes, while the other girl was watching. Wanting to in some part shame them – maybe to make them think about what they were doing, where they were doing it, and in front of whom they were doing it – I made a point of not turning around and leaving them alone. I walked slowly past them, the girl positioning herself not noticing me, the girl watching them giving her a nudge. She girl looked up at me with this devilish little girl grin. I threw up a little bit in my mouth. I walked past, disgusted too much to stay and keep them from doing what they were going to do (not that I really think my continued presence would have stopped them)…I rode off, noticing as I rode by the park that they were back at it.

What is society coming to when kids, little kids, are doing this shit? Hell, it wasn't until I was 13 that I even saw a girl's breasts, let alone touched or anything else them -- double let alone other parts. For that matter, it wasn't until I was 13 that I even kissed a girl. Today it's this shit...I think I need a cold shower to wash the sickness away from me.

freedom

Spring -- in the climatic sense anyway -- hit this area last week, melting the six months of snow piles stacked up at the far ends of parking lots and the like. Sixty degrees it's been and I finally walked down to the bike store to get the buck-fifty bolt for my pedal crank bar thingy that I've been aching, ACHING, for since it's been pleasant enough to ride. So I have my ride back -- the ability to travel a mile in a fifth the time it takes to walk; the ability to bike the nine miles home from work, getting there more quickly than the bus; the ability to ride to wherever without having to rely a friend to take me.

lessons learned

On Monday I went to the Black Rose and sang karaoke. Among my four songs was A-Ha's "Take On Me" which I chose, not remembering just how high the damn thing went. I'm going along, some girls dancing, me having fun, when it gets to the chorus...I follow along, relying on memory of the song for my pitch...when three-quarters of the way through the chorus I realize just how high the next lines gets. Rather than give up, I go for it...screech as high as I can get and hit it just right (at least it sounded right in the monitor). So many people clapped, it was amazing. The next time the line came, I did it again...then the third. The fourth time came along and I didn't even try...my throat was hurting.

I couldn't sing right the rest of the night (but who need's to for They Might Be Giants' "Istanbul, Not Constantinople"?) and I was having problems the last too days.

I'm such a whore for attention to pull that stuff off...but I'm not regretting it either.

it's about time

Six years at the company I work for (well, six years on and off) and I just found out today that I'm getting promoted up to team leader for the next project. An extra $1.50 an hour, an extra five hours a week, a few extra days, and something to put on my resume all wrapped up in one (well, that and now I'll have to act a little more responsibly and train people and stuff).

Top that with the e-submission of my research paper just now (leaving just a take home final exam that I'll be able to pound out in a few hours for the remainder of my semester) and I have reason to celebrate tonight. John Courage, here I come.

fare thee well

I've teared up a couple of times since the Pope died...I almost cried when the moment came.

Now I'm not Catholic, nor do I necessarily agree with a lot of what John Paul II stood for...but as a man, I can think of no one in recent years that I have really idolozed. We should all be good to live lives so at peace with ourselves and full of love. We should all be blessed to possess the fortitude of faith to never waver. We should all miss such a man to show us what it means to be one of God's children.

automobile math

I was looking at the paper today, specifically at the "bargain corner" where they list cars for sae under a thousand bucks. I saw a few promising listings, but I figured that I should have some idea about how much it will cost me for insurance before I go buy a car...

So I called Progressive, got a few quotes, I just checked GEICO online too and the verdict is...$80 a month MINIMUM for me.

I thought maybe I'd have to pay $40 or $50 for the minimum stuff, but no...

Thing is, crunching the numbers, I can rent a car from Enterprise or Budget for $30 a day when I need one, which is only occasionally (when I have to go to class in Lansing a total of 12 times or if I ever ask a girl out on a date and that sort of thing). That means that I can drive a brand new car without worry of fixing any knocks, changing any oil, or paying insurance premiums three times a month for the same cost as just insurance. Add in the price of the car itself and maintainence (and the fact that the fuel efficiency of any car I can get for under $1000 will be much less than a rental) and I could rent a car probably five or six days a week (or for full weekends now and then since the rates go WAY down then) and still come out ahead financially.

In short, I'm running out of reasons in my head to actually buy a car and wondering why the hell I haven't realized this about renting any sooner.