i don't know what to write, but i want to write

It's much like me speaking. I just now passed on the chance to wish someone well while they were down. I do that a lot, and it bothered me somewhat because I always want to do so, but rarely do. It never really occurred to me what was going on, but I think I may have just figured it out. It's rather simple:

I have the most amazing, incredible propensity to say the absolute worst thing at the absolute worst time. I have from since I can remember. I don't know what it is, but it seems that no matter how hard I try it always seems to come out wrong or only partially come out or something...and the something almost always leads to my looking like an ass.

It's funny really, funny in that ironic way that I am the type of person that wants to always give and always wants to do whatever's best, but too often what I say comes out all garbled and seemingly crude, mean, and unfriendly...the meaning of my words transcending the message and almost always not coming out right at all.

I remember when my mom died and we were at the funeral home discussing all that really fun stuff like the casket and the obituary and cemetary lots and the issue of the cement block thingy (I forget what it's called) that the casket is put into so that as things decompose the ground doesn't sink into the space made. A vault, that's what it is. In any case, this wasn't explained to me -- I presumed from what the funeral home guy was saying about it being water tight and the casket being made of wood that this was meant to keep the casket and the body dry and prevent it from sitting there in still water, doing what biological matter does when sitting in still water...so I say something along the lines of "why don't we put the casket in a plastic bag" which makes me shiver even to this day. Anyone that knows me knows that the loss of my mother was devastating to me, that I would never mean any disrespect to her -- but what I hated was the fact that the funeral home was trying to milk us out of another several hundred dollars just to push back the inevitability of her body decomposing and all that. I remember the look my aunt gave me. My mom, of course had she been there, would have been proud at my intent of trying to save money and stand up to the man and all, but it just came out all wrong...really wrong.

I do that. I try to bring levity to a situation where I know levity would be appropriate if I were there, but it's not for the person that is there. I try to be somber when everyone else is trying to be festive. I try to be contemplative when others just want to not think about anything. I try to seak when that other person just wants to be held. It's always the opposite. I always manage to do just the opposite thing that I should do and say the opposite thing that I should say.

Perhas I should make out like George Constanza in that one episode of Seinfeld where he decides to the exact opposite of what he thinks he should do...he ended up getting the girl, getting the dream job, and all around having everything go his way as the result.

*sigh*

the power of the human mind to overcome

I have a lot on my mind. Not a lot of little things, a couple big things, and today I've been thinking about just how well I am at avoiding them. Well, avoiding isn't so much the issue as it is forgetting. Maybe out-shouting is a more appropriate. Yeah. Because it's not as if I'm trying to knock them out of head or anything, it's just they're the types of things that I can't do anything about. They also are the types of things I'm not going to discuss in a public place, so don't bother asking. That doesn't matter though.

I just find it interesting that the mind, automatically, can take the energy that it would take think and worry and whatever and divert it to other ideas. I haven't even been trying and it does it automatically. And the thoughts that come out are so extrememly focused too. Today I ended up spending most of the day arguing about abortion over at the 'box. Somehow I was able to take a heavily emotional issue like that and maintain my cool through many, many posts without turning into some sort of shout fest as things usually do.

What's sad though is that I'm at a point in my life where I could be doing so much real thinking and doing (being unemployed and all, but only for the next 17 days now) and getting much out of it, if I could direct it, but it's like the things that are most important to me are the things that I can't do anything about. It sucks. Life could be so good for me right now if things would have been timed just a little differently.

and the nominations are in...

...for this year's Razzie Awards. You know, I was not one of the 13 people nationwide to have gone out and seen Gigli but I so do want to. I love bad movies, so much.

Yeah...just now I added it to my rental list at WalMart that I'm scamming a month's free trial from. I so can't wait.

free dvds and lots of wine

Thank goodness for the free DVDs I got from Columbia House because they have been the only source of entertainment for me lately. For ony $2.50 too. I am so bloody bored. I think I'm dying of boredom. Literally, dying. It's too damn cold outside to go out and walk or bike anywhere, I'm too broke to go anywhere, friends aren't too keen on doing things that are free, and the whole job thing is leaving me with 16 hours of awake time, locked up in my apartment. I can waste five hours or so of that online, maybe a couple hours watching news and the Simpsons, but that leaves a lot of emty time...

DVDs are good, therefore. When I ordered them I chose the longest ones that I could. I got them on Monday, have watched them all already. *sigh* Last night I watched Dr. Strangelove while drinking wine and then watching the New Hampshire primaries come in. Exciting eh? I crashed at 11:00pm, woke up at 7am...which means today is going to be especially long...

Only two and a half weeks til I work again. I hope I don't die before then.

a question to you, the reader

Okay, for the last week I have been on this sex thing...not that I think sex is a bad thing, but that sex has been given too high a priority in our lives, that it's too "important" these days. Being a liberal as I am, this is not an expected position I'm sure (though to those that know me, a conservative stance in my morals is probably quite expected), am I wrong? I really want to start a dialogue here...has sex taken too prominent a position in the sorting out of our lives? Do you agree that the current sexual obsession (I think it's fair to say it's as great an obsession as even that of the free-love hippies of the '60s and coke addicts of '70s, probably even more of an obsession) is as bad as I think it is?

Comment here or in the forum (not that anyone's said anything in the forum for weeks now).

suddenly popular for the first time in my life

So I just got online just now and after some meandering I went to my tracking site to see if anyone had visited this here blog. Well, to my surpirse, 33 people had and counting. Well, since that total's usually around one or two at 9:00am (the trackers behind a couple hours), if that, I was a bit shocked. Turns out that Rosy Reid and her virginity-selling is a hot ticket on google and if you type "Rosy Reid" in there, this here blog is one of a few pages that shows up.

On one hand I would like to thank the bunches of people that are now visiting this site for the first time ever, and offer you to look around, read some, and maybe stick around to join my band of regular readers. On another hand I have to wonder if what you seek should be sought elsewhere. I don't like what Ms. Reid is doing, not at all. I think it's sick that she would even think of prostituting herself, and I think it's even sicker that both she and her girlfriend have such a cavalier attitutde towards the same thing. That is to say, if you are looking for her as a prospective suitor, you are not welcome here. You can stick around if you wish, but I doubt you will like what you see. If you are looking for her story as a sort of freak-show curiosity, I turn you to the story that was flashed on the web on Sunday. If however, you are disgusted as well by this sort of thing -- this dumbing down of sexuality in the world today and were looking to find her only to delve more deeply into the sadness of it all, I suggest you read some of this blog...I often take that position...you may like it here.

In any case, whatever brought you here. Welcome.

In the meantime, I will curse google for running up my bandwidth. No, not really, thank goodness the month's almost up and I still have 95% of it available.

crazy

It makes sense:

Clinton's Gift to Internet Age - Only 2 E-Mails

The archives of the Bill Clinton presidential library will contain 39,999,998 e-mails by the former president's staff and two by the man himself.

"The only two he sent," Skip Rutherford, president of the Clinton Presidential Foundation, which is raising money for the library, said Monday.

One of them may not actually qualify for electronic communication because it was a test to see if the commander in chief knew how to push the button on an e-mail.

-Yahoo! News

Anything that a President types into a computer is saved and enters the public record at the end of his (or her, someday) presidency. With that it's no wonder that neither Clinton nor Bush use e-mail very often. It kind of sucks though, if you ask me, that that's the case. It seems fundamentally unfair that the President of the United States can't use e-mail to just send a "hey, how's it going?" e-mail to people without having to worry that anyone or everyone will someday read it. I don't know, couldn't there be some sort of "hands off" list of addressees that are exempt? I don't know, I'm just rambling to not just post an article and run off. :)

thinking out loud

Yeah, it was a rough day for me yesterday. I hate that. There was just too much fakeness that I witnessed yesterday, too much total fakeness. I can't handle it sometimes. Add that to the thoughts that already plague my mind and it just leads to this feeling of impending burst, where I have to get it all out somewhere, somehow. Like bleeding the mind. It was bad.

In any case, I read the last two posts and I really liked something I had said nd I wanted to expound. In the earlier post from yesterday I equated the selling out of one's sexuality and the selling out of one's faith. I Like that, I think there's some truth to that. And not just one's faith, but everything.

That's not to say that there are people out there that enjoy sex as a physical activity, no strings attached. But for most people, there are emotional ties. Very few people can have sex and not have feelings arise as the result. Whether they be exhuberance, guilt, shame, or happiness, there is going to be something. That says something about the act. It says something about the importance of sex in our lives.

To me, it's the same with religious beliefs, intellectual beliefs, emotions, and what have you. It's all the same. Sometimes you share them just to get somewhere -- to impress or to feel like you're in company. Sometimes you sell them out to get ahead or, again, to feel in company, to feel wanted, to somehow make yourself feel better about yourself. Other times you change them -- believe in something that you otherwise wouldn't believe -- because there's a pressure involved. Still other times you share them because you want to, to be open and sincere, to show trust, to show love. That last one is the only one that seems appropriate. To me anyway. And it's something that I hold true. People that know how I feel about God, know what I really feel, have had close intimate contact with me are the people that I care about, the people that I love (not to say that I don't love those that I haven't had close, intimate contact with...my father for instance...). I believe in this. I will not sell out, I will not allow myself to fall into that trap of selling some part of myself to buy some self-respect. It paigns me to see others do so. I see oh so many do so. *sigh*

But I don't really understand how society has worked it out so that some of these aspects of human life are somehow less personal than others. I think most of us would agree that faith in God (if you have faith) is not something to be tossed aside lightly. Someone who has faith in Christ does not denounce that faith and instead report a Muslim faith just so he or she can get a job or so that someone will love them. Why, then, is it so easy for people to do the exact same thing with their sexuality? Throw it around in the hopes that they will be loved, throw it around so that they can feel good about themselves? I don't really understand.

I mean, I dare say it's the fault of our cultural influences...TV and magazines and just the day to day gossip between people tends to delude the sanctity of such things. It's part of the webbing in which we find ourselves spun. There's not a thing to be done about it, it's going to be spun that way for many, many years. That's the way of culture and society, it doesn't change very quickly. I for one, have always been a scapper, compelled to do things because it is against the will of society (or not compelled to do things because it is the will of society as the case may be), but I don't really understand how people can't see that they are being duped, how they can live with that. Really.

I don't know, everything's still a bit muddled in my head. So I will stop for now. I feel as though I'm on the trail of something good here and so I will probably be revisiting these thoughts now and then over the next couple of days. I think they are worth thinking about, even if they are not all that popular, mainstream, or otherwise hip and cool to think.

back to a shack

Why must life be so complicated? Why must everything be a chore or a game or both? Why can't we be like kids, experiencing the world and drawing it all in, loving everything and everyone? Why must be play along like we are corrupt? If everyone played nice, then there would be so much less hurt, so much less pain, so much less true evil in the world. So why not? Why must everything be so damn complicated?

All I want to do is, as Thoreau once wrote, "live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I can not learn what i has to teach." I don't want to live a fake life, I don't want to run around with a mask on. I want to be me, do what it is that God has intended for me to do, and live amongst those that feel the same way. Is that too much to ask? Seriously, is it? Because it seems like it. It seems that everyone has intentions other than the ones that they let show through their personas, it seems that everyone's running around with a knife in hand, ready to sink it into whoever's back when the time is just right to make the most of murder. I don't want that. I want to be me, I want to be free. To go back to Thoreau, "I want to live deep and suck the marrow out of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life...". To rout all that is not life...I want to cut out all the shit, the grissle. Who needs it? Just me and those like me, that's what I want. Anyone out there with me?

Ugh.

On a side note, I found myself researching abbeys and the like today...it seems that my not being Catholic is the only thing keeping me away from becoming a monk. It may be the only way to get away from all this...shit.

our perverse, fucked-up, sex obsessed society

I don't know if Rosy Reid is a real person or if her plight is real, or if anything from Britain's "News of the World" can be believe or what have you, but it saddens me that her story doesn't surprise me. Basically, she's a University student in Britain and is bogged down with debt. Her solution? Sell her virginity on eBay. She's gotten 400 bids, up to 10,000 Pounds. What kills me is the logic in the article. First, there's the fact that she's prostituting herself. That alone is sad. Second, is that her girlfriend (as the article states, her virginity was "never lost it due to lesbianism") doesn't care. If it was a woman she was seeking to sell herself to it would upset her, but since it's a man, she says, "I know she doesn't care about men, so if it has to be done, I am right behind her." Third, Ms. Reid is blaming the government for putting her in this predicament... My God I hope this whole story is fake.

But there are others that are doing the same thing, whether for real or not. Or I should say, those putting their virginity up for sale on eBay whether intending to go through with it or making a joke. There's gr8*bargains who is doing so to buy a car and adds that he's "a genuine virgin, i suppose this is because i am very shy when it comes down to girls." There's bobostonepony who has an auction up to take some girl's virgnity (or she needs to be at least 28 days abstinent) with the qualifications that she be:

1 BE FEMALE
2 you must weigh under 165 pounds
3 you must be over the age of 18 and under the age of 42
4 you must be hygenic
5 you must be disease free
6 you must not have any visible signs of illness
7 you must either travel to Austin, TX, or provide my airfare and accomodations to visit you.
8 you must agree to allow this to be video taped for distribution (according to the law as long as it is recorded and intended for distribution it is legal)
9 my satisfaction is 100%GUARANTEED .
10 I will provide candles and the music of your choice.

I realize that these may all be ridiculous, made-up, and otherwise stupid, but the fact still remains that our society is such that these sorts of things find their way in newspapers and the like. It says something about how we view things as indivdually important as our own sexuality and how cavalier we are in sharing that part of us with whoever, whenever, and (in some cases), for however much.

I view my sexuality as a part of me...a part of the whole. Other parts would include my intellect, my emotion, my spirituality, my personality, and well, you get my point. I do not see the allure of just throwing my sexuality this way or that...to me it's akin to handing over my faith to some religious tenet..seeling my soul to someone else's religion for some reason other than my faith. I have never understood it, nor do I think I ever will. But people do it.

There was also a story in today's New York Times (you must sign up for a free subscription to view the story) about "the community" -- a group of men, world-wide, that meet in cyber-corners deciding how to best pick up women. There are mentors in the world, men willing to receive big bucks, to teach losers (and I include myself in the loser bunch, so no need to get defensive) how to manipulate women and more or less trick them, playing off of psychology, to become putty in their hands. Lying for sex. That's what it comes down to. Guys seek such advice and girls fall for it hand over foot. A psychological game where the stakes are a bit of everyone's being. Obsessing on the parts of these guys to hook up -- willing to travel across the country and around the world to pay hundreds and thousands of dollars to be tutored in such things as "the neg" (where you say something that's not a compliment, but not a dis either -- to purposefully wear down the self-esteem of a girl so that she'll play into your arms) and other things that are just as romantic as a McDonald's restroom fuck.

Man, I'm pissed at the moment. Why does humanity have to be so damn fucking ridiculous? Why are we so wrapped up in this shit? Why can't we take things that are serious seriously and let be the things that are not? Ugh. It really pisses me off.

Last night I had a wonderful conversation with a friend that somewhat got into this...or at least about the issues that drive both guys and girls into this...game. About how many girls are so willing to do just about anything just to feel wanted and fill some self-induced hole in their heart, until they learn that that's ridiculous. The things that go on behind closed doors, the things that guys say to get girls behind closed doors. The things people do in the heat of the moment, thinking that they want to, but regretting it the next day, and then not learning from it...doing it again a week or month later, then again and again. I hear it from people all the time, all the bloody time, and sometimes from the greatest of people, sometimes from my closest friends, sometimes from girls I swear are angels. And it kills me, it makes me want to die, because it's all so self-deprecating, so sad, so indicative of a lot of inner pain and turmoil.

But what kills me most is that the pain that it causing it is not real, but imagined. It's self-induced and self-perpetuating. It enters when some threshhold of rejection is reached, then grabs onto the heart and holds on, telling the soul that to be worthy it is to be wanted, and to wanted the body needs to act...and a cycle develops and continues...until such day as the mind and heart realize that there's more to life that sex and that there's someone that wants them, needs them, and adores them without the actions of the body.

friday night, home alone

Everyone is out doing things that don't involve me. A couple friends are at a going away party for someone I barely know. A couple friends are not being very good friends and I really don't want to see their faces. I couple friends are with their significant others and I really don't want to be a third wheel. And the one person that I would like to see the most I can't even see because she's not even around here right now. *sigh* Guess it's by myself movie night again.

I can't wait until I get a job so I can sign up for Netflix. Right now I think I'd be watching a good ten movies a week.

another childhood face passes on

Bob Keeshan, who gently entertained and educated generations of children as television's walrus-mustachioed Captain Kangaroo, died Friday at 76.

Keeshan, who lived in Hartford, Vt., died of a long illness, his family said in a statement.

My Way News

Man, the kids of tomorrow are going to have it rough. Mr. Rogers is gone and so is Captain Kangaroo. I wasn't as much into Mr. Kangaroo as I was Mr. Rogers or Sesame Street, but I still watched the show from time to time. I remember him and the moose and Mr. Greenjeans (who I believe died last year or the year before, no?) and, of course, the ping pong ball gag they played all the friggen time.

On a personal note, I actually met Bob Keeshan once when I was around 13. I don't remember much about him and really I didn't talk to him or anything (I worked with him on a PBS auction/fundraiser) but he didn't come across as being a jerk or anything...sometimes I have to wonder if stars of children's shows can be that way -- the way that they especially are practically worshipped by their fanbase. It's gotta go to the head I'd think. In any case, he didn't seem that way, instead preferring to be nice to us kids.

In any case, it's sad, and I wanted to report.

the u.n.inspectors said so, now the bush-appointed us inspector says so

"I don't think they (WMDs) existed," (David) Kay told Reuters in a telephone interview. "What everyone was talking about is stockpiles produced after the end of the last (1991) Gulf War and I don't think there was a large-scale production program in the '90s,"

Yahoo! News

Seriously, when are we going to get an apology Mr. Bush? I feel especially butt raped today. You don't send the bloody Secretary of State to the UN to say we have all these pictures and testimonies and all sorts of other "evidence" of something happening when it's not. What was that shit? Huh?

we're taking this thing in a new direction

The president in his State of the Union Address the other night said that we had found dozens (yes, I know it's scary, but DOZENS) of what he referrred to as "weapons of mass destruction program related facilities". No one seems to know what the hell these things are and, in fact, believe that Bush made up the term because he needed something to at least justify the war a little bit. I mean look at those words, they are meaningless. Have we found WMDs? No. Have we found WMD facilities? No. Have we found WMD programs? No. But we have found things that sort of look like they may be the facilitiess that housed programs that had something to do with weapons of mass destruction...

Oh my head.

In honor of such utter bullshit. I have decided to declare this site as an online weapons of mass destruction program related facility. It may as well be, anything could be.

welcome all ye searchers for scooter girl

I know nothing about her but I see that I show up on the first page or two of a google search for "scooter girl" with some reference to American Idol. That's nice. Google seems to be fixated on the fact that I congratulated her here on my blog because she just happens to call the same town "home" that I do. But, as I said, I know nothing about her (unless she searches google for herself -- and hey, we've all done it...haven't we? -- finds this blog and introduces herself). Sorry.

In any case, that sad news aside, please stick around and join the fun. IF YOU DARE!!! Muhahahahaha! ...whatever that's supposed to mean.

it's official

Now that the State of the Union Address has been presented and his name not even mentioned once, Osama Bin Laden's name has been officially changed to Osama Bin Forgotten.

Gosh it's swell that Bush can go on about how much his war on terra has been a raging success but we still have no clue as to the whereabouts of the single man that made the September 11, 2001 attacks in which he wraps himself up in the memory of possible.

ahem...endorsement speech

I know the world's been holding it's breath and waiting for me to endorse one of the many democratic candidates running for president and now it's time. But first, why it's taken so long:

The only thing that I care about in this year's election is that George W. Bush and his cronies are removed from office. Preferably with such crushing numbers that they all run off to their little holes wherever they are and disappear from the public eye for all of eternity, but just getting out of DC would suffice. That said, I will vote for whoever the democrat is this year. I don't care who it is, they will have the best chance of getting Bush out of there so I will vote for them. Hell, I'll go door to door for them, write letters to the editor of every newspaper in the country for them, rough up old ladies for campaign funds if necessary. Whatever it takes. It's because of this that I needed some time to choose my horse, I needed to see them at their worst and at their best. I needed to see how they react to news -- good and bad -- and listen to a speech or two. The basis of my choice in candidate (not that I can vote in the primaries being registered an independent) then is primarily in electability. I don't think any of the candidates is horrible...not with Bush holding a Halliburton-sized monopoly in the word...so whoever is most electable, whoever I feel will beat Bush by the largest margin, is my man.

The Iowa caucusses yesterday finally gave me the opportunity to see them in the light which I needed to. Ideologically, I am closer to Dean and Kucinich than any of the other candidates. Both would give me some pride in voting for them. Both are for smaller government where it counts and more programs where they're needed. They are the two biggest anti-warmongers on the trail. Kucinich, of course, is unelectable so I haven't given him much thought -- the Iowa caucusses proved my assumption as to his unelectability. Dean's performance also verified a suspicion that I have had from the beginning...he too can be very derisive and scare away voters. Though I like everything I've read about the man and would love to see him president sometime, I don't think he's got what it takes to beat Bush...not with all the flag-waving and faux-patriotism and the like going down. There's no way he could defeat a president that's wrapped himself up in a Septemeber 11 blood-soaked flag. No way.

There are four other candidates whom I have deemed unelectable from the very beginning. I like Mosley-Braun a lot. I think it would be good for this country to be led by a woman or a minority for awhile if only to shake up the power base of us white guys. She's got both going for her. She also has a great personality that I think would be able to get us back some of the international respect that Bush has thrown in the shredder, burned, composted, burned again, and shredded a second time. But, like I said, unelectable from the beginning. Rev. Sharpton has also been someone I've enjoyed hearing from on the news and in the debates. Henever had a chance, but at the same time he always had a perspective that I think pushed the debate forward. He's not a national politician type, not by any means, but still..I respect his voice. The last two in this group are Lieberman and Gephardt. From the beginning I have dreaded that they would ever have much of a showing. I don't know how ether of them have...stayed in politics for as long (yawn) as they have...they...they would...not be able...to...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

That leaves Clark, Kerry, and Edwards. I must admit that Edwards has been sketchy from the beginning. Something about him, however, drew my attention to him. He's spunky, he's positive, he's rather down to earth. He's got a good message and he's really good at presenting him. I must admit that I didn't think he had a chance until last night...and, to tell you the truth I got kind of excited to see him place as highly as he did. Second place, for him, was as good as a smashing victory in Iowa. Kerry has always been one to keep my eye on too. He's got a demeanor that people can relate to, something about him seems "cool" and "fresh" even though he's 60 years old. He's been around the political block a few times, but even so has kept touch somewhat with his humanity. That and, of all the candidates, when I look at him I can see the face of a president much easier than any of the others (seriously, can you see a guy that looks like Kucinich giving a State of the Union address?). Clark I really don't know much about. There's an innate distrust I have of the military but at the same time, the guy's a Rhode's scholar and presumably knows what he's talking about. I never really fell for the Drudge Report sorta slams against him for having met with Serbian generals (as the leader of the NATO efoort to bring peace to the region), or the positive things about Bush recorded in the past few years but before the invasion of Iraq. I haven't really studied his platform too closely, but from what I've heard, he's alright.

So anyway, that's the basis for my conclusion. And it's this: I think I would prefer to see a Kerry/Edwards ticket. Here's why. Kerry is a military man. Because much of this presidential race is going to center on "homeland security" (the nazi-esque tone of saying "homeland" is really getting on my nerves lately) and the "war on terrah". Therefore foriegn policy and the military. Kerry fought in Vietnam, came home, an helped found an organization of Vietnam veterens opposed to the war. This to me gives him certain stregths. First, he fought in Vietnam rather than protect the Texas skies from those sneak Vietcong airraids and then ran off AMOL like a certain someone did. He has honor when it comes to war. He held true to his word to fight even though he opposed. That says a lot, it says that he's willing to fight when it's necessary but not when it's not necessary, and I think veterens will pile on with the support. Second, Kerry is an amazing speaker and an even more amazing debater. The presidential debates that would occur between Bush and Kerry would show Bush for the complete and total moron that he is, embarrassing his way out of electoral votes. Third, Kerry does not have any of the stigma and innate hatred built up that Bush has amongst a few of us Americans. He would have a better chance of drawing from that large pool of undecided voters than any of the other candidates with his charm and ideas (even though thtose ideas aren't as good as Dean's). Edwards, on the other hand, would bring a ray of sunshine to the race. He's upbeat and the kind of guy people tend to flock to in an election...quite the contrast to Dick Cheney who is more of a mischevious WormTongue type that would scare away children if he would ever come out of hiding. The two of them on stage in their one Vice Presidential debate would be as great a contrast as the Bush-Kerry debate.

Basically, yeah, that's what I see...Kerry and Edwards would provide a choice between good and evil and both have qualities that would both negate and eclipse the few positive qualities that allowed Bush and Cheney to win their close 5-4 vote to be elected into the White House.

david and goliath, 21st century style

There's this 17-year-old Canadian kid by the name of Mike Rowe that happens to be a part time web designer. Well, in being as such, he created a website and bought a domain name for it...Mike Rowe Soft (see, a pun). Cute right? Microsoft doesn't think so. Somehow, Microsoft believes that people will confuse their multi-billion dollar corporation that runs most of the computers of the world (except you blessed Mac and Linux OS users...I envy you) with some 17 year old Canadian website designer and are thus claiming copyright infringement. Microsoft (not Mike Rowe, I know it's confusing) offered him $10 (TEN DOLLARS!) for the rights to the domain name and Mike Rowe (the kid, not the multi-national corporation) refused because he had put so much work into the site and money into self-promotion. Now he's in a big legal mess. He asked for $10,000 because of all the work. Microsoft then sent him a letter claiming that that had been his plan all along...to buy the domain name just so he could sell it for a large amount of cash (thus weakening his case). Which, of course, begs the question as to whether his parents named him Mike Rowe just for this pupose too...

He's having troubles with huge amounts of traffic (he claims a quarter million hits THIS MORNING), but his site can be found at MikeRoweSoft.com and worth showing support by visiting. If you can, you might also want to throw him a couple bucks as I'm sure he's going to need it to fight Bill Gates and company...but it's a worthy fight. I'd help if I could.

But the moral of the story is that yes, corporations are EVIL.

bring it on

It's old news and I wasn't going to say anything about it at all on this here blog, but it's got me right pissed right now and so I will...

CBS has decided that it cannot be paid enough to air a public advocacy commercial on the airwaves that it was granted exclusive rights to for free from the very public that is trying to buy space for the winner of the moveon.org Bush in 30 Seconds contest.

God Bless CBS and a democratic America.

flaming lips lyrics on the brain

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don'-go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

I love those guys. So crazy, yet so weirdly profound and aesthically beautiful.

guilty pleasures...

So I hate American Idol primarily because I hate the direction that it is taking popular music (something about singers that can't play instruments or write their own songs really, really bothers me). That aside, I have am in love with the first episodes of the seasons...where they show the best (yes) but more importantly, the very very worst of the people that try out. Tonight the new season began and I guiltily watched.

To my surprise however, one of the 30 chosen is from my very own little town of Grand Rapids, Michigan. That is just wild to me. Not that it should be so crazy, Grand Rapids is a metropolitan area of over a million people (the metro area technically includes all of Kent, Ottawa, and Muskegon county for those that don't believe me), and to think that someone would make it at some time to such a show as American Idol is not so crazy...but to top it all off, she was the craziest, and Simon the mean guy actually said nice things about her. I mean, she rode a scooter into the audition. Weirdo...but in a good way.

In any case, I think that's cool. Best of luck scooter girl. You're representin.

body and soul

Two things tonight.

First, I've been eating a lot of salad lately. That and a bowl of soup is all I had for dinner tonight (well, I guess two slices of bread too). I'm not one to eat that well...not badly necessarily, but it's not like I've eaten fast food in...since last summer? I've also been exercising too. The other day I went for a walk (because there's too much snow and ice to bike). I didn't go that far due to my legs freezing off in a short period of time, but I tried. This morning I woke up, fell to the floor and did sit-ups. I don't know why. It's not as if I've been planning this or anything...it's just happening to me. It's weird. I mean, I've been trying to make some more healthy decisions lately (cutting out some bad habits, starting up some good) but the whole thing's sorta taken on a mind of its own. Maybe that new years' resolution to get rid of the beer gut will actually come to fruition. That'd be swell.

The second thing that I wanted to write about isn't so good...a minor faith crisis. I haven't had one of these for years...since my Freshman year of college. I don't know how exactly to describe it either. I think it mainly has something to do with the people around me -- my roommate, people I see at the bar, even the utter and complete shit that I see on television (with a higher concentration on MTV). As I think is obvious if you're a long-term reader of this blog or know me in real-life, I march tot he beat of a different drummer. I'm very self-conscious about doing the right thing, very idealistic, very moral, very conscientious of others (even though I tend to inadvertantly hurt others more than most people...but then I feel awful). This is because I believe in one thing: Love. Not sappy boy and girl love (hehehe...if you've been reading this blog very long at all you know I got doubts about that), but the "God is Love" kind...agape.

I just don't see it out there in the world so much. What I do see are a bunch of people running around driven by their basic instincts to eat, sleep, and get laid. I see, not human beings, but what amounts to hairless monkeys. There's not reason behind their actions, no dreaming, no planning, or Love. Just what feels good at the moment and keep going on until it's not available any more. Then sulk...maybe kill someone...maybe blame McDonalds or Sony or Marlboro for your problems. I just don't see the descendents of Plato and Socrates, Newton and Copernicus, Jefferson or Lincoln...just the decendents of Bobo the Wonderchimp©. It's sad to me. To some extent I understand that there's going to be this behavior in any enlightened society, but it's tyoo much. This isn't to say that there are plenty of good people out there in the world. There are. I have a few real friends and they are all of the type to think before they act, or at least dream and try to change when they undoubtedly screw up (and we all do -- so please, if you're my friend and you happen to rea this blog, PLEASE don't think I'm talking about you or anyone in particular). But it seems that society, as a whole, keeps going down this path of de-evolution.

The crisis of faith comes in this..."de-evolution" requires evolution in the first place, and not the sort of directive sort of evolution that I tend to believe in (to make sense of both my faith in a creator God and the "evidence" of things being around longer than 6000 years). If people can become more like animals driven by instinct rather than reason...then that seems to go to show that maybe there isn't a God to have created us...that all of this is random. After all, why would us becoming more and more animalistic be in God's plan? That's the rub.

But I feel guilty questioning whether God is there just because I'm surrounded by those who care more about there next meal and orgasm than much of anything else. It could jsut be that we are drifting...after all, the Bible contains several stories of humanity's drift away from Him.

In any case, I've bored you enough I'm sure.

Gott wird uns nicht verlassen.

i've never cried at the movie theater before tonight

I just got back from seeing Big Fish and seriously, I wanted nothing but to cry my eyes out very loudly. Being as that were, I was in a crowded movie theater and had to keep it down. At times I had to hold my breath and join the sniffling chorus that surrounded me, but I made it through. I hated the experience. I don't know why people want to go to movies where they know they're going to cry. Horrible.

As for the movie itself...you ever have a feeling like "the reason this movie was made was for me to see"? Well, that's how I felt during the whole thing. The whole thing. And though I wouldn't see it ever in a theater again as to avoid the uncomfortable wanting to cry thing...I can't wait to see it again on DVD.

I :heart: Tim Burton.

still support bush's "foriegn policy" and the war and iraq?

Please note:

The U.S. military death toll after 10 months of engagement in Iraq surpassed 500 this weekend, roughly matching the number of U.S. military personnel who died in the first four years of the U.S. military engagement in Vietnam.

The death toll in Iraq, which had been 497 on Friday, rose by three on Saturday when a remote-controlled bomb made of two artillery rounds packed with explosives detonated beneath a Bradley fighting vehicle carrying five American soldiers and at least two Iraqi civil defense personnel in cane fields north of Baghdad.

The San Fransisco Gate

your lucky day

So, I got up this morning and took my shower, but as I was stepping out and going back into my room to get dressed, I saw my digital camera there and took a picture of myself butt naked. enjoy! (or, more likely, don't)

a milestone

I have just received the 20th Nigerian e-mail scam e-mail of the past two months. That's twenty different daughters/wives/nieces of Presidents/Kings in Nigeria/Liberia/Uganda/Philipines that have asked me to help them out to unload their $24M/$26.5M/$30M/$12.5M by me just giving them a call and telling them my bank account numbers. Seriously, TWENTY of them since Novemeber. You know how rich I could be? Yeah, like $500,000,000...that half a billion dollars. AND I'd be in contact with a lot of people who know people...lots of EX-wives too, RICH ex-wives. hubba hubba. Why oh why don't I just go ahead and do it, it's gotta be legit.

You know what's funny. People fall for this thing too. Ugh. I've read reports of it. It's funny too because if you type some of the domains from which their e-mails come into google, like brellxxx, you will find that some of these people (this happens to be the domain of the claimed wife to Chuck Taylor, ex-"president" of Liberia) really ask a lot of people for help.

some random thoughts for a friday night

I wrote a song today. It has no words, it has no melody. It goes like this: ...

Love relies on nothing, costs nothing, and yet is rare. That's what makes it beautiful.

Silence is closeness to God.

i've never heard of the man, but now he's my hero

From the The Washington Post:

Soros, who has financed efforts to promote open societies in more than 50 countries around the world, is bringing the fight home, he said. On Monday, he and a partner committed up to $5 million to MoveOn.org, a liberal activist group, bringing to $15.5 million the total of his personal contributions to oust Bush.

Overnight, Soros, 74, has become the major financial player of the left. He has elicited cries of foul play from the right. And with a tight nod, he pledged: "If necessary, I would give more money."

"America, under Bush, is a danger to the world," Soros said. Then he smiled: "And I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is."

Soros believes that a "supremacist ideology" guides this White House. He hears echoes in its rhetoric of his childhood in occupied Hungary. "When I hear Bush say, 'You're either with us or against us,' it reminds me of the Germans." It conjures up memories, he said, of Nazi slogans on the walls, Der Feind Hort mit ("The enemy is listening"). "My experiences under Nazi and Soviet rule have sensitized me," he said in a soft Hungarian accent.

This is so cool on so many levels. First, it brings me hope that there could really be an end to the reign of Bush in the next year. Secondly, it was because the abundance of huge individual donators to Republican candidates and causes that Republicans have often stopped any true reform to campaign finance reform from going through (for the record, I'm all for publicly funded campaigns, but that's another story for another day). Soros is now donating to the democrats huge amounts of money that surpass the money that Republicans have been able to get from their sponsors and so has Republicans screaming foul...because their own game is being used against them...and they're losing in a big big way.

My goodness...I love irony.

speed living

I was flipping through the TV stations just now and came across the John Walsh Show (why does that guy have a show anyway?). The topic of the day was "extreme dating" and for some reason I stopped...wondering what was considered "extreme" (at least it wasn't "Xtreme"). There were guys with personal ads scribbled over their cars, guys paying for billboards, some sort of telescreen meeting thingy, and, of course, "speed dating". Amongst quick overviews of each of these phenomena (and this is all of the show I watched, the opening "what this show is about" bit), Mr. Walsh talked about the way our society has become obsessed with speed...fast food, fast travel, fast access to information -- "Why not fast dating?" He asked. Well, here's my response. (oh you knew it was coming didn't you?)

Going back to biology class, we all know that cells replicate themselves every however long it is. Cells are born, cells grow, cells die. It's the way we work and everything else that's alive. It's fine and dandy. But what happens will cells grow too fast? Well, they start to replicate too and then they clump together and then you go to the doctor and get a biopsy only then to be called in for consultation a few days later, sat down, and told, "I'm sorry, but you have cancer" to be followed by weeping and crying and denial and whatnot. I say that in jest somewhat, but the point is...when cells grow too quicky, it's a bad thing.

Maybe once you're diagnosed with the cancer you might go home and decide you need some soup. You make it from scratch because, after all, is there any other way? You throw the ingredients in the pot -- some chicken, some broth, some carrots and parsley and whatever seasonings you need to bring it to its full flavor. You bring it all to a boil and then shut it off, scoop it out and eat it. What's it going to taste like? Water with a bunch of stuff in it. Why? Because you didn't let it simmer. You didn't let all the individual flavors blend together, you just threw it all together and thought it'd work itself out.

Sickened by the soup, you decide that exercise is what you need to clear your mind of the news you received at the doctor's office. You decide to go for a five-mile run. You strap on the shoes and head out the door, running as fast as you bloody well can. You run hard and you run furious and half a mile into it all you can't take it anymore, your lungs can't keep up, your leg muscles atrophied, you collapse having sprinted what you should have jogged.

The ambulance comes and picks you up, bringing you to the hospital. You're in a daze but, aside from the cancer, you are told you'll be fine. Your nephew comes to visit you as they keep you there for observation, "just to make sure" and he brings a book he'd like you to read. The Toroise and the Hare is what it is and you read it allowed, pointing to the pictures of the lazy rabbit sleeping as the tortoise slowly eclipses him time and time again. Your nephew laughs at the picture of the tortoise crossing the finish line while the rabbit races with a crazed look on his face -- sweat droplets flying in the way they always do in kids books -- having woken up to discovered he'd been beaten.

It's then that you might realize that you've been taking life too fast, that maybe things are meant to be simmered and savored, that nature intends for things to grow and happen at a certain pace and that trying to hurry it up will only lead to failure, and that slow and steady ultimately brings the most satisfying results.

In the dating world, we as a society are obsessed with sex and marriage and these ideas that we need to be loved and need to be at such and such a station at such and such a time in our lives. We want so badly for the good things in life to happen to us that we rush into things, we are bombarded with these images and ideas that if these good things aren't happening to us, that we are failures and deserve to be miserable. We make up these illusions that we are so busy that we do not have time to just let things grow at their own pace, we try to throw some sort of super-fertilizer into the mix to force things to progress at much too paid a pace. We don't just let things be and let things happen at their own pace, let things go all natural. The way it's supposed to be.

When two people go too far too quickly, too much occurs in our minds too quickly. There will always be that tingle, no matter who you're with, because there are so many things that it could be. It could be the tingle of adrenaline from the rush of the experience, it could the tingle of hormones indiuced by lust, it could be the tingle of satisfaction brought on by the feeling that you finally are not alone, it could be the tingle of pride in having someone on your arm, it could be the tingle that accompanies the return of self-respect having finally been accepted by someone, and yes, it could be the tingle of love...the problem is that all these things, and there are many more, feel the same to our feeble minds. What's one thing could easily be another but because of our anticipation for the first, we assume that that's what it is...even if it's not. We feel that we are in love, but really it's just our ego getting a fix from someone giving us attention. We feel that we're attracted to someone, but really it's just desperate loneliness.

And we fall into traps because of it. We start to not realize what we are doing, we spin out of control. Things happen without our realizing it, things become serious all too quickly. Soon we find ourselves in places where, if we were really aware of where we were, we'd deny because we know deep down that it's a bad place to be...but we feel too good.

That, perhaps, makes no sense to anyone but me, but it's something that I beleive to be self-evident. I think that there's a reason that the divorce rate in this country (and world, for that matter) is so high and that so many people are unhappy with their lives and relationships. We try to rush those things that necessarily take time to develop. Those things that we cannot rush, we dismiss and declare too difficult to even worry about -- list among those things that "aren't worth my time". It's silly. It really is, but it's the way the world is turning. I don't want any part of it myself because I'm just so damn old-fashioned myself, but that just puts me in a spot I guess, watching the world roll off into the distance.

seriously...

I'm getting all these weird numbers and ISPs on my counters from different places and stuff, but I have no way of telling if they're a real person or just some sort of internet bot. Even if people reading this just leave a comment saying "hello" or something it'd be swell. Even those of you that I know are looking at this page regularly (that includes you tiger lily). I'm just curious and I want to see what my two counters each count as a "hit".

p.s. I promise not to do this again. :P

saddam who?

I was just looking through the Polling Report website and it looks as though the Saddam surge in Bush's numbers is starting to wear off. Most of the polls have shown a small decrease in each of the last two reports (generally around two weeks). With this, the continuance of American deaths in Iraq, the unpoplularity of his immigration and space exploration announcements this week (not that I disagree with either one -- but they are both so obviously political moves and not based on any "vision" on the part of the president), and the O'Neill statements suggesting that the war in Iraq was one of the first things talked about in Bush Cabinet meetings back in January 2001, Bush's invincibility is really strating to wear off a bit.

I also find it interesting to note that according to that site, each of the democrats are showing similar numbers when put up against Bush -- in the low 40's which is actually pretty good considering that a good number of American's are not really familiar with any of the Democrats.

I SO hope Bush is out of the White House next year. Only 373 days til inauguration day.

spam

I just got the following e-mail from "citibank":

Dear CitibankOnline Client,

This e-mail was sentt by the Citi-Card serevrs to veerify your email
addres. You must cmtopele this pceosrs by clicking on the link
below and enttering in the smal window your Citbiank Debit
Card Nummber and Pin that you use on Atm Machine.
This is donne for your pcteortion -G- becourse some of our memmbers no
lgoenr have acecss to their email adreessds and we must verify it.

To veerify your e-mail adderss and akcess your Citbiank account, click on
the link beloow. If ntohing happnes when you klick on the link -7 copie
and pastte the link into the adress bar of your web browser.

Seriously, do people fall for this? Yeah, the e-mail and address both have "citibank" in them (though the URL also contains a stream or 20-30 random letters which can be pointed to any hacker website in the world), but the spelling is obviously not quite up to par with what you might expect a company the size of Citibank to be able to muster. Frankly, if they're in such bad shape that such an e-mail got out, I might question the quality of their employees and quickly, VERY QUICKLY, pull my money out ASAP...I don't want people that spell "adresses" as "adreessds" and "Citibank" as "Citbiank". Seriously. I can only think though that these things atually work at least some of the time -- they wouldn't keep trying it if that weren't the case.

i just cried for no reason other than i needed to

Actually, I just got my shipment of CDs from BMG that I had ordered with the money that my grandma sent me for Christmas and popped in Johnny Cash, The Man Comes Around. There are songs on there that get to me. "Hurt" tightened my stomach, "Desperado" brought me to meloncholy, "We'll Meet Again" brought a tear to my eye, and finally, "In my Life" got me streaming with a second listening to "Hurt" putting me over the edge. It feels good to cry, even if I can't share with anyone the reasons for me crying...if I even knew for sure what they were, which I don't think I do.

I think if I were to compile a soundtrack to my life at this moment, each of those songs would be on there but I'd use the original Eagles' "Desperado" and Beatles' "In My Life" rather than Johnny Cash. "Regrets" by Ben Folds Five would liven things up a bit while keeping the feeling and "Across the Sea" by Weezer would bring in a little rock. "Old Man" by Neil Young would bring us back to the simple words and ideas of aging without direction and "Wake up Dead Man" would, in its not belonging to the rest of these songs, wake me up to the introspection and thoughtfulness that's been filling my life as of late.

our tax dollars at work

HR 3687 IH

108th CONGRESS

1st Session

H. R. 3687

To amend section 1464 of title 18, United States Code, to provide for the punishment of certain profane broadcasts, and for other purposes.

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

December 8, 2003

Mr. OSE (for himself and Mr. SMITH of Texas) introduced the following bill; which was referred to the Committee on the Judiciary

---

A BILL

To amend section 1464 of title 18, United States Code, to provide for the punishment of certain profane broadcasts, and for other purposes.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, That section 1464 of title 18, United States Code, is amended--

(1) by inserting `(a)' before `Whoever'; and

(2) by adding at the end the following:

`(b) As used in this section, the term `profane', used with respect to language, includes the words `shit', `piss', `fuck', `cunt', `asshole', and the phrases `cock sucker', `mother fucker', and `ass hole', compound use (including hyphenated compounds) of such words and phrases with each other or with other words or phrases, and other grammatical forms of such words and phrases (including verb, adjective, gerund, participle, and infinitive forms).'.

Firstly, are the words "shit" and "mother fucker" so pervasive on the television that we really need to codify their non-use? I don't watch a ton of television, but generally when I see peoples' mouths move as if they're saying one of these words, I generally don't hear it...instead hearing a beep. That's thanks to the FCC I do believe, who have already regulated that most of these words cannot be said on television.

Secondly, I find it terribly ironic that the author of this bill, in hating these words so much as to ban them, lists them in the copy of his bill. I find it doubly funny that he includes that last paranthetical phrase...it makes the whole thing sound pre-sophmoric, like a little kid finding joy in being able to swear by telling his mom (in a quieter voice, dropped down twenty decibels) that his little brother said fuck.

Thirdly, not to say that I necessarily condone legislative censorship but if something was going to be done to "clean up the airwaves", I would so much rather see them do something about the rampant sexual content that's all over the television screen along with the insane, over the top consumerism. I do believe I would rather hear a six year old repeat the word "shit" after hearing it on tv rather than see an eleven-year-old copy just about anything she's seen on MTV.

Fourthly, does anyone you know even consider "piss" to be a swear word even approximately identifiable with "fuck"?

And lastly, is it just me or do I sense a huge gap in how this law is written by it's exclusion of the worst word that exists in the English language -- one which I shall not utter, but identify only as the "n-word"? Im sorry, but if you're going to ban the word "piss" and be so thorough as to include "asshole" twice as to include both the one and two word varities, I think the inclusion of the n-word is quite in order, thank you very much.

r.i.p. snowball 2

and Snowball 3...
and Coltraine...

Hello Snowball 5!

not that anyone cares...

Paul O'Neil, Dubya's first Treasury Secretary, has gone public with accounts that claim our president went into office looking for an excuse to go to war with Iraq. This doesn't surprise me, because that's what the overwhelming amounts of selective evidencing would seem to suggest, but this is just another piece in the puzzle (an edge even, one of those ones that forms the frame) for those that haven't come to realize this.

For some reason, I doubt that those that don't realize this will care. They'll say something along the lines of "yeah, Saddam was a bad man then and he had WMDs and blah blah blah..." without realizing the implications that this sort of thing means. George W. Bush came into office with a plan to radically change US foriegn policy -- that is, to pre-emptively attack another soveriegn nation for the first time in United States history -- and waited for a moment when something could be pinned on Iraq to justify such a move. Spetemeber 11, 2001 was just such an event and the president used the tragedy of that day to justify something that had nothing to do with it. So what? you may ask...

Say I wanted a new car. I hated the car that I was driving, but my wife who I loved dearly wouldn't let me sell it. I've tried and tried to sell it, to get something new, but I just can't convice her of the idea. Well, let's say one day she was driving to the store and was T-boned by a semi-truck. The car is mangled and she is killed instantly. Wouldn't it be wrong for me to find even the slightlest joy in the accident because the car was mangled? Wouldn't it be immoral for me to feel so because I am finally getting what I want at the expense of tragedy? Wouldn't others have a right to question my integrity and my honor if I were to use the insurance money from the car and the death of my wife to buy a new car, one that I had always wanted to replace the old one with, and find joy in it? Aren't my actions suspect?

I don't know, that's a quick analogy and there are probably holes the size of Iraq in it, but the point is, there is something fundamentally wrong with the way that Bush has handled this whole Iraq thing. These new admissions only sharpen the focus. Why don't most people see this at least enough to question things? Why aren't more people skeptical? Why don't people realize anymore that ends don't on their own justify their own means? Because that's what this comes down to, that's the story that keeps developing day after day after day... Bush's means were anything but cool.

so many people from so many places

I was just looking at the statistics for this page in terms of the service providers of visitors and there are an awful lot of people that come here, some on a regular basis. Just in the last week I've had visitors from the UK, Israel, France, Portugal, Brazil, the Netherlands, Canada, and several places in the US (or at least with different .net or .com ISPs). In all the time I've been at this url, I've also had visitors from Kenya, Denmark, Italy, Australia, Japan, and Korea too. I think that's awesome. I just wish I knew who you were...not to be nosey or anything, but just because that's one of the amazing things about the internet...that people from anywhere (literally...that's all six inhabited continents listed up there) can communicate just as well as people next door to each other (who communicate not face to face, ut via modem which would probably be weird but you get the idea). I just wonder you you are.

So I know I shill the comments on a sei-regular basis, but this time I'm practically begiing, stop by the forum and say something about yourself (the page linked to does not require registration, you can post as a guest) or if you're too shy to speak to the group, e-mail me. I'm really, really interested. Thanks.

another friday night, another night spent at home alone

You know, it's sad and I don't care. I spend my Friday nights sitting around and doing absolutely nothing. My mind wanders some and I think about the week and stuff...and people. Pathetic, I know. What's more pathetic is that I came here to write about something but I forgot what it was and so now I'm just typing to fill time while my mind sorts out what it is that I was trying to think of...oh....wait...there it is...

I have told people before that I was not one to keep things in. That if I was pissed off at someone, I was the type to tell them. That if I cared about someone, I was the type to tell them. It has occurred to me in the last little while that I am not. Not at all. I wish I was, and for some reason I really thought I was, but I'm not. Maybe if I really cared about someone...no, that wouldn't work either.

Case in point: I have really come to really dislike my roommate. We used to be friends, not best friends, but friends nonetheless. When we first started living together it was fine. Sure, he didn't do dishes, he let his mail pile up in the living room, but it was all okay. Some people are neat-freaks, some people are slobs (like he is), and some, like me, fall innocently in the middle (I can put up with a mess, but only to a point, you know?). But then he had his girlfriend move in and crowd me out and that, even though she lives here no longer, is where it REALLY began. Just in the past week, but I suppose it's been building for the last few months, he has managed to piss me off every single day. Yesterday his girlfriend brought her kids over unannounced. He was in his bedroom, she was on the phone...the kids were traumatizing my poor cat (he's been meowing all day and that's all I can attribute it to, knowing he's not too fond of children). He's also taken to smoking inside instead of out on the porch. For some reason he thinks that the smoke stays in his room...it doesn't. The whole apartment is starting to reek. He also has his financial problems...today he got a collections-looking envelope from the gas company, I thought for sure that he was going to ask to borrow money through me to pay the bill (luckily it wasn't). I can't even be in the same room as him, I can't even watch TV unless I'm watching it first and therefore have control of the remote (he is constantly flipping stations during commercials...and if it's something he wouldn't watch -- which is anything but Star Trek and things having to do with motorcycles and/or cars, not that he can even fix his own brake-line in the three months it's been shot). and on and on and on....

But the worst part about it is that I just can't bring myself to say anything...no "can you at least take care of the dishwasher a little more often than once every four months?" or "Could you please not have your girlfriend bring her kids over unannounced and have them be supervised when they are?" or anything of the sort. Nothing. I wonder how much of it has to do with my fear of being overly sarcastic...people don't get sarcastic so much. No, then again, there are things I've found myself wanting to say that aren't mean or negative or anything (things like "gee, you look beautiful" or "thank you") but just couldn't spit out. Maybe it's because I'm so over-analytical that I fear others will over-analyze...or maybe it's that I fear they won't. Oh well, I don't know. Time to go to bed. Have sooooooooooooo much to do tomorrow (/sarcasm). :)

blogity blogity blew

Blogs can be like this one, where some guy wants a soapbox to yell out at the world or whatever, but blogs can be other thigns too. Like here's one that is run by people working on disaster relief for the poor souls in Bam, Iran who were victims of the earthquake a few weeks ago.

Though I usually don't read blogs like that on a regular basis, I find that when I do it gives me a new perspective on things. I could listen to the news and hear what's going on as filtered through the eyes, ears, and finally words of the media, but it's not the same. For some issues, like the war in Iraq I have found, an indiviual blog cannot cover enough scope to really help you see thigns differently (after all, the blog of a soldier in Basra where it's relatively calm is going to be a heck of a lot different than one of a soldier based in Baghdad...with totally different viewpoints). I don't know, I'm just rambling now. Anyway, it's cool to do some exploring of blogs now and then, to widen perspectives and all that jazz.

If you want to do it too, check out Blogger's homepage or the links at the bottom of this here blog. Then you can be a hepcat too!

all things that go around, come around

So I'm having dinner with a couple friends last night and it dawned on me how unhappy so many people in my life are right now. One of my friends last night was just completely...joyless is the only word I can come up with. I mean, she is generally not the happiest person in the world, but lately it's like she can't find any joy in anything but herself...and then only when she's with her boyfriend. Then there's my roommate who I have already talked about too often on this here blog, but who I have not seen even smile in four or five months. Then there are my "friends" (though I guess my connection has been dwindling in the last six months or so) for whom all things revolve around the bar and themselves. Guys that go from girl to girl, guys that find joy only in hurting others emotionally or physically through their jackassish stunts, guys that are thrown for a loop if the fragile day to day itinerary is shifted one degree to either side of the status quo. It's depressing.

It's ironic because this time last year I'm sure I was the one that such things were being said about, or would if anyone I knew kept a blog. Now it's all turned around. *sigh* Of course, then it was me being a downer, one person among many to be lost in the sea of average happiness...but my current happiness (nor the happiness of a few in my life) is not enough to outweigh the misery of the many. It leaves for a sad landscape.

The last two weeks were a nice break however. Christmas brought the usual semi-cheer that develops out of the selfishness of the Christmas shopping season (that is probably the greatest perenniel Christmas miracle that there is); friends were more available from their usual full schedules of work; but the best thing was that I got to see someone who I haven't seen in awhile and she was able to put a smile on my face without even trying, just in the way that she relayed her thoughts and the way her face would light up involuntarily every now and then. But, she is gone again and the season is over and it's back to seeing things as they are again...and all I see is people's grumpiness. Oh well, I'll cope.

i'm so tired i can't sleep

My nose is running like crazy and my mind is chasing after it.

i think i am officially on a health kick

Man oh man. It's been settling in for a couple of months now, but I think I have to officially declare myself on a self-imporvement kick. I haven't gone to bars more than a few times a month since, what, May? And that wasn't just because of my financial or transportation problems either. I just have not felt like going.

Lately however, I have been cutting out the bad stuff in my life. I have cut down to about a third of the caffiene that I've been having on a daily basis, I've been watching the meat and serving sizes, and I've *gasp* been thinking about doing some exercises on a daily basis. It's weird.

It coincides, I guess, with this overall feeling that I need to prepare myself for the future, that I need to grow up or something. I've been thinking about family life, career life, and all that too. For instance, it's always been the case that I've looked at the long-term potential of girls, it goes way beyond that now -- to potential wife and mother to my children. How scary is that? The same with what I want to do with myself, and the whole bootstrap picking myself up bit. *sigh*

Right now though I'm tired and have a massive headcold...all stuffed up. Blech

get yer hair back

I received my informational packet from Bosley a couple weeks ago. I had seen an ad for it and decided what the hell. Normally, I don't like ordering "free information" because it leads to phone calls and an endless stream of junk mail, but it doesn't seem to be the case with them. Just a big white envelope with a brochure and a video to watch.

It looks interesting enough...I might just call them. It isn't hair plugs or any of those ridiculous looking things...they claim to actually grow you hair, hair that you can wash and cut and all that. You know, real hair. It's also a one-time thing -- you go in, they use local anesthetic, and you go home that day. Best of all, they claim that all their doctors are certified, which means less chance for screw-ups. They have outlets all over the country including here in town and that's a cool thing. Of course, right now I'm not losing hair as quickly as I used to...and of course, I'm broke. But it's something to look at in the future I guess.

mars exploration and such

Well, it seems as though Spirit has a Photo Blog. You know, over the next few months I am going to be watching the pictures come in, as well as the scientific discoveries, and I'm going to be excited about it each and every time. That's just how big a geek I am.

the power of complaining

Teehee. As you all know, I've been messing around with affiliate stuff as a way of making some money (not a lot, but some...mostly from google ads). Anyway, after a month or so of waiting, I finally heard from Columbia House and was accepted into their program. Bloody awesome I'm telling you. Well, I put that banner up there on top of this page and clicked it to make sure that it worked (and probably sign up myself...I'm a sucker for those sorts of programs...I think I even end up getting more and paying less even so I don't see the problem). Well I get to the page and see that Columbia House wants to charge for shipping which is completely opposite what the banner says: "Free Shipping!". I'm like "oh great, another company that promises a bunch of crap but doesn't stay true to their word" (I've come across a couple in my affiliate searching) and so I was going to just erase it and say screw it like I have with a couple others. But I didn't. I wrote them, sort of sarcastically to ask why they'd ask me to screw over my visitors.

I expected some sort of snotty response and possibly even my being kicked out of their program. To the contrary, it turned into a multiple e-mail conversation with a guy named Bob and it's all resolved. Now if you click the banner above, you get free shipping (and 5 DVDs for $2.50). It's always nice to me to see businesses take time out to figure out what's wrong and fix it rather than just blow you off knowing that for every me there's a hundred people who won't complain.

Anyway, I'm just bored and wanted to share that.

cute

There were some tense moments Saturday afternoon at the Washington Square Piggly Wiggly when a 7-year-old boy climbed inside a stuffed-animal grabber machine and remained there for an hour.

Sheboygan Fire Commander Mark Zittel said the fire department was dispatched around 3 p.m. Saturday to the store, 3124 S. Taylor Drive, to rescue the boy from the machine.

The aim of game is to maneuver a grabber-claw to snag a stuffed animal. When a stuffed animal is obtained, the claw releases the toy into a chute.

Zittel said the boy’s father was on a nearby pay phone when the boy quickly scurried into the toy machine through the chute where the toys come out. The boy tried to get out but couldn’t, because the flap on the chute only moves in one direction.

Instead of breaking into the machine, the fire department called a locksmith. While waiting for the locksmith, the fire department moved the machine to the back of the store away from the view of customers.

“It became a viewing circus,” Zittel said.

The Sheboygan Press

I saw some still photos on the news when I woke up and they were hilarious. This kid climbed up into one of those crane thingies and was just crammed in there. They interviewed the kid and he was really shy about it and saying that he'd never do it again.

It's weird. But stuff like this is what makes me fear ever becoming a parent (that and having a kid turn out badly...since bad eggs happen even to good parents sometimes, I think) but at the same time it makes me want to be a parent that much more. I love kids' hijinks, I think they're awesome. "They're" referring to kids and hijinks both ("hijinks" being doubly cool because the idea behind the word is fun and the three dotted letters in a row make for a cool looking word too).

edit -- crap, I thought I had beaten my sources to the pnch on this one, but I didn't. This article, unlike many that I link to, was not stolen from the dailyrotten (not linked to because I know a few readers who would snoop around the site and find some of the stuff they publish...which ain't pretty).

and someone in the back of the room shouted "kyle, you rawk!"

I think I may be able to get out my unemployment benefits problem on a technicality. Pouring through the paperwork yesterday in order to finally protest their finding against me I discovered that the term "available" in regards to the state has the word "suitable" tied to it in amost every case (and in the case of what a booklet about the court procedings that will occur said...my sort of situation it is explicitly tied to it). What does that mean? Well, it means that the state saying I did not make myself "available" for work means that I did not make myself available for suitable work...which I did, delivering pizzas is what I made myself unavailable to do which wasn't suitable for me because I didn't have a car.

In any case, it just means that I am once again rather confident that all of this will turn out alright in the end. After having been shot down a couple weeks ago I started to doubt my case, but it isn't so glum now. The original appeal that I made took up a page of type...the appeal this time was six lines of medium-sized handwriting and was basically nothing more than a logic equation. That's what lawyers like to see, short and sweet and now that the entire issue's out of the hands of MSWs and in the hands of JDs, I'm soooooo much happier. They're my kind of people. :)

I hope I get to go to law school in the fall....

a thought i had just now

It occurred to me how nice it would be if the human race were telepathic. Then again, maybe not. Some thoughts are meant to remain on the inside.

get to know kyle chapter xxvii

I am trying to put together a sort of "links relevent to me" sort of package to put over there to the left and found myself clicking on a few of those links that I hadn't for awhile. I came across the broodings link...and read some of it. At some time I put it there because I identified, because whoever wrote that spoke for me, because I saw myself as a nice guy and in so being, as the site states, as vanilla ice cream in a world where even rocky road isn't so special anymore. I put it there because I thought it was brilliant, but that was before now, that was when it really, really bothered me. Now it doesn't bother me so much...and I read the site as whining more than anything. It dawned on me then that much of what I've gone on and on and on about in the the past has been little more than that. I'm sorry for putting you through that, dear blogreader, I also apolgize to my friends that had to sit and listen to me. I guess though that my seeing that as such, it just goes to show that I have grown and I have accepted things as they are. It's cool.

There was one page on broodings however that, even though it was still rather whiney, still spoke the truth so I will link to it separately. It's about the feelings behind the phrase "I want a girlfriend" as muttered by the average guy and the nice guy. I link only because I think it, at least, is worth reading.

As for other sites which "explain" me a bit (I really have no idea why I'm doing this...I hope it's not some sort of "I feel so misunderstood" crap again)...

Crap in a hat...I was going to now post a site to my personality type (INTP) but I retook a test and it showed that I am now an INTJ. drat! I suppose there isn't a whole lot of difference between the too aside from confidence. I think, in the end, that I am more to the INTP than INTJ in that, as the site says, INTP's "a haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves," which is oh so true and this site which says "They are inclined to be shy except when with close friends, and their reserve is difficult to penetrate. They are very adaptable until one of their principles is violated. Then INTP's are not adaptable at all!" Hehe. But I don't consider myself as oblivious to my emotions as the types would indicate...that's more of an INTJ thing.

...but I guss just the fact that I obsess about this, have this need to put a label on myself is just the sort of thing that one would expect of an INTP...I'm just making a joke there. Have a pleasant day.

internet fun for geeks dorks and nerds

JUST THIS ONCE IMA POST 2 THIS BLOG USNG DA 3NGLISH-2-12-YEAR-OLD-AOLAR TRANSLA2R!!11111 WTF IT IS NOT WIT PRIED TAHT I DO SO BUT OUT OF PITY FOR TEH MILIONS OF POR LITLE KIDS TAHT KNOW NO BTER THAN 2 WRIET 2 AS 2 OR U AS U ANYTHNG ELSA TAHT MAEKS ME STRANE MAH 3YES AND FORC3 ME 2 DOUBL3 R3AD11!1111! IT IS SAD IT IS TRUA TAHT THIS IS TEH CAES BUT I WANT 2 EXT3ND A HAND 2 TAHT COMUNITY TAHT SP3AKS LIEK THIS AND W3LCOME 2 THIS BLOG WIT OPEN ARMS!!1!11 WTF LOL GOD BLES U AND GOD BLES MARICA11111!

memories

It being the holiday season, my thoughts have gone to my mother quite a bit lately. That's pretty usual, but I wanted to share a story about her...kinda sappy I guess, but if you think that, you can just go to hell. :)

My mom was diagnosed with cancer in mid-October, 1997. That was two weeks before my 21st birthday and a week before my application to study for a semester in Prague was due. The news effectively cancelled both. It was also the week before my mom had planned to take a trip to Toronto. That trip wasn't cancelled at all.

When she first got the news during one of those long-awaited for, long-dreaded phone calls it devastated her. Her face became red, her eyes swollen, tears streaming, and a repeating of her wishing to be there for her sons as they went through life poured from her lips. It was, obviously, a very emotional and debilitating day for all of us, her epecially.

The following day she called the tour people through which she had planned this weekend getaway many months before. "I'm not sure I'll be able to go" she told them "I was diagnosed with cancer this week and I may have to start chemotherapy, in which case I don't think I would have the strength to go". They were kind about the situation, telling her that it would be fine, that she woud receive the fullest of refunds possible, just to let them know. I guess the same thing had happened only weeks before -- a woman being diagnosed with breast cancer just befre a trip -- they told my mother this.

In any case, she didn't have to start chemo. She went on the trip. Even though she had just gone through the most emotionally draining week of her life and received the most horrid words that most of us could even imagine -- "it's cancer" -- she went to Toronto and didn't let it spoil any of her fun. The pictures that she brought back all had her smiling. The things she had to say were about how wonderful a time she had -- not about the thing that was growing inside of her. She was even herself enough to remember a running joke I had about wanting to go to Canada to get some Cuban cigars and brought one back for me. It was as if she had never received the news. It was as if she had forgotten. It seemed that way, even though I know that it was still right there on top of her mind. She had that sort of resiliency, she was able to forge ahead against even the greatest current. She loved life, and she wasn't about to let a gun to her head stop her from continuing to do so.

It's one of my mother's traits that I wish I had. I do to some extent, but not nearly as fiercely as she did. That week had me give a presentation the day after her biopsy results came in. I hadn't prepared too much for it, having panned on doing it the night before I had to make it. The night of the news. In between tears and bawling fits, I read my Dewey and prepared my notes for the next day. I plowed through it and got everything together. The next day, in class, I was lackluster, the professor saying tht my presentation "led the horse to water, but didn't let him drink". I could have used my mom's news as an excuse, but I wasn't going to. As horrible a night it was, I wasn't about to let others give me pity.

I guess in that sense, I am somewhat like my mother. That's a good thing. I loved my mom dearly and at times like this I really, really miss her. It's good to know that she is still alive though, or at least a little bit, in me.

Edit -- for another mom story, read "blue".

oh what a bad blogger am i

...didn't even wish my readers a happy new year. So....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! As for my new year, it really can't be any worse than the past year can it now? :)

My night was full of drunkenness and my day with hella hangover. But New Years was alright, t'would've been better had I gotten a kiss as the ball dropped last night though. *sigh* Man, come to think of it...2003 was kissless altogether. *double sigh*